TITLE: Time Is Hell
GENRE: urban fantasy
Heckler thinks he has a moment to relax after a highly stressful day (mobbed by faeries, nearly killed by giant clock monsters, and getting morally conflicting choices thrust on him). By now, Heckler is exhausted, beaten, sleep and nicotine deprived, and has been pushed past his limits physically and mentally. He's in his basement, hoping for a rest bit as the end of the world approaches.
It came down to whether or not he'd do what Baal wanted. Why did the damn circumstances have to keep shifting and throwing him for a loop? Moral acrobatics weren't his forte, given he had so few to begin with. Just when he thought for sure he could deal with killing Widower, the man saved his life. Again.
He hated debts.
Something thumped against the window. Heckler jerked and stood. His legs wobbled and his back muscles protested. Any minute now and his whole body would go on strike. Bracing himself on the folding chair, he gripped the saber hilt and waited.
Another thump from the other side of the basement rattled the glass. Green light glowed outside.
Crap.
Wouldn't the fey ever give it up?
Glass shattered and a dozen faeries burst in. Heckler threw his arm up on reflex, shielding his face.
Oberon was subtler. He created a portal in the center of the room. Wild thorns and negative energy crackled and spiked the air with burnt ozone. The faerie king stepped through with a lance and whip, his neon green hair flaring around him in a mane of static electricity, and lime-green sparks of rage dancing in his eyes. Way too melodramatic. "You are pissing me off, mortal."
Heckler widened his stance and glared back. "Ditto, glitter."
"You are by rights mine." Oberon leveled his lance at Heckler's chest. "And you are not escaping me again."
"Wanna bet?"
Oberon charged him.
This, I liked. Lots of names that caught my interest. A lead I want to follow. And Oberon. (Hey, where he goes, I go.)
ReplyDeleteThis had a great mix--well-defined visuals, every sense being noticed, and a smart-aleck reply. I would drop the final "him" and end on "charged" for a totally backloaded ending.
Page turner. Well-done.
I've been mostly skimming these, but this one stood out for me - I love the protagonist and his attitude. It's something that probably won't work if you keep going at this pace for the whole book - for me to appreciate the sarcasm and irreverance there have to be more reflective moments, too - but I definitely would pick up this book for a closer look.
ReplyDeleteJust when he thought for sure he could deal with killing Widower, the man saved his life. Again.
That is plenty of hook for me - I want to know not only what happened to get him to that point, but also how he will deal with it.
WeeeeEEEeeee!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice as always. And a great chapter ending. Makes me want to read the whole thing. (feel threatened)
I don't have any criticism for you. I loved it. Even your blurb was strong and set the scene perfectly (something that's been a weakness for some excerpts here). The attitude, the pacing, the last line, everything flows here.
ReplyDeleteOh, and him saying to Oberon, "Ditto, glitter," made me laugh out loud.
Love it, want more!
This is great. I would definitely read on. Good imagery. Your descriptions didn't feel cliche. My only suggestion is minor: dropping the word 'it' in "Wouldn't the fey ever give it up?"
ReplyDeleteIntriguing concept, and I'm digging your protag. Nothing seemed overworked, and considering all that's going on here, that's a major feat.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of sentences that could be tightened up:
~"Moral acrobatics weren't his forte, given he had so few to begin with." (Had so few what? Morals? Doesn't follow...)
~"Wild thorns and negative energy crackled and spiked the air with burnt ozone." (Can wild thorns crackle? The subject-verb relationships are a little too vague here.)
Other than small things like that, great job, and good luck!
I enjoyed this very much with just a few nit picky points. "Static" electricity is actually unseen - only when electrons flow do we see sparks, and then it is no longer static. Also the phrase “Way too melodramatic" was "way too melodramatic" for me. ;)
ReplyDeletegood- lots of tension here and a cliffhanger ending. However, I thought "Oberon was subtler" was a little telling. Otherwise, I would read on.
ReplyDeleteOver all I enjoyed the narrative voice in this and the interaction between Heckler and Oberon. I'm not a big fan of the rhetorical questions to the reader, though, especially as you can get the same effect without them. They don't add much. Similarly the "moral acrobatics" line is a bit clunky. Your subject/object referent gets skewed, too, which lessons the impact of the notion that Heckler doesn't have many morals so he's not cut out for internal moral debate.
ReplyDeleteOne nit pick in your otherwise excellent summary: rest bit/ respite?
ReplyDeleteI agree with other comments re tightening up the grammar- to make it stronger and leaner
give it up/ give up
charged him/ charge
thrust on/ thrust upon
threw his arm up/ threw up his arm
I did love the description of Oberon's arrival and the ditto glitter line!
Great pacing. Great visuals. Loved the voice of your POV character. Except for a few words, the writing was nice and tight. I loved how you described things - the visuals really popped, and there was a nice energy in the piece. Really well done.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I like the "Way too melodramatic." line. :)
This is really great. The only thing that pulled me out was the idea that a faerie king would use the very human phrase "you're pissing me off."
ReplyDeleteOther than that, really fantastic.
I found this one very good.
ReplyDeleteWhen you wrote "his neon green hair flaring around in him in a mane of static electicity" I picurted the hair actually shooting out in all directions because of static electricty, caused by the portal. I liked that visual. Is that what you intended?
The "pissing me off, mortal" does sound a little off coming from a Fae King. But I loved "Ditto, glitter."
I do want to see more.
I had no problem with Oberon speaking in idiom; I liked the breaking up and little things to add to the voice. But I don't think you need the rhetorical questions, especially as they're sort of just telling what you're about to or have just shown. I really like the character names, and how you keep up the pace. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like this. I would keep reading. You definitely leave us with a cliff hanger.
ReplyDeleteJust a few suggested nits
"Any minute now and his whole body would go on strike."
delete and.
"Heckler threw his arm up on reflex"
delete on reflex. It dilutes the sentence.
"Way too melodramatic. "You are pissing me off, mortal.""
You give us a good description of the portal opening and then you tell us what you want us to get from the passage by telling us it is melodramatic.
Also the dialogue gets lost at the end of the long paragraph.
""Wanna bet?""
I need some sort of description of the action here, even if you say that he stood his ground.
Thank you all for the great comments and nit picks! :D (They definitely help as I tend to be horrible at self-editing. :P)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate all the feedback and I'm quite happy it worked for many of you. B-) Thanks!
~Merc