"She's going to blow me away!"
"No way, man. That little red-headed deputy isn't going to blow you."
"My cover. She's going to blow my cover. She's patrolling around the docks. I can't argue with her, because that will blow my cover. Get her reassigned, or something. I need to stay in position.
Mad as hell, Special Agent Michael Burke ground his teeth and snapped his cell shut. He returned it to the pocket under his carefully concealed holster. He had spent the last two weeks investigating reports of human trafficking along the border.
His broad shoulders straightened as he expelled the air from his lungs in one disgusted huff. In his previous assignment, the jungles of Central America, he'd blown up drug czars. But no, keeping him where he knew who the bad guys were was too simple.
Now he was in a small time beach resort on the Texas Coast trying to evade arrest by Barbie with a badge.
He hadn't bathed in days and could barely stand himself. His short-cropped hair had the stamp of a former Marine, but with a cap pulled down and a weeks worth of beard, he could pass for a dock rat. Crouching behind a thick concrete piling, he tried to conceal himself from the miniature menace.
Damn! Here she comes again.
Deputy Darla Calhoun kicked his shoe. "Come on, bud. You can't sleep here." She squatted down to get a better look at him.
He hoped his aroma would repel her.
I liked this passage. I love how you lace the humor through the beginning. You get right to the point, set up the scene perfectly and leave me wanting more.
ReplyDeleteThe "Barbie with a badge" is great!!
Ha! I love this setup for romance - he's definitely going to make a bad first impression that he'll have to make up for.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a second to get into the opening with the dialogue -- just had to figure out who was talking and to whom. It's hard to get into a scene with talking heads. But had no issues at all once we got into the characters.
I thought he was talking to someone with him, since the other person replied "That little red-headed", I assumed he was there. Other than that, I like it. I would definitely read on to find out what she thinks of his stench. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and the humor. I would read on just to see what "Barbie with a badge" does and how he reacts. Your description of his less than stellar appearance was fabulous. A good start to a romantic suspense.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I like the immediate conflict between the hero and heroine, both on the side of the law, but one undercover.
ReplyDeleteI had a sense of the character from his line about preferring conflicts with clear bad guys.
One thing confused me. I think "blow me away" "blow you" and "blow my cover" are actually three different terms. The joke here is the confusion between a blow job and a blown cover, but "blow me away" has a yet a third meaning, more like "surprise", and isn't the same as blowing a cover. At least, that was my understanding.
You have too much info dumping. We really don't need to know so much about his past at this moment, and it kills the momentum.
ReplyDeleteThe starting dialogue really isn't needed since it is a flashback. It's confusing with the shift between the then and now.
Also, I've never heard the term "drug czar" used for a drug lord. I've only heard it used as a term for someone in charge of several groups of law agencies' attack on illegal drug crimes.
The premise certainly sounds fun for a romance.
Strong voice. Nice humor.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't my genre, but I'd read on.
This is nice.
Barbie with a badge...good one.
I like humorous RS, so would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteLove the concept and Barbie with a badge. That said, I agree that the opening could be stronger.
Maybe have Special Agent MB crouched and trying to hide his big frame from her, which would lead to us wondering what's going on. Just a suggestion.
Might need a hint in the first or second dialogue line to show this is a cell phone convos. <- that is a nitpick though.
ReplyDeleteAnother nit is there might be too much information in the dialogue. It feels info-heavy.
Barbie isn't red-headed.... <- Totally random nit, I know.
That said, there something about this that really cracks me up and makes me curious. I would read on.
I'd probably put a descripto before aroma - like 'carcass-like aroma' or something.
Needs a little editing, but good job.
I, too, liked barbie with a badge and miniature menace, but I was mostly confused. There are two invisible people talking, one of whom is the MC and one who isn't there. I didn't know that until the 4th paragraph. I think Michael needs to have his perspective in Texas right now and not in Central America. Let him show us everything he's seeing and feeling. You can give us backstory later. You've clearly got a good story here, you just need to rearrange some stuff. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I'm not hooked. There's something that feels slightly cluttered in this passage. I think there might be a bit too much description, backstory. I think that for this to work a little better, it needs to be crisper, less "explain-y."
ReplyDeleteI do adore your last sentence, though. Wonderfully dry.
The voice is good, but I think the writing needs to be tightened up a bit. You're missing a few punctuation marks, and there's a lack of transitions to help smooth the flow.
ReplyDeleteGreat scenario: an agent undercover as a homeless man, being harassed by the local cops, and a groovy set way to have the hero and heroine meet. Excellent description of Agent Burke; I can really see him. "Barbie with a badge" was hilarious! You hooked me.
ReplyDeleteMy main suggestion would be to delete "away" in "blow me away."
I liked this one. I would read on. Love the idea of him lying in a gutter like a dock rat pretending to be a bum. I think it's funny and would read on to find out what Barbie with abadge will do or say. And his reaction.
ReplyDeleteI liked this one. If I were scanning the first page, I'd buy it.
ReplyDeleteGood one. I liked the humor in this and the character's cover. I'd read on to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'm not hooked here. I don't like the dialogue at the opening, it takes a while to figure out who is speaking. "Mad as hell" strikes me as cliche, but I do like some of your lines, the "barbie with a badge" is good.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Favorite so far. Totally hooked and want to read the whole thing!
ReplyDeleteIf I were an agent, I'd just ask for it all. :)
I really like your humor. Mc Lovin' it. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is an attention-grabber, but leaves me struggling to regroup. A few of the other comments go into deeper detail so I won't.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there in the scene, and except for the back story (which I skimmed) this is a quick pace. The Lead seems like a good time.
Thanks for all your thoughtful comments, and thanks to Marilynn for the drug czar catch. I changed it in the novel to drug lords.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked the "Barbie with a badge" line. In truth, she is anything but. My heroine has no idea how petite she is and when she takes the disguised hero down, disarms him and arrests him, he gains a little perspective. This was fun to write.
Thanks for the opportunity to read some great first pages.
You have some nice lines here, but I agree that it needs to be clearer that the MC is on a cell phone at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the switch to backstory in Central America is distracting. Your intrigue is with Barbie and the smelly cop.
I was confused as to who was saying what in the beginning, and some of the description feels a bit POV-iffy (would he really think of his own shoulders as broad, and his hair having the stamp of a former Marine?). And to me the reference to Calhoun as a little red-head seems to be trying to work in what she looks like a bit awkwardly.
ReplyDeleteThis all being said, I think you have a good start and with some editing it could be quite good.
Not hooked. Sorry! I thought the opening was rather clunky. I couldn't figure out who was talking to who and most of what is revealed is backstory anyway so probably not necessary.
ReplyDeleteI think this could be significantly stronger starting with the scene when Darla kicks his shoe and thinks he's a homeless bum. Much more interesting.