TITLE: Misconception
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Set Up: P.O.V. character is 35 year old wife Pace Kelly. After a routine exam, her doctor says she's pregnant even though her husband had a vasectomy three years ago. Her husband, Jason, goes to back to his doctor because something obviously went wrong with his vasectomy. Dillon is her eight year old son.
I glance at the clock. Four p.m. Nancy Palmore isn’t dropping Dillon off until five, and it’s way too early to be Jason, but I find him standing in the foyer when I come around from the kitchen. He’s just standing there, carrying his leather case as if waiting for an elevator. When he hears me and our eyes meet, the look he gives me stops me in my tracks.
“Jason, what’s wrong?” I ask. “Why are you home so early?”
He looks at me, his brow furrowed, his knuckles white from gripping his case tight. He doesn’t speak for a long time.
“Jas?” I say, moving toward him. He whips his arm away before I touch him. “What is it?”
He drops his case and moves past me into the den. His head is down and he’s got his hands on his hips as if about to give a half-time speech to a team getting their asses kicked. When he turns around, I can see he’s…angry and perplexed, I guess I’d call it.
“Dr. German’s office called with my test results,” he says in a low voice and then waits for me to respond.
“Okay…” The way he’s waiting makes me think they’ve found cancer. He shakes his head.
“They said I’m shooting blanks.”
“What do you mean?” I ask stupidly, because this used to be his favorite way to describe his status after the vasectomy.
“I’m sterile, Pace. There’s no way I got you pregnant.”
Oooh, this sound great. I'd deffinitely read on. I wan't to know who the father is already. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteGreat ending to a chapter.
Woah!
ReplyDeleteThis certainly ends on a high note of tension. Which makes me want to read the next chapter to see what the heck happened! Good job. So, my questions include: has she been unfaithful? Were the tests done on Jason wrong? Is this a miraculous conception?
Just a few comments and nits:
Your choice of tense and first person point of view is interesting -- it makes it feel more immediate.
but I find him standing in the foyer when I come around from the kitchen. He’s just standing there, carrying his leather case as if waiting for an elevator
Here, you've repeated "standing" twice in two sentences. I'd use something else for one or even just delete the first because if he's not dead, there's really no need to mention "standing in the foyer". You could just use "I find him in the foyer when I come from around the kitchen."
I'd avoid "stops me in my tracks" as it is a bit too cliche a phrase.
He looks at me, his brow furrowed, his knuckles white from gripping his case tight. He doesn’t speak for a long time.
Since you have their eyes meeting in the previous sentence, I think you can delete the 'he looks at me' phrase.
How long is a long time? I think you can probably delete that as well since he doesn't answer her after two questions. We know time has passed.
“Jason, what’s wrong?” I ask. “Why are you home so early?”
It's just a tiny nit, but perhaps you don't need "I ask" when you've just had dialogue that asks a definite question. Instead of a dialogue tag, why not use some action or an observation on her part to separate her questions?
Good luck with this!
This ending certainly makes me want to turn the page. The last line sounds too calm for the emotions Jason must be feeling. Put some action into the line and show me how he feels, and try to end the sentence with a strong phrase or word - maybe something like: "There's not a freaking sperm in my body," his lower right eyelid twitched, "We're two thousand years past the immaculate conception," he loosened his tie and ripped it from his neck, "So who the heck knocked you up?"
ReplyDeleteFeel free to lift the sentence.
Doh! I would want to read on, but I felt that it was an awkward place to leave off. I might have said a little more after "there's no way I got you pregnant." Not a resolution, but maybe what the main character was thinking at the moment or something just to finish the scene and bring it to the next one. For instance, she sat on the couch with her head in her hands or he tore out of the house. That's just my two cents for whatever it's worth! ;-)
ReplyDeleteAgreed with WriterHolic.
ReplyDeleteAlso was thrown by "When he turns around, I can see he’s…angry and perplexed, I guess I’d call it."
Can you show us he angry and perplexed? Show us the tension in his stance, his face, his tone.
Otherwise great ending.
This is a great excerpt - I definitely want to know more and I would turn to the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteHis head is down and he’s got his hands on his hips as if about to give a half-time speech to a team getting their asses kicked
This image doesn't go with the emotions going on with these characters. I think you're just trying to get across his stance, but when you're going to use this type of descriptive it usually has more punch if it also conveys the mood of the scene.
Material is hooking and I do want to watch the train wreck that's about to occur :)
ReplyDeleteI felt the voice was a bit forensic and would like to see the narration be a bit more lively and flowing.
Yay!
Very good. I would keep reading into the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteI agree with former comments on how the things Jason said might be a bit too calm for the situation.
Keep going!
Yikes! There's trouble brewing here, I'd definitely read on. I just have one nit pick. The sentences - "He drops his case and moves past me into the den. His head is down and he's got his hands on his hips-" I pictured him walking with his hands on his hips, which is awkward. Perhaps you can add something after he reaches the den to indicate he's stopped moving - "He swung around to face me, but couldn't lift his gaze from the floor. Hands on his hips, he looks as if . . .."
ReplyDeleteAnyway, good job.
I would definitely turn the page here! And actually, I think I have to disagree with some of the previous comments about how Jason is too calm.
ReplyDeleteThe way it plays out to me, I would think that the house is virtually silent, as Pace is alone and surprised by Jason's arrival. It is already clear that their conversation is tensions-filled, but I get that Jason's last line of the chapter is more of an eerie calm, like there is so much going on underneath, there's no way he can express it.
Just my thoughts!
I see two technical tics here that you might think about: cliche, as someone already pointed out, and "say it twice-itis" -- explaining what you've already said. I think if you eliminated those two, everything would tighten up nicely:
ReplyDeleteI glance at the clock. Nancy Palmore isn’t dropping Dillon off until five, and it’s way too early to be Jason, but he's in the foyer when I come around from the kitchen. He’s just standing there, carrying his leather case as if waiting for an elevator.
“Jason, what’s wrong? “Why are you home so early?”
He looks at me, his brow furrowed, his knuckles white from gripping his case.
“Jas?” He whips his arm away before I touch him.
He drops his case and moves past me into the den. He’s got his hands on his hips as if about to give a half-time speech to a team getting their asses kicked.
When he turns around, he’s. . . angry and perplexed, I guess I’d call it.
“Dr. German’s office called with my test results,” he says in a low voice.
“Okay…” My god, did they find cancer?
“They said I’m shooting blanks.”
====
good luck!
I'd definitely turn the page. I love that this is women's fiction, yet it has that air of intrigue that increases tension and steps up the pace. Very well done. And though I usually don't care for present tense, you've done an admirable job here. How did Pace get pregnant? I'm dying to know!
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love the narrative. The dialogue slowed me down in a few places. It’s too stiff with your tags. You don’t need your ‘I say’ tags. They slow down the tension you’ve built up. Other than that, this is great. I really like it. By her feelings, I’m not getting that she cheated on him or anything.
ReplyDeleteFunny, but I don’t like present tense, but I didn’t even realize this was in the present! Great job. I would certainly read on.
added--I like Jason's actions and tone. Like said above, I'm getting the feeling that the house is silent and he's doing all he can to hold his temper in check.
I was sucked in immediately and stayed in--wished the excerpt went further. And I find Jason's quiet and flat remarks more convincing (and much more alarming) than ranting would have been.
ReplyDeleteI would cut "i can see he's..." becausethat opening seems to suggest a definite understanding of what's going on with him, and then the "I guess" at the end of the sentence seems odd.
I also liked this very much, and agree with some of the comments of where to cut and tighten up.
ReplyDeleteBut I like the tension between the two just as it stands. It works for me.
One thing I didn't like - carrying his case. He's standing still, so he's not carrying it. He's holding it. Maybe since no one else has mentioned it, it isn't a problem, but I personally didn't care for it.
But I would definitely keep reading this one.
A page turner. I'm glad my vasectomy worked eons ago.
ReplyDeleteLeave out adverbs: "I ask stupidly..." Maybe if you take out the last Pace sentence.
"They said I'm shooting blanks, Pace. There's no way I got you pregnant."
I don't have much to add to what's already been said. I found it engaging and would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteThe hands-on-hips-like-a-coach line didn't feel right to me either, and I didn't find it a little repetitious. But it wasn't a big enough stylistic thing to turn me off.
Good luck!
*looks at setup* Her hubby trusts her enough to blame the doctor first. The situation is pretty incrimidating for her... That was my thought even before reading the snippet. That thought kept bouncing around my head while I read the snippet. I'm not saying it's unbelievable, but I sat here trying to figure out why infidelity never occurred to this couple.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'd definitely read a little more, because she doesn't sound like she cheated. She sounds just as surprised about the results as her guy does. Which leaves a little mystery as to - well, HOW?
Random thing that occurred to me... most guys I know don't really carry briefcases anymore. They carry computer bags if anything.
I won't reiterate what people have said previously, except to say that the whole idea of this is crippling emotionally, and I would so read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! Just a little tightening and you're there, IMO.
You got me! She doesn't sound like she's cheating ... now I want to know if it's some Virgin-Mary miracle. Or evolution? You got me guessing - which is good! Shows that I'd read on to find out!
ReplyDeleteMegs, this happened to me. After three kids we thought we were done and my husband had a vasectomy. A year later I found out I was pregnant. My husband never once suggested I was unfaithful. He said, "I better get my money back from that doctor." He got tested and found out he wasn't "shooting blanks." Oops.
ReplyDeleteAnd my fourth child is an absolute doll, I can't imagine life without him!
I'd read this, for sure.
After reading the synopsis I guessed the ending, but it works. If I were just cruising the book this would be enough to make me keep reading the next chapter. I wonder what happened and how the family will cope.
ReplyDeleteI like this the way it is, except for the nitpicky word and grammar stuff that's already been mentioned. The dialogue isn't "calm" for me, it's tense and understated. I can see Jason holding back his anger the whole time.
ReplyDeleteI think you ended at a good place. If it's not Jason, then who's the father? Is he going to blow up? Is Pace going to feel guilty? Is she going to run out of the room? Ending the chapter sooner wouldn't have that same hook. I definitely want to keep reading.
I'd definitely turn the page; and I actually really LIKED how "calm" everyone is. It's clearly a front before things explode, and I found the tension works SO much better that way than if they had started screaming at each other or whatever.
ReplyDeleteI do prefer subtle this way. ;)
Only nit I have is that
When he turns around, I can see he’s…angry and perplexed, I guess I’d call it. feels a bit awkward. I think it's the intrusion of "I guess I'd call it", as it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the voice and narrative in this section. Also, I wouldn't mind seeing how he looks when angry and confused (show us more).
Maybe have him turn around and just describe how his face looks, and then move on?
Nice job.
~Merc
It's well-written. Good dialog, good detail, and obvious tension. But it's predictable, which makes it a challenge to write it differently. For the narrative, don't guess and don't suppose.
ReplyDelete"I can see he’s…angry and perplexed, I guess I’d call it."
Don't guess. He's angry and perplexed, and that's that.
The MC narrative isn't easy, but you have to be definitive with it. Maybe it would be better written as past tense rather than present tense?
Try it and see...
DUN DUN DUN!
ReplyDeleteI love that type of last sentence that just smacks you up side the head and makes you HAVE to turn the page.
Well done.
I'm totally hooked here. I like the voice and the POV
ReplyDeleteI thought you showed Jason's emotional state very well.
I'm not a big fan of present tense narrative usually, but I'd make an exception here
oooh, scandalous!! I'm already coming up with possible solutions... is this just a miracle baby?? Did Pace have an affair she forgot about? Or does she have an alter-ego she's unaware of? Or is this an immaculate conception??? Really well written although present tense usually bugs me. Two thumbs up.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a cliff hanger.
ReplyDeleteI don't particularly like first person, so it puts me at a disadvantage in some respects.
It seems odd to use Nancy Palmore since this obviously isn't in the beginning of the book. Is this the first time she's mentioned?
Did she know he was going to the doctor about the vasectomy? If so, why would she think cancer?
You have him holding his briefcase with white knuckles and then standing with his hands on his hips. I think I would show him dropping the briefcase and the sound it makes in the foyer. Also, if he's gripping the briefcase that way, it's inconsistent with him standing there like he's waiting for an elevator, which is normally a bored stance.
I would ramp up the end a bit by showing more inner emotion.
Overall, I think it was a good chapter ending and certainly makes a person wonder what's going to happen next.
It's well written, but I'm not really feeling the tension, although the scene sets up a good conflict. The writing feels removed from Pace's emotions and thoughts, and feels kinda like a blow-by-blow book report. Sorry, but I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI love the story line and would continue reading. I want to know how Pace got pregnant.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that threw me off was Jas with his hands on his hips. If he's mad maybe have him throw his leather case.
Let me know when it done. I'd love to read the entire story.