TITLE: McKenna Cruz, Teenage Psychic Detective
GENRE: Young Adult Mystery
McKenna Cruz is a high school freshman and psychic who can’t get a good night’s sleep. Ghosts visit her dreams, and during the day, when her classrooms are quiet, she either falls asleep or yells at apparitions to get lost. Because of her disruptive behavior McKenna has once again been sent to see Mr. Amato, the freshman class principal. In this scene, while she waits outside his office, McKenna tells his secretary she has a sinus infection and asks for a piece of candy to help stay awake.
The principal’s secretary snaps her fingers. “Pop quiz. If I’m not the school nurse and I’m not your mother, do you really think I give a crap about your sinus infection?”
“No, Ma’am.”
“Ding, ding, ding.” Mrs. K lowers her voice like a game show announcer on meth. “You get the grand prize. And I bet that’s all you get right today.”
Old—and mean—now there’s an ugly combination; kind of like high-water jeans and last year’s Keds.
Mrs. K’s chair squeaks when she stands. Her face is inches from mine. Spit flies from her mouth. Some of it lands on my hoodie, but most of it mingles with her chin hairs.
“And don’t get up again until Mr. Amato calls your name or I’ll write your skinny ass up for being insolent.”
By the time I sit down, the ‘world’s greatest secretary’ is back to filing. Her office gets quiet. My eyelids feel heavy and I drift. I see an image of her at a table with a bunch of women wearing red hats and purple scarves. They click wine glasses and cheer when Mrs. K says, “The doctor says I’m cancer free.”
I feel something nudge my shoe and blink awake. Principal Amato stands in front of me with a thick manila folder tucked under an arm.
He shakes his head. “Taking another nap, Miss Cruz?”
I really like the voice and the idea of a high school kid with psychic powers they can't turn off.
ReplyDeleteThis is only 250, but from this scene the secretary seems just a little over the top with the swearing and nastiness, but it might be tempered by other things that I'm not seeing in this small section.
The one thing with YA you want to be very careful with is keeping the characters accurate to their timeframe.
kind of like high-water jeans and last year’s Keds. - this isn't a reference a kid today would use, it's one we would have used in the late 80's, early 90's.
I really like the premise though. Good luck with it.
I like the blurb, yelling at ghosts in the classroom. That's great. I like the details and how you describe the secretary but it doesn't really grab me. I'd be more interested in it though because she's a high school kid who is psychic with no control over it. Good idea.
ReplyDeleteFor starters, based on the blurb, this is YA paranormal. The genre is hot, though it is getting crowded (like fantasy). I agree with Juliana and Merry M's comments. Especially the swearing secretary. Great voice, though.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting premise. Good luck!
Thanks, everyone, for your comments and suggestions.
ReplyDeleteDonna
Fantastic voice. And I love how you temper the nastiness of the secretary with a vision about her. Really, really great.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's a YA paranormal. But I'd definitely keep reading.
I really liked the voice of the character from this excerpt and was drawn into the story from the blurb as well as from the first sentence. But I do agree with some of the others about the secretary's swearing. It seemed a teensy, teensy bit over the top. But there could be a good reason for it like, and I'm just assuming here, maybe she's totally unhappy inside herself about having cancer & swearing at others is the only way she can vent this frustration.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I love the writing and the pace flows well. Great job and yes, I'd keep reading!
You had me at present tense. I love present tense writing. And this is good. I like this a lot. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOoh, I like this. McKenna has a very fresh voice and a good touch of sarcasm. And wow do you paint a colorful picture about Mrs. K in just a few words. Great job. I’d absolutely read on!
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by the premise, though as previously commented, this genre seems to be getting a little crowded. Just something to be careful about that it doesn't get too cliche, but from your excerpt, I really like where you're going.
ReplyDeleteAgree with the comments about the secretary being over the top. Taking into account personal experience, I'm not sure how many people went to school where the secretaries were this nasty. I'm a fan of sarcasm, so I like the way you've embedded that.
My last comment is around the "ugly combination" you cited. I'm not sure many HS kids wear Keds these days so that might be okay to say, but high water jeans have been in/out of style lately so I'd suggest being careful about what you specify as the "ugly combination."
Hope that helps. I'd definitely want to read on! Good luck.
I agree with Merry Monteleone about the secretary being over the top and the dated fashion reference way too dated. But I liked this excerpt, especially the vision.
ReplyDeleteA few nitpicks:
"Old--and mean--now there's an ugly combination" would be better "Old and mean--now ..." or "Old. And mean. Now ..."
I couldn't get a mental picture of what a "game show announcer on meth" would sound like. How about just "a game show announcer"?
This has a very strong voice and a great premise. I'd like to read on.
ReplyDeleteI do agree about the harsh language, but it is YA and it is probably acceptable.
Good dialogue and I wanted to read on, but I think the secretary would be more believable without the swearing and chin hairs. Both are over the top--especially the swearing. I know YA readers swear, but as a mother of one, I hate to think they are in any way encouraged to do so by reading it in a book where a school employee swears at them! What's the message we're sending here? Besides that, it is well written and the charachters are engaging. Good luck, and remember your audience.
ReplyDeleteHigh school secretaries do not swear at students. They'd probably get fired.
ReplyDeleteProbably not a good idea to compare her to a game show announcer on meth, either.
Sorry, but I'm not hooked. I don't like the messages you're sending.
Mrs. K is a little too unbelievable. I like your premise, but I this snippet just didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteI loved it! Of course HS secretaries wouldn't talk like that but how boring would YA fiction be if everyone really acted like they were supposed to be. MS. K can be that anomaly-but I'd portray her with a different presence around other school personnel.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the voice so I'd read on a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc