GENRE: Paranormal
After being thoroughly creeped out by ghost stories, Geisha hears thumps from her closet. Convincing herself it is just a mouse, a very large mouse, she investigates and discovers a golden retriever. Or a ghostly impersonation of one.
I caught my breath in surprise when the dog’s nose went right through my hand. I’m serious. Right through. Like a hologram. Or, you know… a ghost.
Sitting back on my heels, I surveyed the critter. He came out of my closet, sniffing the floor on the way out, investigating my room like an ordinary dog would.
There has to be a reasonable explanation. A strange person decided that they’d go the extra mile to make sure that their beloved pet – though not beloved enough to take care of personally – ended up in a good place. Not saying my closet was a good place, but they made the wild assumption that I was the type of person to adopt anything that came out of my closet. They obviously, didn’t see the flyswatter I kept somewhere in my room for all the moths that came out of those closets sometimes.
It was a boy – you know, I checked. Now that it was out of the closet and in the clear light of the room, there was something different about it. Fuzzy around the edges, I mean. It was a little bit like those holograms you see sometimes on Star Trek.
The dog turned around to face me and sat down with a light thud. I raised a hand to my throat, trying to keep my heart from beating clean out of my chest. He wasn’t real – and that was the problem. I was hallucinating.
My GOD what was WRONG with me!
First off, thank you for submitting. Now to the fun part.
ReplyDeleteFirst, your MC Giesha, definition of a Geisha is a traditional Japanese female entertainer, which reading history also involved prostitution and other wrong doings. I would consider changing the name, as most I am sure, I couldn't quit picturing a Geisha in my head while trying to read.
The first paragraph is very long, maybe rewrite to bring in two different aspects of the set up of the ghost or dog.
I like that you wrote in "her" language or tone so I hope that was intentional.
The title and genre had me leaning toward a thrilling moment to come, I didn't get that yet. So being the end of a Chapter, maybe tweak that to lead to the next.
Besides that, I did like it and would be interested in reading more.
I like the idea of a "ghost dog" and this has a lot of possibility.
ReplyDeleteThe writing here needs cleaning and tightening, so keep working. Your narrator's voice peeps through -- and it's a good voice. But it's obscured by some clunky sentences.
Example:
"I caught my breath in surprise" is redundant. All you need is "I caught my breath" because it implies the surprise.
"It was a boy -- you know, I checked." This one's an example of your narrator's voice peeping through, but the writing needs to be tighter.
Maybe this:
"It was a boy. I checked."
Keep working, keep pruning. I think you have a great premise here!
I loved the idea of a ghost dog. I was a bit confused when I got to the sentence. 'It was a boy' I thought, 'What boy?' then I realized you meant the dog. It could be just me, I'm a little scatty sometimes. Maybe you could write, 'It was a male' then it would be clear to even the scatty people like me.
ReplyDeleteI agree also about the first chapter being long. Maybe start an new chapter at 'A strange person'
I would read on to find out what happens next. This is a story that I would read.
Thanks guys - good tips.<:
ReplyDeleteI named her 'Geisha' because of the history. Er... She had wacky parents.
The first paragraph is supposed to be three seperate paragraphs. Formatting problems I think. Sorry about that.
Hi Number 6,
ReplyDeleteHere are my comments about The Unwilling:
The title is intriguiging and the story idea about a ghost dog is interesting.
I also like the name Giesha for the main character. Makes me want to learn more about her--like how she got the name.
What you've written is very good, but I think it could be tightened.
I agree with the comment about deleting "in surprise" in the first sentence. In the second paragraph I would also delete the words "on the way out" and "would."
In the third paragraph, I think "has" should be "had."
I think the ending would be stronger if the last sentence were omitted. Ending with "I was hallucinating" sounds punchier to me.
And I definitely would want to read more of your story.
I found this one interesting and I think I'd have read on. The basic event is disconcerting, and then I really liked the voice in the 'There has to be a reasonable explanation..." paragraph.
ReplyDeleteNitpick: you call the dog 'he' in the second paragraph, then in the fourth para you say 'it'
was a boy, and you call the dog 'it' for the rest of that paragraph, then 'he' again in para 5.
And I'd cut the CAPS in the last line--they feel overblown.
I like the voice here. And I would read on. I agree with Bryan about the name (unless it somehow ties to a larger theme in the book).
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I would be careful about is tense-switching. The 3rd paragraph, "There has to be...", fits very awkwardly into this excerpt, and more than that, the rest of the piece is in past tense and that first sentence is in present tense.
Also, I don't get why she's freaking out in the last line. You establish (through her voice) in the first paragraph that she thinks it's a ghost dog. I was a bit taken aback that by the end she was freaking out that it was a hallucination. There didn't seem to be a logical connection between the two. Maybe include more in the beginning to demonstrate that she thinks she's losing it. "No way"s and "Not possible"s and "Ghosts aren't real"s.
Hope that's helpful!
Good luck!
I really liked the voice of the narrator, but you have to make sure the asides don't pull the reader out of the story.
ReplyDeleteThe whole "reasonable explanation" paragraph confused me. I mean, if a dog's nose goes through your hand, you're no longer thinking that it's a real dog that someone put in your closet for you to adopt.
I agree with the first responder about the name Geisha. I think that's one of those things that will bring connotations you don't want.
Oh, and this voice feels very YA. Is that what you intended?
I think the MC's voice is charming, and I love the ghost dog.
ReplyDeleteThe "it was a boy, I checked" part was a little awkward for me, but that might be because I'm not quite sure who "Geisha" is yet. It's only 250 words, after all.
The name Geisha didn't bother me, but it does call for explanation somewhere. And I agree, this feels YA or even younger.
Thanks again for all the great catches everyone. <:
ReplyDeleteGeisha - the character has been living with those connotations all her life. The name meant something to her parents, but they never got a chance to explain before they died.
It is YA. ;]
*** Ok, I better shut-up and get to commenting on other people's work. :p
I love your character's voice. It really shines. Her disbelief of the ghost dog is very clear and felt very real.
ReplyDeleteThere were a few awkward lines, and I think the other commenters addressed them already. "It was a boy" is very awkward. Also, in the last line, don't use caps. Geisha's voice is coming through well enough that you don't need caps to emphasize any words. Tweak the sentence if you want, but caps or bold/italics aren't needed. The words can speak for themselves.
That said, I would keep reading out of curiosity.
Geisha... that's an odd name. I'm assuming there's a reason for it.
ReplyDeleteThe scene is good, I'd read more just based on the voice you write with. It's amusing and light. Good job!
First off, I love, love the voice. It's very distinct. Great job.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I love the scene. I'm intrigued by the ghost-dog that comes out of the closet, and just as interested in the person narrating. The "adopting" rationalization was fun. My favorite next to "it was a boy- you know, I checked." LOL!
The only part I didn't buy was the "thud" when the dog sat down.
Also, the "fuzzy around the edges part" seemed a little redundant. I think describing it as a hologram does enough. Also, this paragraph doesn't jive with the first sentence.
I'm a fan!!!
I love the voice and the set up, so I'd read on for sure, and would like to start from the beginning as well.
ReplyDeleteNice job.
~Merc
Gotta love a ghost dog. Doesn't eat, doesn't poop. My kind of pet!
ReplyDeleteI agree with other comments that you do have a good premise here, but the writing needs to be revisited.
The tone remained constant for the entire thing, and it seemed as though Geisha was curious/ mildly interested in the dog. That, for me, really contrasted the last sentence where Geisha suddenly wigs.
I liked the premise and the execution. The only thing that threw me off was the fact that there's a ghost dog in her room, and she actually takes the time (and has the presence of mind) to search if it's a male or female dog.
ReplyDeleteI saw your note about the name thing, but I kinda have to agree with what Bryan said. Unless her name is a pivotal plot point, I really would consider changing it.