GENRE: MIDDLE GRADE HISTORICAL
Dear Mama,
I hope you are doing well. PLEASE COME GET ME AND OTIS!
I’m tired of working in the field picking cotton and corn and tobacco and whatever else Grandpa Lum grows for the “BOSS MAN.” I thought slavery was over! I want to come live with you, Mama. NOW! And Mama, you’re not going to believe this, but yesterday, when me, Hattie, and Otis were out in the cotton field pulling weeds, Grandma Jenny hit me over the head with a hoe! She said I was too slow. Mama, I was just tired. Tired from walking the mile home from school. Tired from the heat. Tired from working in the fields. Please come get me, Mama.
CRR-E-E-E-A-K CREAK
Oh no. Someone’s coming up the ladder! Grandpa Lum will skin me alive if he finds me up here writing to my mama.
Shoving aside the worn notebook she was writing on, Cleo Holmes swung her brown, mosquito-bitten legs over the side of the bed, narrowly missing the jagged metal springs poking through the thin mattress.
With the finished letter still in her hand, she hurried across the room and quickly pushed aside the dark sheet of the makeshift closet. Pulling down an old, tattered shoe box from the back of the top shelf, she placed the letter in the box alongside her blue ribbon ink pen (won in a most-books-read-over-the-
Great writing. Really wonderful imagery - I like the phrase 'brown mosquito bitten legs'. Wonderful. Who is Otis? A brother? I like that her aunt Hattie is only 12. I'm hooked - but would suggest cutting out the caps in the letter. You can do a better job of conveying her distress and impatience and miserable circumstance without the caps. They were distracting. Good work!
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to see what happens. You pull the reader in to care for Cleo. Great job. Nice descriptions and just enough drama to hook us in. I've used the Creak sound as you did and was told it was cheesy. I don't think you need it anyway. It warrants a heads-up with the intrusion of someone coming. Nice.
ReplyDeleteI love the characters you've created! You've got wonderful imagery with the "brown, mosquito-bitten legs." I like the humor of "the boss man," thinking "slavery was over," and being hit "over the head with a hoe." The only thing I might change would be the word "my" in the line about Grandpa Lum skinning her. It just seems like since your MC is thinking this, she might simply say "writing to mama." Overall, a wonderful job. I definitely would read on! Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteI would read on. The voice, the story questions all pulled me in to your story. I feel for Cleo. And would cheer for her whatever fate befalls her.
ReplyDeletePerhaps, to create the urgency of someone coming up the ladder, Cleo could not finish the letter. Stop at "Please come - " like you would if a conversation was interrupted.
Good job.
I would have to say I loved everything after the letter. The urgency of being discovered and the description of Cleo in the "odds and ends" room was wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThe letter felt like a device to fill in backstory and motivation and I found myself wondering when the "good stuff" would start. I might be more intrigued if I didn't see the contents and only saw her scrambling to hide it since from that we know 1) she's afraid of her Grandpa and hiding something 2)she's in a situation she doesn't like 3) she's got spirit.
I'd definitely read more to learn about Cleo's world.
It's an intriguing historical setting: cotton farm in 1941, a family which includes a twelve year old aunt (bringing to my mind lots of kids), the mosquitos, the attic.
ReplyDeleteThe character, with her book-winning and box of secret letters, is also immediately sympathetic to me.
Loved everything BEFORE the letter. I thought the letter was great, although I'd take out the caps. Have her underline things. That's what kids do. Watch your "ing" verbs. They tend to show passivity and you've got a few here, but really well done. This isn't my sort of stuff, but she's got enough of my sympathy I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe letter is a bit too proper for a kid (regardless of race) to be writing. You need a little more dialect in there to fix the setting.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise good work -
Poor kiddo. :[
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. I'm taking everything into consideration. I really appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteJanet- Thanks for the suggestion about not finishing the letter. I think that would work well.
And Lilianamama and others, thanks for the tip about the caps. I wasn't too sure about that.
I loved the letter - I thought you really portrayed her well - trying to be polite by writing a polite greeting, but then quickly getting to her problem. Just like a kid.
ReplyDeleteI already feel for this girl and Otis and want to know what happened to their mother. Good job.
REALLY great character voice. You paint the picture of the time and place exceptionally well and really get us into the character's head. And you've even got a double hook in here--what happened to her mother, and why she's on the farm in the first place. Awesome job! I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteI think the italicized part should be rewritten in 3rd person. Lovely description. I like how you say "brown, mosquito-bitten legs" and the description of the dilapidated mattress.
ReplyDeleteI really loved this one. The letter is wonderful and really drew me in. I think the writing in italics, are written correctly as she is thinkining in first person. If not, then I'm doing it wrong too.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I would love to read more.
(Sorry if this is a double post - it didn't seem to go through the first time).
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of interesting details here – maybe even a few too many. The first time I read through this, the transitions from the letter to the creak to the first-person thought to third person narration – all on the first page! – were a little jarring. Inserts like “won in a most-books-read-over the summer contest” slow down the narrative pace and distract the reader from the danger of Cleo being found by her grandpa. This is more of a nitpick, but there are also a couple of places where the writing could be tightened a bit (“shoving aside her worn notebook, Cleo Homes swung” might flow more smoothly than what you have now). The reference to slavery in the letter seemed more like something a kid who had experienced slavery (maybe in the 1860s or 70s) would have said, and confused me a bit about the time period.
That said, I do like Cleo’s voice, especially in the letter (it sounded exactly right for her to go from the polite introduction of “I hope you are doing well” to “PLEASE COME GET ME AND OTIS!” and I had to laugh when I read it). A touch of dialect or period appropriate kid-slang might make it even better. The twelve-year-old aunt is intriguing, as is the setting. I’d keep reading.
I was completely sucked into this one! Great job. But the italicized part didn't work for me. I think it slows things down and you have done such an amazing job with the pace otherwise.
ReplyDeleteJust a suggestion, but could you drop that part and just let us know she hears someone coming up the steps? I don't see that we need to know right away that she's a little afraid of her grandfather - we already know she's unhappy with her present situation - and who wouldn't be!
The hoe comment cracked me up because it is so realistic. Poor baby!
I want to read all of this and know it turns out okay for her.
I definitely want to read on to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI love this: Cleo Holmes swung her brown, mosquito-bitten legs over the side of the bed
I think what bothered me the most was the voice of the letter. It didn't feel authentic enough; almost as though the author's voice "bled through" a bit. For instance, the "Tired from the heat. Tired from working in the fields." has a literary ring that I'm not sure a child (even a child who loves to read) would use in an almost-frantic letter to her mother.
You've got my interest, though!
Hooked. I was a little worried to see it started with a letter, but you pulled it off. The voice of the letter was a little different from the rest, but otherwise, beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteThank you all again so much for your honest comments. It's greatly appreciated!
ReplyDeleteAuthoress, thanks for reading, and I know exactly what you mean now about the voice in the letter. Thanks for that insight. It's something I wasn't quite sure about myself. Now I have an idea of what to do in my revision. I think others voiced concerns about this aspect, too.
Thanks, everyone! And crit away!
I enjoyed this and would keep reading. I want to know why she's living with her grandparents.
ReplyDeleteGood Job!
I like it. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI like it too, with the caveat that Authoress mentioned. I also am thinking that I'd like to see her nervousness about someone coming up the ladder written directly into the narrative rather than going into her thoughts. But those are nits - I would definitely read on. Good job.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sorry! For me, this is a lot like number 49. Lots of interesting possibility here but the writer hasn't mastered the craft.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, starting with a letter is going to be a really hard beginning. And then think about what this letter reveals--pretty much the backstory. I'd rather that be revealed to me as the story unfolds.
Then we have the internal dialogue "Oh no, someone's coming" that tells me the event before it happens. I'd rather just jump to the scene where Cleo hears the noise, then hides the letter. I'll get all the rest without being told.
So this writer isn't ready yet so I wouldn't read on.
Thank you, Secret Agent (Kristin Nelson) for your comments. I'm not sure if you're going to read any more replies but I just wanted to address something.
ReplyDeleteThe draft I wrote before this one DID NOT start off with the letter, and went right into action. The letter was included in the latter part of chapter 1. I put the letter at the beginning again last October based on a suggestion from an editorial asst. at Penguin whom I had met at the 2008 Rutgers One-on-One Plus Conference.
So now I'm really confused because I have 2 different professional opinions.
Can anyone offer a suggestion as to whose opinion I should go with?
Do what you feel serves your story best. Agents' professional opinions will vary, just like individual readers' personal tastes will vary. Either approach will gain or lose you readers. Go with your gut.
ReplyDelete