TITLE: Bite Me (Or: The Obvious Title for a Novel About a Vampire and a Werewolf)
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Talbot blamed his mother for the fact he'd spent the majority of the summer impersonating
a nun.
a nun.
Though, he had to admit the financial system in the Osbourne household had something to do with it, too. His father had left the day he'd learned his wife and children were all werewolves. Talbot was twelve and didn't remember much about the man save resemblance he saw in the mirror each morning. The young lycanthrope blamed the bastard every time money ran tight.
His mother taught sign language at a special school for deaf werewolf cubs. The day she'd
found herself the head of a single income family with five children, instead of crying or getting
mad, she focused her attention on making extra money.
found herself the head of a single income family with five children, instead of crying or getting
mad, she focused her attention on making extra money.
First was the attempt at raising rabbits to sell at fancy restaurants. But when the time
came, nobody could bring themselves to kill something as innocent as a fluffy little rabbit. All
they got from the effort were dandelion salads and the occasional neighbor buying a pet bunny.
Talbot, however, took a liking to the garden. By the end of summer, he'd scraped together
enough money to buy a stall at the local farmer's market.
His mother paid him for his work with the vegetables and allowed him to keep the money he
made selling them. However, whenever finances got tight, she wasn't too proud to ask for a
loan, or railroad Talbot for any infraction he may or may not be responsible for.
Hence their current conversation.
Wow! Definitely an intriguing opening line. How does a 12 yr old boy impersonate a nun? And why?
ReplyDeleteBut after my initial interest, the next lines meander a bit and I found them hard to follow. Talbot drops into explaining the issue with his dad and then a failed rabbit selling scheme. The elements have the same sense of zaniness as the opening, but somehow they're not weaving together cohesively for me.
I'd definitely like to know more about the "current conversation".
It is intriguing and a humorous werewolf story would be great, but I don't see a connection between all the different components you brought into the story in the first 250 words. Maybe focus on just one thing and add in the backstory later.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing opening, but the words seem to get a little muddled after that. The sentence that includes his father and his wife for instance make me think Talbot's father and Talbot's wife... which I don't think is correct. I hope the 12 year old isn't married.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice - and the story is interesting. But the backstory - even in Talbot's neat voice - pulled me out of the story. I want to know about the nun impersonation.
ReplyDeleteAnd I kept thinking - wouldn't werewolves eat rabbits (you know, times are tough, hunger sets in...). Then again, I don't read a lot of werewolf stories.
There's a lot of backstory thrown at the reader early on. Some of it is good to know. Dad left because the five children were werewolves. (All of them?) The werewolves aren't monsters, in fact, they're so tender hearted, they won't harm bunnies. They run a vegetable stand.
ReplyDeleteI really love the "special school for deaf werewolf cubs." Awesome. I can't imagine the classes are that large! How would sign language help them in wolf form, I wonder. Maybe they need sniff language too. Or -- come to think of it -- do they also learn wolf body signs?
That said, maybe it would be better to start with one clear scene, related to the nun or not, rather than a list of all Talbot's jobs. Also, is this an adult or a kid we're talking about? That would make a difference to me.
The first sentence drew me in--and then the rest was an info dump of backstory. I would consider spreading out the backstory throughout the first few pages. Embed it between some action.
ReplyDeleteI love the opening line, but by the time I got to the last line, I was thinking, "You should have started with the current conversation."
ReplyDeleteCut out the backstory and sprinkle it throughout, and this would be much better.
Keep writing. Good Luck!
Yeah, I'd start with the intrigueing opening line and SHOW us the scene. Then feed us a little backstory a piece at a time. You've got an interesting story. I want to see how you get away with a bunch of werewolves being vegetarians. But the information is too distracting here.
ReplyDeleteNo.... I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt seems a little rambly to me. Maybe start with an event or action, or even dialogue.
I think your opening line is very strong!
ReplyDeleteI agree with what the last poster said about seeming a little rambly. There's an awful lot of backstory all at once; it feels too info-dumpy.
Great premise, though. Perhaps just a different, more "in the here and now" beginning?
You start out with a really original opening, and the first bit of backstory is the easy to swallow. But then you keep is stuck in the backstory, and my attention faltered.
ReplyDeleteA pity, because this seems like a great premise.
Love the first line (and love vampires), but then what everyone else is saying. We need more story, less backstory.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree with everyone else. I thought the opening line was interesting, but then. You lost me.
ReplyDeleteFocus. We don't need to know about the bunnies right now. And why would werewolves have qualms about killing bunnies anyway? And why am I confused about jobs and infractions and money running tight?
This promises to be a humorous story, considering the opening line. Keep going with that. And good luck!
I'd continue to read JUST because of the first line!!
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm the odd one out because I liked all of it, even the rabbits.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and I would read on. I really loved the opening. Great.
I liked the idea of your opening line, but I agree with the others who feel it veered off from there. Not that the veering off part isn't interesting -- it's just a matter of deciding what point you really want to get across first.
ReplyDeleteWhat interests me is how Talbot's father managed to marry a woman and have five children with her (I assume they're all his) before realizing they're all werewolves. Maybe there's an opening sentence in that?
Love the title.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening.
Then it's mostly backstory. I'd jump a little to where the story actually begins. Show us money's tight.
but that said. Yes. i'd continue to read.
The premise could be a good one, but right now it rambles way too much for me to want to sift through everything.
ReplyDeleteI agree with one of the other comments also re: werewolves eating bunnies. Seems to me they'd be raising them for personal food, not to sell.
Is your nod to Larry Talbot in the 1941 Lon Chaney, Jr. flick, The Wolf Man, intentional? As a UF, and not a YA, you would have other readers who would put the two together.
Just saying...
Tighten it up, get rid of the backstory to start and I'd probably read on. But as it stands, no, sorry.
First line hooked me and then I became lost in the backstory. I'd still read more.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments, but I'd still read on. You had me at the title.
ReplyDeleteThe first line was great, but without the rest of the chapter to back it up, it seemed gimmicky. This would warrant a longer read before I could decide.
Author here. Thanks, guys! This was an experimental opening that I was considering changing anyway. So now I know!!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd gold stars to nightsmusic, the first one to catch the intention nod to the great horror flicks of the 40's with Talbot's name! I'm so glad someone caught it!!!! :D
Only because that's one of my favorite B&W horror films! :)
ReplyDeleteEven a man who is pure in heart
And says his prayers by night
Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
And the autumn moon is bright
:D
Now, tell me you're going to tighten all that up because, like I said, the premise is good!!
nightmusic-
ReplyDeleteI PROMISE!!!!
The story's about three college friends who have to do summer school because they flunked the last semester, forming a friendship with a vegetarian vampire, crushing on a banshee with laryngitis, a stalker who's seen one too many episodes of Buffy, a strip club murder, and a shapeshifter who prefers ferret form because "ferrets make everything better."
:D
I kinda love my characters.
Thanks again everyone!!!!!!
Great opening line. I'd like to know more about that.
ReplyDeleteLike the others, I love the opening line but then it goes into too much backstory for me. Have stuff happen and bring in the backstory as you go.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sorry! This opening is all telling instead of the writer putting the work into real world building.
ReplyDeleteThe opening line seems like a deliberate way to grab attention without it being something truly relevant to the story. I could be wrong there as I haven't read on but that's how it feels to me. The nun part doesn't seem organic.