GENRE: YOUNG ADULT (FANTASY)
The second guy moved farther into the room and walked right in front of her. Reta held her breath. If he stopped at this computer, she’d be spotted for sure.
“You know what?” the man from the cafeteria asked. “I think there’s someone in here.”
Reta gulped. Oh, crap.
“Someone in here?” the second guy asked. “I don’t see anyone.”
“I heard something,” the first told him. “Not to mention there’s a backpack sitting just a few feet from you.”
The light clicked on.
Reta saw a pair of legs just five feet away, a pair of legs in blue pants and black jackboots. The shiny boots turned to face her. If she was to have any chance of escape, she would have to move now. She wasn’t going to sit here and let them pull her out. They’d have to fight to take her away.
“Aaarrrrr!” Reta shot out from under the desk. Perhaps if she made enough noise, someone would come. Perhaps she could take them by surprise. Perhaps-
Reta stopped cold.
No one moved or made a sound. The second Persecutor stood there, frozen, just four feet away from her. Reta placed his voice, and a wave of sickness washed through her along with the worst feeling of horror she had ever had.
Tall and very skinny, he stood there staring back at Reta in shock. Her gaze landed on his black, spiky hair, which was now spotted with bright blue.
A gagging sound rose in Reta’s throat.
It was Gabe Cruz.
I want to read on.
ReplyDeleteThis passage needs some tightening, but I think it's a well done chapter ending.
This sentence is particularly overwritten:
Reta placed his voice, and a wave of sickness washed through her along with the worst feeling of horror she had ever had.
Clean it up and streamline it, and it will pack a real zing. You're already building tension well up to this point. That sentence made me stumble and say "eww." ;)
Good work! Keep going!
I would turn the page into the next chapter.
ReplyDelete"The second guy" threw me...I would love some unforgettable description of what he was like; facial expressions, breathing, his smell, etc. Could help build more tension.
I like this a lot. Good chapter ending. Does this Gabe want to chase her? or is he being forced. Good tension.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. The voice is distinctive. I'd rething "the worst feeling of horror she had ever had." It's kind of weak and vague. I don't get a sense of what this means for her specifically. I'd probably read on, though.
ReplyDeleteGreat tension. Makes me want to turn the page. Love the revelation at the end that it's someone she knows.
ReplyDelete"Reta placed his voice" was a little confusing. Had to read it twice to realize she finally recognized the guy's voice. And had she never seen him before, just heard him? Otherwise, I think it would be a little late to be making that connection.
Sounds like a great story!
The irony of Gabe being a persecutor is what hooks me. It makes the whole experience personal to Reta. I'd read on. :)
ReplyDeleteI like this...but wonder: where is she hiding in the room? Crunched up behind a stack of cpu's?
ReplyDeleteThis is a good read. Show "the worst feeling of horror."
I would definitely read more of it. I'm assuming Gabe Cruz is someone she likes?
ReplyDeleteI agree that her reactions are a little over-written. But I know you'll shore it up.
I found myself holding my own breath as the tension mounted. :o) I would have liked Reta to have a little more of a plan other than to make noise. I would like to see how her mind was working-would she try to shoot past them and make it to the door? Maybe cause a distraction? I just wanted to see more of the environment she was in and more of how she was thinking in her head. That's a compliment because I liked her enough to want to know ;o)! If escape is not possible then I need a stronger sense that she feels hopeless against the Persecutors. I also agree with the "worst feeling of horror". An easy fix for a very intriguing read. Good luck with this.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Yes, I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThis is very clean and great voice<:
very cool -- so disappearing youts are ending up as Persecutors? nice.
ReplyDeleteI liked the shiny boots turned to face her. It cracked me up without taking me out of the story.
I would replace "Reta stopped cold" with something that keeps us in her head.
Interesting! I think with a little more showing the tension could be incredible. Love that Gabe turned out to be a Persecutor! Nice job.
ReplyDeleteExcellent! I'd read this before going to the bathroom, no matter how bad I needed to go! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI have one issue tho. (Well, more than one, but this isn't the place to share those!) I don't like how she doesn't "place the voice" earlier. Cuz seeing him isn't going to help her place the voice, hearing him is. So...yeah, that didn't work for me. But other than that! Great tensiony cliffhanger thing going on.
Fun! Yeah, I'd turn the page and read on to know how Gabe got there and what happened.
ReplyDeleteNice job.
~Merc
Great cliffhanger with Gabe showing up as a Persecutor. That was a good suprise for me that I didn't see coming and those are the kind I love!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that caused me to halt and re-read was when one of the Persecutor's said there was a backpack, and then the light turned on after that. So I was wondering how they could have seen it. And, if they can see in the dark, why would they need to turn the light on. It just sort of confused me.
Anyways, I'd definitely be interested to read more of this story - great job!
I liked it a lot. It's very unexpected. The blurb, you think Gabe has been kidnapped, killed or something but to find out he's one of the Persecutors? Nice touch!
ReplyDeleteI like this. Good tension, and good character voice. I did think there was a contradiction in the line: o one moved or made a sound. The second Persecutor stood there, frozen, just four feet away from her. Reta placed his voice, and a wave of sickness washed through her along with the worst feeling of horror she had ever had. as the man isn't speaking when Reta places his voice.
ReplyDeleteBut other than that, I'd read on!