TITLE: Theseus the King
GENRE: Mythological Fiction
Theseus encounters Perigune - daughter of Sinis the "Pine Bender."
A dichotomy of desire filled Perigune for she felt an attraction to Theseus but did not understand the emotion. All of her life, she had known only the embrace of trees. The scratch of the branch and the hardness of wood were the only touch she understood. But here in this youth - she felt an ardor of affection that tested her single known purpose.
Perigune was afraid of this youth and the unknown threat that he brought to her world. She wanted to scream at Theseus, to tell him to "run," or perhaps to run away with him. And yet, she was compelled to deceive, to draw him into a greater danger as she had done to so many others before. She lived in lies. Even her display of lust was untrue for she never had been with any man. She was like a flower that sends forth-sweet scent, but alone among living things, has no sense to smell; a syconium that beckons the mating wasp into a fatal trap.
The sound of two bells range out from the hill. Suddenly, Perigune was aware of a greater fear that she well knew. Perigune wrenched away from the grip of Theseus and started running up the hill. "Two bells," she shouted over her shoulder. "I can miss the animal act, but, I must be there for the rest of the show."
You have some very beautiful turns-of-phrase here. My favorite is, "She was like a flower that sends forth-sweet scent, but alone among living things, has no sense to smell."
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm missing a consistent narrative voice compelling me to keep reading. If you read the first two paragraphs together and then the third, you may see what I mean. It seems there are two differing voices, two different "narrators" telling the story. Plus, there's a distance in the Perigune-focused paragraphs that keeps me from truly connecting with her. You've described how she is, but I still don't feel like I know anything about her--which would be helped by voice.
I hope that wasn't too confusing or vague. I don't think the coffee has started working yet. If you have a question, please feel free to e-mail me: samantha[dot]elliott[at]gmail[dot]com.
To be fair to you, the high fantasy voice is almost always a turn off for me. Very few authors can pull it off to my personal satisfaction.
ReplyDeleteBut this passage didn't draw me in until "She lived in lies." From there on, the tone is more crisp and makes me want to know more. The stuff before just feels flowery and uninteresting... even though the idea is interesting, the language kind of keeps me at arms length.
Also, I'd add that the "All her life, she had known only the embrace of trees" feels like you're telling something that you could convey with more subtlety.
And the "scratch of the branch" bit doesn't contrast to "ardor of affection" well. To make it work, I think you'll need to continue on with the tactile comparison... the hardness of the wood as compared to the softness of the youth works better.
If you want to read some high fantasy narrative that doesn't have the distant feel, I'd suggest Patricia McKillip. She's pretty amazing...and I think your story has the potential for that.
It's obvious that you can write smooth and pretty prose. I also loved the line quoted in the above comment. And it's SOOO difficult to drop into your story and comment on such a small snippet, but I felt very distant from Perigune in this. Not sure what you're going for here, but I'd recommend showing us Perigune's (and Theseus) reactions/physical sensations/behaviors rather than simply telling us her emotions. You can draw the reader right into Peregune's experience that way, instead of keeping us more distant observers. There's so much potential here for a great complex, emotional interaction between the two characters- I want to SEE it.
ReplyDeleteThere are beautiful phrases here; I especially liked the line about the sweet-smelling flower that has no sense of smell. However, I found it difficult to get into the scene, I think because these paragraphs are telling rather than showing. I obviously don't know how the rest of this chapter reads, but these paragraphs may work better with interspersed dialogue to really show Perigune's yearning and hesitance. Otherwise, it feels too emotionally detached and preachy, which takes away from your eloquent wording.
ReplyDeleteI had a few problems getting through this. First of all, your use of the word "dichotomy" doesn't fit - her emotions are not described as opposites by comparison, simply as different, another word would fit better there. There are a lot of other examples in here that are less obvious, but equally as confusing.
ReplyDeleteHer "display of lust was untrue for she never had been with any man", bothers me - her virginity is irrelevant here, you don't need a vehicle to explain her emotions, you've already stated that she lives a world of lies.
If you go back over this and edit out what you've already explained, and choose your words more carefully, it would be easier to follow.
As to ending a chapter, this works for me because you have given the reader an idea of what's next.
Again, I love mythology! :-)
ReplyDeleteYour sentences are almost like poetry, but be careful not to over-write, if you know what I mean (go over on description). "Dichotomy" seems like a weird word to use here. I think someone already mentioned, watch the line between "showing" and "telling." I want to be shown what is going on. This is obviously an emotionally powerful scene for Perigune. I have no idea what your last sentence means, but that could be because I was thrown into this scene without much explanation, or I'm just dense.
Good luck on this, because I love your title, I love this idea, and I want to see more of it.
The first two paragraphs felt distant but I enjoyed the idea and images in them. The third was jarring compared to what came before -a different voice and feel.
ReplyDeleteIt ends on something happening so I'd turn the page so see if she gets to the show.
Samantha Elliot hit the nail on the head with the narrator issue. I was sold on the first two paragraphs, but the transition to the third was a bit jarring.
ReplyDeleteIn that same vein, I wouldn't quote "run" as you do in the second. I assume you're trying to evoke more emotion, but it breaks up the rhythm of the text. And, really, with that kind of text your reader should already have her saying the words in their heads, even if you don't quote them.
I'm not sure of the grammar rule here, but a scratching branch and a hardness of wood would seem to imply "touches", not "touch".
This last one is total personal preference, but I find dialogue that starts in the middle of a paragraph to be somewhat visually unbalancing. I would split the last paragraph into two parts, the second starting with the first line of dialogue. But that could just be me.
Oh, and I liked "dichotomy". It was a bit florid, but I think it fit the theme. However, "ardor of affection" might be too soon after starting the paragraph with alliteration.
I agree with a lot of what has been said here. Some of this is beautiful, but some of it is overwritten.
ReplyDeleteFor example: "She was like a flower that sends forth-sweet scent, but alone among living things, has no sense to smell; a syconium that beckons the mating wasp into a fatal trap." This is beautiful, but very heavy. Coupled with the "dichotomy of desire" and "ardor of affection" this excerpt becomes hard to wade through. I think this sort of thing needs to be spread a little thinner, or it loses something.
The first two paragraphs make me feel removed from the main character. I also agree that you should break the dialogue out of the last paragraph.
I assume the ending paragraph is explained elsewhere in the manuscript. If not, this doesn't leave me intrigued as much as it leaves me confused. I would be interested in seeing what a whole chapter looked like before I would say yes or no to if I would keep reading.
I had trouble getting into it, so honestly I started to skim right away, sorry. I probably missed something because of that but nothing really caught my attention or made me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably just me. Good luck,
~Merc
I was thrown off right away by "dichotomy of desire". And this is probably just me, since nobody else seemed to have the issue, but the she is deceiving Theseus and seducing him but then wrenched from his grip at the end as if he had the control and not her.
ReplyDeleteThere are some very beautiful phrases in here, but I don't know enough about the genre to give you more appropriate feedback. Sorry!
Sorry, but can't say I'm hooked. Maybe if you sold this as a literary book, but I'm not seeing the high fantasy voice Heather mentioned. Ditto on the comments that it feels overwritten and that I feel distanced from Periguine because of the voice/narrative issue.
ReplyDeleteThis also feels overwritten to me (although I am guilty of this as well, so take that for what it's worth). I also feel like there's a lot of telling rather than showing, and a few too many "is" verbs. That being said, it's an interesting concept, I love mythology, and I would be interested to see how the romance develops.
ReplyDeleteBeautifu, beautiful writing, but it is our concern for the characters that will keep us readig on. You are sort of telling us that Perigune is heartless, but drawn to Theseus. I think we need to be shown more. Spread this out over two or three pages, intermixing action closely with introspection - or set up us with compelling action, and then set the hook with your lovely intlerlude concerning Perigune's delema.
ReplyDeleteI'm also craving physical descriptions of both of them.
I have read more of your work, and I know this piece is pulled out at the wrong time for this chapter ending critique. So please don't change your voice or the "literary" feel of this work! I think it's brilliant what you are doing with the voice and your subject. It works for the stories you are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that some phrases here might be a bit heavy. I also know that with your work, you may have a very specific and narrowed audience. Take the advice you receive, weigh it, and use what you can to improve. You've got some great ideas in the comments here. You are a great writer. Keep going! I certainly want more. :)