TITLE: Breaking Judas
GENRE: Contemporary/Literary Fiction
After a memorable assignment delivery at Cho's Chinese Restaurant in Tijuana, C.I.A. agent Jimmy Buckner is eager to make sure that Franklin Gordon is still motivated. This involves making sure that Franklin is interested in getting paid. Franklin invites Jimmy to go into the U.S. for verification, and they head for the border.
I began to walk north toward the border and Jimmy grabbed my arm.
"Where are you going?" Jimmy asked. "You can’t walk over the border with that package. If that thing goes through the x-ray machine you’ll have the Homeland Security cowboys swarming you quicker than a mad hive of bees."
"Why? It’s just a magazine and submission instructions and a list of nebulous words."
"Those pages are highly classified documents," Jimmy said. "Why do you think you sanitize them when you’re finished?"
"Okay, but they can’t read words on paper from an x-ray image," I countered.
We were then interrupted as a medium-sized sedan pulled up next to us and Jimmy had me get into the back seat first and then he followed me in. The driver appeared to be an American, he exchanged brief pleasantries with Jimmy and off we went toward the border.
"Franklin, you need to trust me, that paper lights up like a flare under x-rays. If you ever try to cross with it, they’ll nab you and I’ll be in big trouble over it," Jimmy said.
"Fine. You do realize that it takes about an hour and a half to cross in a car at this time of the afternoon."
Jimmy laughed, "We’re gonna take the carpool lane."
There is no carpool lane. There used to be one but it didn’t work out because suddenly everyone started to carpool. Jimmy had to know this, so apparently I was going to learn something new.
This is interesting but needs more work. The opening dialogue is engaging. IT grabbed my attention.
ReplyDeleteThen comes the narrative and it sounds like stage direction or like you are telling a story over the water cooler at work. It pulled me right out of the story.
Drop the phrase "We were then interrupted as" and start the sentence with "A medium-sized sedan pulled up next to us."
Was there a problem with Franklin so that he needed help getting into the back seat? If so, maybe you've explained his handicap earlier. If not, then simply say "I climbed into the backseat followed by Jimmy."
Instead of telling me about the driver, give me the conversation, interspersed with a description of the driver.
The next bit of dialogue works along with the sentence stating there is no carpool lane. Honestly, using this sentence as the last line of the chapter does more to make me want to turn the page than what comes after it.
I think the story has a lot of potential. There is tension and an urgency in the story. The dialogue is good. Work on strengthening your narrative sections so they show the action rather than just telling me something happened.
Bottom line -- as it is, I would probably not read on. With a little refining I think this could be a good read. Keep working!
The dialogue felt a little clunky to me. "It’s just a magazine and submission instructions and a list of nebulous words" doesn't feel like something someone would really say. More likely, they'd say, "It's just paper."
ReplyDeleteAnd that example is actually my issue with the whole passage. You're using your characters to explain stuff to the reader, and it feels forced and fake. Another example is in the last two sentences... purely informational, and not really something that someone would think.
I would suggest reading the dialog aloud to tighten it up and smooth it out.
Additionally, I couldn't tell the difference between your characters or learn anything about them through their interaction. They both speak the same, which is almost never true in real life.
I think the whole conversation could be pared down a lot, and would flow better and reveal more about the characters.
And I agree that the scene should end with "There is no carpool lane!"
I agree with the other commenters. The dialogue doesn't sound right here, and the dialogue tags need tweaking. If you read books on fiction technique (or even agent gripes), they advise that you use "said" about 95% of the time if you use dialogue tags. "Said" is silent. A few tags like "countered" are okay as long as it's not used constantly, but having him "laugh" words doesn't make any sense. Someone can't laugh a sentence. I used to do this same thing and was completely raked over the coals for it a few years ago. This is something you'll learn to fix with practice and editing, but it will make your writing stronger.
ReplyDeleteI am very curious about the sensitive documents that the narrator is carrying and why it reacts like that under x-ray. It seems like the narrator doesn't really know what he's dealing with, and I bet that's going to get him in trouble. There's a lot of potential here, and I'm left wondering what will happen when they cross the border.
This could be a TON of fun. It's a good set up, and Jimmy seems like a character with a lot of potential. But as written, it's a bit too 'explainy', and the dialogue is just a bit awkward, which again, I think, comes from trying to explain stuff. Trust your reader a bit more - they don't need everything spelled out. For instance - the carpool lane thing - what a GREAT ending it would be to leave it at 'There is no carpool lane.' Surprising, to the point, and allows the reader to conjure up all sorts of scenarios. But when you explain it further, it draws the reader away from the fun and deflates the suprise and tension. I'd also recommend reading this out loud, so you can see how the dialog sounds. You've got a good start on making both men's voices distinctive, and the voices go along with their names and 'occupations' for me - Franklin sounds more formal and stiffer then Jimmy. BUT, real people don't explain so much in each sentence. Things should be a little more brief and to the point - especially with an obviously smooth character such as Jimmy.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with these guys. I have a feeling they're going to be a lot of fun.
I agree with the others, so I am not going to repeat anything.
ReplyDeleteI do think you have a good idea and this could be a fun story. Keep it up.
I agree with the other comments and just have a couple of things to add.
ReplyDeleteJimmy laughed, "We’re gonna take the carpool lane."--> Change the comma after 'laughed' to a period and that takes care of the dialogue tag problem.
There is no carpool lane.--> Change 'is' to 'was' since the rest of the passage is in past tense.
I agree. This is an intriguing premise, but the writing here isn't doing your story justice.
ReplyDeleteI found the multiple "and" use distracting, magazine AND submission instructions AND a list..., a medium-sized sedan pulled up next to us AND Jimmy had me get into the back seat first AND then he followed me in.
As others have said, the dialogue doesn't seem natural. People dealing with top-secret documents are unlikely to stand around announcing the fact they are "highly classified" and discussing details about them (like what, specifically, is in the package or that the paper would "light up like a flare under x-rays').
Could go either way. I need to see the rest of the chapter I think. And figure out what the premise is.
ReplyDeleteI am very curious what kind of papers will flare under X-ray.
Nits and picks:
ReplyDeleteThere were several places that I would divide into multiple sentences:
"border and Jimmy"
"American, he"
"trust me, that paper"
Here:
"mad hive of bees"
It's not the hive that is mad, it's the bees. Or it's the swarm and not the hive.
This seemed a little thick:
"Why? It’s just a magazine and submission instructions and a list of nebulous words."
If you say it out loud, it's cumbersome. Unless the character was being sarcastic? Or always talks like that?
This seems a little rough, too:
"We were then interrupted as a medium-sized sedan pulled up next to us and Jimmy had me get into the back seat first and then he followed me in."
Maybe this instead?
"A medium-sized sedan pulled up next to us. Jimmy followed me after I got into the back seat."
Eh, I'm not too keen on that, either. But maybe you can play with it?
In the "Franklin you need to trust me" line, I would leave off the "Jimmy said" at the end. Since you start off the sentence with Franklin's name, and Jimmy is just continuing the conversation, the character reference seems redundant.
Consider ending "You do realize" with a question mark.
The last paragraph is a little heavy-handed. Personally, I'd rework it to flow a little better:
"We both knew the carpool lane had been removed years ago when there were more carpoolers than not. We both knew it, and yet Jimmy was so certain. It was clear that I was going to learn something new."
I'd like to thank those who have commented so far, your observations are impressive. It's difficult to select 250 words at the end of a chapter and have it work with a short set-up. I'm finding it equally difficult to critique entries as well. I appreciate your input, and many of you are right about this, it reads a bit jerky to me as well, which is why I stuck it in here. After all comments are received, I'll re-write some of it.
ReplyDeleteTo answer or address some of the comments:
Being Beth: Franklin getting in first is Jimmy's thing, he always has to be in charge of the situation, I set that up on purpose. But you're right, it's bothersome the way I stated it, I'll rework it. Good criticism, and I like the dialog as well, I just have to better meld it with the narraration.
Heather: I think that the dialog seems chunky because of the narraration. These characters actually talk this way. Franklin is a journalist with a vast vocabulary, and it would work better with better narraration. But I'm delighted that you noticed it, it will point me in a better direction for their interaction. And Jimmy and Franklin aren't alike at all, I'll take apart their dialog and make sure that I make that more clear.
Celestial: I use "said" as a tag most of the time, although you're right, for some reason here I deviated from it quite a bit. And you're also right about Franklin, he is not a C.I.A. agent, he has no idea concerning all that is involved in the agency. The CIA has "biological leverage" on him, so he's in his current predicament for a while. And paper that is "watermarked" with "certain substances" is... well, that's classified ;)
c.e.lawson: Yours is my favorite criticisms thus far. I'm deligted that you see how fun these characters and their interactions are. I think that one thing I'm over-doing (this is the end of the first chapter) is that I'm trying to get backstory into the action, and that's probably not a good idea. And Franklin is stiff, not in control, and only truly happy when he's by himself. If you're as good a writer as you are a reader, you'll be published successfully in no time. This is a very fun book to write, although this one might not be published unless I become a more successfully published writer.
Judy: Thanks :)
Melinda: I struggled with that, actually. It seems as though I am violating tenses, but in actuality, there is no longer a carpool lane at the border (I live here), but there really was one. Plus, this part of the novel is sort of journalistic, as Franklin is writing all of this from where he is now as compared to five years earlier (it goes back and forth). I'll consider an alternative, because I'm not thrilled with it either.
H.L. Dyer: Aside from my above comments concerning your issues, I'm leaning towards correcting the narrative rather than the dialog. But you're right, this needs some heavy editing.
Just Me: The entire chapter certainly would explain more, but I'm glad that this was my first exersize here. Sometimes just 250 words excludes the reader the opportunity to excuse sloppy writing that might not otherwise be seen, I'm grateful for that.
Rick: You're right, there are a lot of sentences in here that I could cut in half. I guess I have Hemmingwayphobia, fear of writing short, choppy observations, and I'm probably over-compensating. Thanks for your notes, really good stuff to consider.
Though I couldn't find anything that really jumped out at me, there was nothing here that really grabbed me, either. The dialogue, like said above, feels more "As you know Bob" than offering something new and exciting. Sorry, but I'm not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot much of a cliffhanger on this chapter ending. The only intrigue was the papers- what are they?
ReplyDeleteNothing really grabbed me here, sorry, I probably wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I think you have a good premise, but I would think about Franklin's style of talking. I get that he's all literary but most literary types I know tend to speak more simply since that's the best way to get the point across, and he might get tiresome for the reader page after page.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I do find this interesting, and I'm curious what Jimmy means by the carpool lane when there isn't one. It sounds potentially dangerous.
You've done a good job at creating curiosity about the documents.
ReplyDeleteThe writing itself needs to be edited, cleaned up. You've got some overwriting that can easily be taken care of.
For example:
"Franklin, you need to trust me, that paper lights up like a flare under x-rays. If you ever try to cross with it, they’ll nab you and I’ll be in big trouble over it," Jimmy said."
Try:
"Franklin, that paper lights up like a flare under x-rays," Jimmy said. "If you ever get nabbed trying to cross with it, I'll be in big trouble."
Reading dialogue out loud to oneself is very helpful in detecting overwritten, awkward dialogue. As a rule, we use less words when we speak than when we write. So dialogue needs to read as though someone is actually saying it.
You can have real fun with this scene. Clean it up, tighten the dialogue, and keep going!