TITLE: God of War
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Kate Hayden has waking nightmares. Her mentor in the Institute for Paranormal Investigation calls them visions and says she's blessed, but it doesn't feel that way to Kate.
She meets former seminarian Michael O'Neil while consulting on a serial case. Earlier in the week, she and her contact in the police department informed Michael that they suspect his identical twin brother, Thomas, was a victim. The lone witness, an old street vagrant, claims Thomas was killed by a demon with huge black wings. As a result, everyone discounts him as a witness – everyone except Kate.
Kate returns to visit the crime scene and finds Michael standing in the rain. The old vagrant joins them and shows Michael where the murder occurred.
Strands of yellow police tape flapped in the wind, the sound of the rain crisp on the plastic marking off the crime scene. I examined the spot where Thomas died. In the darkness, it was impossible to see anything but wet grass glistening in the faint light from the streetlamp.
“This is crazy.” Michael pushed past the old man and left the garden. I followed him to the park's exit where he waited for me.
"Are you going to accept?"
"I don't know," he said. "I feel as if I need something powerful, to keep me . . . ." He hesitated and rubbed his temple.
"To keep you what?"
He turned his face away. "To keep me alive."
He ran down the street without looking back. At the corner, he hesitated and turned back before crossing. I would have run to him but something stopped me – a sense that I had no right to be involved in his life and that this was a private decision only he could make. Despite my attraction to him, he was a stranger, and I couldn't think I had any claim to him.
Sadness filled me and for the first time, I realized how incredibly lonely I really was. In some foolish way, I’d hoped that he’d be more to me than just a name in a murder investigation.
When I glanced back, the old man stood in the center of the park, still unprotected from the rain that now fell in torrents.
Although I'm missing out on what leads up to it, I like the tension in the dialog in this piece. The weak spot in this section IMO is that Kate tells us about her emotional state, when she could just as easily show us. If she's lonely, how tempted is she to follow Michael? Enough to take a few steps after him? Call out his name? The last paragraph does half that work--showing the old man as a solitary figure, thereby making Kate a solitary figure, but the two paragraphs before it are too spot-on as description of Kate's emotional state.
ReplyDeleteI like it and would want to continue reading it. I like that she doesn't want to think of him as "just a name in a murder investigation" it's got some emotion to it. I think you did good, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteAs I'm commenting without reading the thoughts of others, forgive me if I'm repetitive.
ReplyDeleteI like the story here and am intrigued by the premise, but I found myself stopping at several points, wanting more clarification.
For instance:
~"Are you going to accept?" (Accept what?)
~He ran down the street without looking back. (Why is he running?)
~...the rain that now fell in torrents. (Why didn't anyone react when the rain picked up? Does she have an umbrella? Is that why he ran?)
I think adding a few phrases here or there to really explain the how and whys of things will really go a long way.
Good luck!
Hi Writer #66,
ReplyDeleteIntriguing title, makes me want to open the book.
Interesting concept, Vivid description and realistic dialogue.
There were a couple spots that could be tightened, such as "where he waited for me" leave out the "for me."
The writing is very strong. Just some tiny nits. I wondered about "rubbed his temple." Should it be "rubbed his temples" or "rubbed a temple." With "rubbed his temple" it makes me think he has only one.
I would want to read more.
Donna
This is a nitpick that completely broke my suspension of disbelief: male/female twins CANNOT be identical. They can only be fraternal (from two separate fertilized eggs.)
ReplyDeleteGood comments across the board, so instead of repeating them I'll say: very vivid writing, interesting blurb, and overall enjoyable read.
ReplyDeleteHi, Conni -- author here. Thanks for your comments but Michael and Thomas are identical twin brothers. :D
ReplyDeleteOh, the twin refers to Michael. *-_-* See, I read it 5 times and saw "her identical twin brother," thinking it referred to KATE. Which made me go "Eh? That's not how genetics works..."
ReplyDeleteEh-heh.
I think this is good! One of the better ones on here... at least in those genres that interested me. :-) Your writing flows well.
ReplyDeleteSmall note... when you said that she "examined" the spot, but then says she couldn't see anything, that seems a conflict. I think it would make more sense to say that she "tried" to examine the spot.
Otherwise... I don't have anything specific... but I am a bit lost as to what's going on. Your writing flows so well, though, that I think I'd "get it" fine if I'd read the whole story up 'till now. :-)
I find this story intriguing and I'd like to know more about the relationship between the brothers and if Michael really did see his brother killed. I'd also like to know how Kate is going to get more involved, as I suspect she will.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I'd also like to know why Kate is qualified to help with an investigation since this wasn't given in your blurb...maybe you answered that earlier on in the chapter.
I like the ending. I can picture someone standing in the rain staring blankly...it has a very dark feel to it. Then again, who is this old man exactly? Maybe that's answered earlier on too. I'm assuming he's the man who showed Michael the crime scene?
The ending seems like a picture that would flash at the end of a scene of a show or movie--which is a really good thing. It doesn't have quite the hook of a great page turner, but it's still a good ending.
I found this hard to get into, but I think it has mostly to do with the lack of explanation in the dialogue. Which, might be okay - depending on how the dialogue went before we join the scene.
ReplyDeleteThe insight into Kate's emotions didn't work for me. It was too vague and generalized - and interrupts the action.
I really like the last sentence. It gives a very creepy hang to the chapter. My favorite part of the excerpt.
Nitpick - strands, to me, is like hair. Police tape is much thicker than this implies - unless the tape is shredded. If that is the case, give me that detail. I get the impression that the murder took place a few days ago, at least? Tattered tape could add some extra tension and spookiness to this scene.
Oh, and God of War is a very popular video game series. Just a silly FYI. :)
ReplyDeleteThe writing is solid and you really painted the scene nicely. My only main suggestion is that when the characters first start speaking, it’s a bit unclear who is talking. Maybe just add one or two additional dialogue tags to cement that for your readers. But other than that, good job! I’d read on!
ReplyDeleteYour descriptions are really solid, but this part:
ReplyDeleteHe ran down the street without looking back. At the corner, he hesitated and turned back before crossing. I would have run to him but something stopped me – a sense that I had no right to be involved in his life and that this was a private decision only he could make. Despite my attraction to him, he was a stranger, and I couldn't think I had any claim to him.
Sadness filled me and for the first time, I realized how incredibly lonely I really was. In some foolish way, I’d hoped that he’d be more to me than just a name in a murder investigation.
...that is just a whole lot of tell. And I think you could do this in a more subtle way. It's kind of like an emotional info dump right now.
Other than that, it's fantastic! Great job!
"Sadness filled me and for the first time, I realized how incredibly lonely I really was. In some foolish way, I’d hoped that he’d be more to me than just a name in a murder investigation."
ReplyDeleteThis feels like an important turning point, but it feels like you are telling me this rather than showing. It is a strong emotion and could use a bit more description.
i liked it and would continue to read.