TITLE: Lofty Minds
GENRE: Young Adult
I turned the combination lock to the right, using only my mind. Click. I let out the breath I’d been holding and tried to not feel guilty over breaking and entering.
“Zax, wait!” the voice of my twin brother, Alex, echoed in my head.
I froze with my hand on the handle. “What?”
“Someone’s coming.”
“Hide, I’ll grab the money.”
“No.” I heard Alex running toward me. “We’re sticking together.”
“You’ll get claustrophobic in the vault,” I reminded him. That’s why he stood guard while I went in. He’d been so freaked out since our parents died last week.
I pulled the heavy vault door open. The flashlight on my headband lit the stacks of dollar bills. I stood in awe for a moment.
“Wow,” Alex said, arriving at my side. We went in and shoved wads of cash in our hoodies and the bag we’d brought.
There was a clank behind us. As we turned, flashlights lit our faces. I froze.
“Show us your hands!”
We put our hands up. “No weapons.” I’d meant to sound tough, but it came out a squeak. I hadn’t spoken out loud for a few days.
“You’re just kids,” a woman’s raspy voice said.
“What do we do, Zax?” Alex asked.
“Don’t say anything to them,” I told him. “I’m thinking.”
“K.” He breathed heavily. He shouldn’t have come in the vault.
“Talk to me, though. What’s our game plan?”
“Uhmm … let’s get away from the police,” Alex answered.
Interesting. ESP. Always loved that concept. I can picture the image of the boys in a bank vault surrounded by police. Pretty unnerving. How will they get away?
ReplyDeleteAn intriguing start. You set the premise right away and you convey the mental dialogue convincingly. You also leave open questions of why these kids are committing a burglary, since they don't come across as criminals. The reader wants to know why.
ReplyDeleteYou might leave till later the reference to the parents dying, though: maybe just say "He’d been so freaked out the last week," or something similar, thus dropping another question in readers' minds.
The reason I suggest you push the parents dying explanation off till later is that it's such a heavy thing to deal with; I think you'd need to say more about it at first mention, and there really isn't room for it right at the start.
This is good! Great set-up, great voice, and I like the characters very much! Hooked!
ReplyDeleteGood strong beginning. I'm hoping they have a sympathetic reason for robbing banks!
ReplyDeleteThis is an intriguing start, and the telepathy is well done. It feels very emotionally flat to me, though. Especially when you throw in the line about "since our parents died last week" without any fanfare.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Patricia and Ink Wench. As much as the parents' death got my sympathy, I think you need to take it out here. If you want to add curiousity about where there parents are, you can always have Alex say "Mom and Dad always said to stick together!" and your MC could remind him that Mom and Dad aren't here any more. Then we wonder why not. . . .
ReplyDeleteTelepathic twins, I like it. And Zax can move a lock without touching it. Very interesting. I like how you show the relationship between the twins, how protective they are of one another.
ReplyDeleteSome nits: When you say stacks of dollar bills, I pictured one dollar bills, and then thought that was silly, because why would there be stacks of ones in a vault. Maybe you should just say "bills" for the overly literal reader such as myself. Also, you portray Zax as the one in charge - Alex asks him what they are going to do now. But then Zax asks Alex what there game plan should be. This shift of personality threw me a bit and I had to re-read the ending to get it right who was saying what.
Those are silly little things, though. Overall, I liked this and would read on.
Yum. This is great<:
ReplyDeleteTelepathic + twins + possibly aliens based on the name Zax + juvenile bank robbers.
Ok. I'm teasing about the last two items. The writing is smooth, and I like the way you handled the telepathy.
I'm with Sheila - the end dialogue confused me because I assumed Alex would want to know the game plan. Afterall, he did ask Zax what they were going to do. Perhaps to show Zax wanting to calm his brother, prevent him from hyperventilating, he could say "We're good, Alex. Don't panic. We just have to get away from the police." Just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I like this. Interesting premise. Good luck.
I like this, but I'm not in love with it yet. It's a very interesting premise, but I got thrown off starting at the line He’d been so freaked out since our parents died last week. Zax just sounded really cold and cavalier with such a flippant comment. Plus, some of the passive phrasing took my attention away from the story.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of twins with telepathy. I would read on to find out why they are robbing a bank. I agree with the others about throwing in about their mother being dead. I'd add that later with a little more information.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a fun story. There's so much the twins can do with their power.
So, I'm hooked.
As far as the parents dying I agree, mention it later. Not in the first page. Too much detail needed. The telepathy is a great idea.The voice could use a little tweaking. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteInteresting idea. It didn't exactly hook me, but that just personal taste.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you could show us he only uses his mind to open the lock insted of telling us in the first sentence. That line falls flat for me, maybe we find out that fact about him too quickly.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of conversation--maybe we need to see a little more action/description to give a sense of place and context.
"K" threw me off a little. "Okay" or at least "'kay" might work better.
I like the voice, I like the characters and I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe line about the dead parents jarred me too, but I assumed it was intentional - to shock the reader and show that this wasn't as big a deal to Zax as it was his brother. If that's not what you were going for, then move it somewhere else as suggested.
I really like this. Only thing, at the end, with the quotation marks, are they speaking out loud? If not, lose the " and just use italics. Less confusing that way.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I'd read on.
hum... I have mixed feelings on this one. I like stories that deal with brothers and I like the fact that they can communicate mentally with each other.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that, I'm not sure there is enough here to keep me going. Strange moments like "he'd been so freaked out since our parents died last week"
Well, I'd imagine so!
They know somebody is coming and yet they still go into the vault instead of hiding. Doesn't make too much sense to me.
Also, opening a YA with a stealing scene is only going to work if there is a really strong reason for them to be doing so.
I like the premise, but like the others was a bit put off by the parents line. But I'd read on, telepathic twins are an attention-grabber!
ReplyDelete