TITLE: Wife of Heracles
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Megara, having recently died, drank from the Pool of Lethe (forgetfulness) along with the other spirits before being judged for her final destination. Theseus, one of the prisoners of the palace bound to a bench, argues with Hades' that she deserves Elysium (paradise). Afterward, Theseus and Megara get into an argument.
“I said thank you! What do you want from me? I’m not going to lick your feet.”
“Just. Go. Away. I’m never helping anybody else again. Stupid girl.”
I walked back to the three judges in the middle of the room, who were still waiting to escort me to my final destination. “I have a name,” I said, raising my voice so he could hear me with my back turned. “It’s Megara, and I hope you don’t forget it.”
There was a gasp from behind me. “No you’re not.”
I turned back. Theseus was gaping at me. “Yes, I am,” I said.
“But you’re so young! You were fine just two years ago. I saw the babies once—how did you die?”
He looked at me like he knew who I was. “Is she the Megara?” he said to the judges. “The Princess? Looks like her, but I haven’t seen her in years.”
“The one and only,” replied Minos grimly. “She’ll remember soon enough once we get her a draught of Mnemosyne.”
“How did she die?” Theseus whispered.
My head was spinning and spinning. “Princess? Mnemosyne? Theseus, who are you? Who am I?”
Pirithous was frowning. “Yeah, Theseus. Who is this girl? You know her?”
“Come on,” said Rhadamanthus firmly, dragging me along by my elbow. “It’s time to go.”
“But—I want to know,” I protested, but to no avail. The three judges were forcibly pulling me away now, leaving me no choice but to go along with them, out of Hades’ palace, and toward Elysium.
What a cool idea for a story. But this is harder than I thought. I have too many questions about what happened before.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a strong concept, and I'd like to read more.
I just had to say that I taught middle school and high school kids at one point, and they would LOVE to read something like this! They (especially middle schoolers) love mythology!
ReplyDeleteI love the idea... though this excerpt was a little confusing to me, but that's not you're fault it was the end of a chapter, so it's largely because there are a lot of characters that the reader would already be familiar with.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I would say is to be very careful of your dialogue. When you're dealing with mythological figures, it doesn't sound authentic to me to have them saying things like, "yeah".
It helps with dialogue if you read all of it aloud into a tape recorder, that way you can play it back and hear if it sounds authentic to the way your characters feel in your thoughts.
Hope that helps. And yes, I would read on.
When I was a kid,there was very little mytholgy-based YA. I had to settle for encyclopedias. Kids today have it so great.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this makes a great story for younger readers (and grown-up kids like me). Apart from some paragraph-formatting preferences, I enjoyed it.
I think that the tension can be amped up a bit to make it a real page turner, but there is certainly more than enough here to make me want to continue.
I love mythology! Nice choice for a premise.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel a lot of tension here, possibly because there are so many characters interacting all at once. I couldn't keep track of who was talking.
Other than that, it's and interesting chapter ending hook. I'd probably read on.
Okay, I admit it. I'm a sucker for mythology. I would read on, just to find out what this is all about -- because I am confused!
ReplyDeleteBut not in an off-putting way. There are just too many characters in this tiny excerpt without the benefit (to me) of what came before.
And I want to know, so you must be doing your job right!
Shades of Bullfinch! I would read on. Excellent dialogue. No need for other narrative at this time. It's hard to get past the Greeks, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteOne observation about the brief dialogue: there are statements like "She'll remember soon enough..." and "Yeah, Theseus...." So are you weaving more formal dialogue with modern dialogue?
I love the mythology aspect of this, but if you're going to write in that world, I think you need to watch the modern tilt of the language.
ReplyDelete"Just. Go. Away." is a modern construct, and definitely didn't make me think a Greek god was talking.
I love the idea that everyone knows about her and she has no idea. But she still knows her name?
Then you say that he saw her just two years ago, then follow it with a line that says "Looks like her, but I haven’t seen her in years."
I think if you tighten up the details and writing, you'll have a fantastic story here.
I was somewhat confused, what with being dropped in the middle and with not knowing much about mythology to begin with. Most of the confusion came from trying to keep track who was who when they were all talking. Oh, and the part about the babies. But I'm guessing that would be easier to understand if I'd read the beginning...
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do like the ending. :) Especially the fact that she has to be forcibly pulled to "paradise".
~Jenita
*leaps on story with sort-of namesake*
ReplyDeleteOk. I was a little confused.
I liked the voice right up to "...don't forget it."
But after that, I got a little lost in the 'Who am I' exchange...
I agree. I realized afterward that this may not have been the greatest idea to submit since there are a jam load of characters that are unexplained. In fact, I'm thinking of slimming down on characters, just because even I'm having trouble keeping up later. I made the dialogue more modern since this is a younger YA audience type story. But does anyone think that's incredibly distracting? I gave Megara more of a modern girl voice, but if it's unauthentic, I may change it. Thanks for the comments so far, guys!
ReplyDeleteAuthor,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting! I, too, love the premise. It's very clever, and I think YA audiences will eat it up.
But I also found the modern language distracting. I don't think that you have to read nothing but Plato and Homer and mimic their writing, but I anachronistic language doesn't work for me when the setting is firmly rooted in history or known mythology. Don't underestimate your readers! Even tweens will get into it if the storytelling is done well. (At 12, I loved The Odyssey.)
Good luck!
This is a hard one. With the names I have previous conceptions of what should, and should not, be happening. And without having the lead in it's hard to get a grasp on the characters just from this.
ReplyDeleteI think that if I saw the full chapter this would read better.
I might be bad here, but I liked the the voice and didn't mind the language. It's light and brings the history to life. Maybe tone it back, but PLEASE don't go all Plat and Homer about it. Those guys were better than sleeping pills.
ReplyDeleteIt's a fun idea and once I got my head around the voice, I didn't mind it, but nothing really hooks me here to flip the page, sorry.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I love this. Greek mythology is such a rich tapestry from which to fashion a story. There are so many possibilites opened up even in this little excerpt and I would be excited to know what happens from there. A nice way to breathe life into old world tales for a modern audience.
ReplyDeleteJoe Novella
I liked it. I'm a little lost, but I have a feeling everything would be clearer with a bigger picture but other than that, I liked it a lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! I'm a sucker for a good greek myth story, and would definitely read on!
ReplyDelete