Vali is Bryn’s boyfriend. She found information on the Internet about Norse mythology. Five of the names listed as Norse gods and goddesses were Vali, his brothers, and their fiancées. Even though he has never said he’s a god, she thinks she’s now a victim of some cruel joke. The rules of self-preservation pertain to those she created after she was raped at a party. They were designed to keep her safe from being hurt again.
Nanna’s words from the grocery store popped to mind. Asgard. Wasn’t that where she said Vali had gone? There was something about the name that seemed familiar. Curious to see where he’d was, I looked it up on the Internet. But all I could find listed under the name was the place where some of the Norse gods were supposed to have lived.
Nanna and Balder—or whoever was portraying them—certainly had their roles down pat. I would have stumbled over my words, but Nanna spoke as if she really believed the lies. Guess that’s what made her such a great actress.
I tried to recall her exact words. She had mentioned Vali was going to tell me everything when he returned. But if that were true, then why keep up the act of being Norse gods and goddesses? And why invite me to a party? Did she really believe I’d show up after the truth came out? Hardly.
But what if . . .?
No. No. No. I couldn’t let my thoughts bound off in that direction. Vali, Thor, and Balder weren’t gods. And Nanna and Sif were as much goddesses as I was—despite what my pajama top claimed.
I went back to my editing and selected the best pictures to order online, including one of Vali I had taken without him knowing. I would frame it with my rules of self-preservation as a reminder of what happened when I ignored them.
The word 'bound' bugged me. It seemed too happy for the mood I was trying to set up. I've changed it 'careen'. Do you agree that's better? Thanks in advance.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise. I don't think there's much of a cliffhanger at the end of the chapter, though.
ReplyDeleteI liked the concept more than I liked the writing, unfortunately. Maybe it's just that this passage is too complex to pull out of context, but I was confused all the way through.
ReplyDelete"Curious to see where he'd was" should be "Curious to see where he was"
Have they TOLD her that they're gods and goddesses? Because they could just as easily have been named after gods and goddesses and that seems a more likely jump for the MC to make than to actually question whether they are, in fact, gods without any kind of further proof of it.
I remember seeing the first 250 not to long back.
ReplyDeleteLoved this line: were as much goddesses as I was—despite what my pajama top claimed.
I wished I knew how far into the story this was to warrant this surge of internal deducing. Things she's bringing up seem to be a review of information she's already been exposed to several times over, but hasn't yet accepted. I usually cringe when the MC keeps revisiting their disbelief UNLESS their presented with continual proof that knocks them down eventually.
I could see this going that direction.
Also, got a feel for the character's voice, but I felt your author's voice stepped in a few times. I like to be completely absorbed in the MC POV.
I like the writing, but I'm not sure I'm left hanging to wonder what comes next. But really good writing. :)
ReplyDeleteMythology LIVES ON! I love all these mythological premises. I'm a big fan of both Greek and Norse mythology. This is definitely a cool premise. Modern day gods? Winner! I'd read on just because of that, although I think you might consider pulling more of a hook, since this is the end of a chapter. The last paragraph is kind of confusing and dulls my curiosity. But fix that up, and I absolutely adore this idea.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise and voice, but the writing leaves me a little confused. Is she sitting at her desk, looking up the info about Asgard then? Or had she already done that?
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph also confuses me. What does Bryn mean by, "I would have stumbled over my words, but Nanna spoke as if she really believed the lies." Is she referencing the conversation she and Nanna had at the store?
Also, typo alert: "Curious to see where he’d was.."
But like I said, the premise is cool. I don't know how I'd feel if I suddenly realized that it looked like my boyfriend and his family were running around carrying on this ruse of being Norse gods and goddesses. I certainly wouldn't believe that they were said gods. I think with more clarity, this could be truly fantastic.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Thanks everyone for your feedback and for pointing out that error. I'll go and fix that now. I was nevous using this ending because you've missed a lot of what led up to this moment. The blurb was long enough as it was.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the other comments, so I'm sorry if this is a repeat (I hate when something gets pushed too much).
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the line "despite what my pajama top claimed". Great stuff, and makes me like your voice even more.
There are some awkward sentences:
There was something about the name that seemed familiar versus Something about the name tickled my memory.
I went back to my editing and selected the best pictures to order online, including one of Vali I had taken without him knowing (sounds stalkerish to me BTW) versus I went back to my editing and ordered the best pictures online.
The final sentence also seemed a bit awkward but maybe it is the happened versus happens that got me. I can't quite place it.
I'm sure the "he'd was" got caught already, sounds like a simple error during revision. I do the exact same thing when I am going to fast, and with these submission calls you have to get them in quick.
I enjoyed it and the premise sounds fun. Keep it up!
Oh, and to answer your question...I would probably use slide rather than careen our bound, but that is just a personal preference.
ReplyDeleteI also liked the line about the pajama top.
ReplyDeleteThe ending is a bit unclear to me. It seems as if she wants his picture as a reminder not to trust people, so that mean she plans to break off their relationship? If so, I think it would be clearer to state that directly.
I like the premise and would probably read on. This chapter ending has some unanswered questions, but it doesn't have tension that would compel me to keep reading.
I agree with judall about the word choice; "careen" jumps out at me for some reason.
Hope this is helpful.
I like the premise, and I love the line about the "goddess" pajama top- very cute.
ReplyDelete"Curious to see where he'd was" makes no sense to me since "he'd" is a contraction for "he had". "where he was" or "where he'd gone" would work better.
I like your storytelling, I would read on.
Hmm.... see, here... I'd probably only freak out if my boyfriend's name was Loki. Or Thor. >:]
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure... the premise confused me a little bit. One thing that stood out is wouldn't the gods and goddesses be using different names, so they don't stand out so much. ID'd as Norse gods or not, the names aren't exactly ordinary. Unless they were foreigners of course.
I would read the previous chapters - at least to see the part where she first discovers "I'm really dating a Norse God." <- And yes, I'd grab any book with a title like that.
For those of you wondering about the typo. The word 'was' had been 'gone', but in my bad editing mode (I'm usually so careful), I forgot to remove the 'd. Believe me, it wasn't intentional. Guess I'd better make that eye apt soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm laughing at the comments. It really is so hard to figure out a story on only 250 words. I know. I've read the other entries as well. Good thing there's not prize at the end of the day. But don't worry. All of your concerns (other than the typo) aren't really a problem . . . if you read the whole book (or at least the stuff from page one to this point). I thank you, once again, for your feedback.
I love the premise! What fun :)
ReplyDeleteI have to wonder whether it's plausible that the said Norse gods would go round using their own names; if they're attempting to live in the modern world, wouldn't you think they'd try harder to blend in? And if they're not trying to blend in, well, I guess I'm wondering why not, and what they're up to.
No doubt this is just because we lack context for this passage, but I'm confused about time line. And also about where Bryn is in the process of coming to accept that her suspicions are correct. Also, does Bryn still consider Vali her boyfriend, or is she effectively ditching him?
Love the pyjama-top line!
I didn't find this excerpt super-grabby, but it is intriguing, and I would read on to see what happens.
Nice job, I liked this one and would read on--I especially liked the line about her PJ top. ;) Nice.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Not really hooked, sorry. There's nothing happening here. It's the MC, thinking about things, rather than *doing* anything. If this is the end of the chapter, there's nothing really driving me on to want to read on.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you've got a tense issue in this line: Curious to see where he’d was