TITLE: Michaela’s Gift
GENRE: MG Light Fantasy
12-year-old Michaela and family are visiting the grandparents. She and Aunt Sharon are upstairs having some girl talk. Aunt Sharon is an artist, and Michaela aspires to follow in her footsteps.
“What I’m trying to tell you, Michaela, is that I painted Blackie.”
Michaela rolled her eyes at the ceiling. “Yeah, I know. We already went there.”
Aunt Sharon rolled over and wadded her pillow up under her. “I know you don’t understand. There’s no way you could yet. But what I’m saying is this: I’d never seen Blackie before I painted that picture of her. I just decided in my head what would be the perfect dog. I knew what she would look like, and I knew her personality. And that’s what I painted. Then I went outside and waited for her. I sat on the porch step less than a minute before Blackie showed up. She took one look at me, and then she jumped over the gate and ran into my arms. We’ve been best friends ever since.”
Michaela lay still as a stone, letting her aunt’s words seep into her brain. Aunt Sharon was telling her that she had painted a dog into life. Yesterday Michaela would have never believed anything so shocking. But yesterday she hadn’t ever seen a ghost, or eaten peaches and bananas that grew from the same tree. And yesterday she hadn’t heard a canary have an intelligent conversation with a four year old. And anyone who knew Chloe knew that a talking canary wasn’t the weird part of that idea. She looked at Aunt Sharon, who was studying her closely. “How is that possible?”
Aunt Sharon’s smile was secretive. “It’s the gift.”
Of, course I always love this one. Another one of my favourites. What an great story. I would read this one without stopping at all.
ReplyDeleteThere was only one thing I had to read twice though, 'waded her pillow up under her.' I would change the word 'waded', but that could just be me.
What a fun story! I can just picture what else they could 'draw' up. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the word 'waded.' And I also wonder about changing the sentence "I know you don't understand..." that's almost calling her stupid. Maybe, "no, you don't understand."
I'd read on. What fun.
I really like this. I think you've got a writing style that hooks readers, and you also definitely have me wanting to know more! I want to know how these things are happening! Is it only happening there, at that house, or all over the place?
ReplyDeleteGood job!
What an interesting concept that you can paint things "into life." And you make it seem so very believable in the way you've described it.
ReplyDeleteI love your writing style and your dialogue. The characters are natural and believable and the words flow nicely from the page.
Very good job. I would definitely read the rest of this.
I really like this one. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love the sentence, "and anyone who knew Chloe knew that a talking canary wasn't the weird part of that idea." Well put and very telling.
I'm a huge fan!!!
Good stuff!
ReplyDeleteGreat concept for a novel.
Vivid characters and description.
One suggestion is to break up the dialogue in the third paragraph.
I'd continue reading
Interesting premise and good characterizations. Voice feels good for an MG novel, too. I’d read on!
ReplyDeleteI love the concept. And also, the voice is great, I think it definitely fits the genre.
ReplyDeleteYour last line is definitely intriguing. I would love to know what comes next.
Nice work!
Wow! This has changed since I last it. Great work! You've been working hard.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I liked the voice and the humour coming through. I laughed at the line about Chloe...Cute.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph is really strong and summarises the action neatly. I want to know more about these bizarre events.
I think this is darling. I had to read some of your sentences twice to get the right idea - but other than that, I'm looking forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, the idea of art coming to life isn't new. I hope you can find a twist that's fresh!
The story is darling. I can picture some little one listening intently, while Mom or Dad read this story. My Grandson would love it, he's the artist.
ReplyDeleteSuch vivid, lovely writing-- when I came to the last line I was disappointed. A bit too cliche for the originality of the rest. Work hard on that last line, it needs something to match the cleverness of the rest.
ReplyDeleteThe only suggestion I would make is that maybe Aunt Sharon would be a little more hesitant in how she worded things, like we do when we're trying to talk someone into something they may not be ready to believe.
ReplyDeleteOther than that it's fantastic and I would definitely read on!
I really liked this one.
ReplyDeleteAs I read the first sentence, I started to picture in my head that she had "brought something to life" through her painting. I was happy not to be wrong.
I love the idea of your story, and I thought your writing was good.
I like this story premise. A few suggested edits to tighten things.
ReplyDelete"I’d never seen Blackie before I painted that picture of her."
Delete of her. We already know what the painting is of.
"I just decided in my head what would be the perfect dog."
Delete in my head. That is where we decide things.
"And that’s what I painted"
Delete And. It is extraneous. A lot of sentences start with And. It is a bit distracting and messes with the flow.
"Michaela lay still as a stone"
still as a stone is a cliche.
"t the weird part of that idea"
sounds awkward. Consider rewording.
"“How is that possible?”"
This gets lost at the end of the large paragraph.
"smile was secretive"
what exactly does this mean. It feels like telling rather than showing
I liked it and would continue to read.