GENRE: Young Adult/Fantasy
The main character, Chris, is being interrogated by the police in connection with the disappearance of his 6 year old sister. (that's as short as I can make that blurb...)
I jumped over the couch to reach her in time. Flames licked out, almost touching Holly and the three men dragging her towards the fire. Smoke poured into the room, stinging my eyes. Still, I fought against the flames, trying to save her.
“Chris!” Holly screamed my name, her fingers grasping mine as I reached for her. For a moment, a second, nothing more, our hands touched. Then, with the finality of a sturdy log finally cracking in the heart of an inferno, she was pulled out of my grasp.
I coughed from the smoke, blindly fighting my way to her. I couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe. She was gone and the pain was immeasurable.
I had her in my hands and let her slip away. The fire was gone, leaving only ashes in the fireplace.
Finally, they let me go; the police released me to my parents after the doctors examined me, desperately searching for signs of smoke inhalation, or burns, or, perhaps, insanity. It went beyond no one believing me. I could only imagine what they thought. There were no fingerprints, no clues, no ransom note and no trace of a fire.
There was only me.
The sister I’d never wanted disappeared one beautiful summer day, dragged into the flames by three men. None over four feet tall, dressed all in green, with long dark hair and eyes the color of deep woods, brown and ancient.
And very pointed ears.
I would read on. I like your writing style and the ending is very intriguing. I especially like your descriptio of their eyes - brown and ancient. Good word choice.
ReplyDeleteI truly enjoyed this. You believe there was a fire, and I pictured them throwing her in an incinerator like the log that crackled. You had very vivid imagery. Then you find that the flames are paranormal and it makes it even more interesting.
ReplyDeleteSomething about this sounded familiar, so I checked out Query Shark. Sure enough- same title. I liked your voice in the query and liked it in this chapter ending.
I had to really think to provide you changes - I couldn't think of anything. Yes, I enjoyed it that much. Great job!
I'm confused. I really enjoyed it, but I had to read it twice. I wasn't sure if he was telling the police this or what (since that's what your blurb implied). Other than that, it was well written and left me wanting to read more. Loved the voice and the description of the men, especially their eye color.
ReplyDeleteAs with the previous comments, as soon as I saw the title I immediately remembered your query from Query Shark.
ReplyDeleteI'm so intrigued I really didn't have any suggestions. Your query and this chapter ending has a voice that really resonates.
Stina,
ReplyDeleteThe entire first chapter is mostly the interrogation, so the rhythm is missing from this ending, I hope that if you had read the whole thing that confusion would go away (if it doesn't, I'm really in trouble :D).
Thanks for the kind words (to everyone!) and yes, Query Shark did go over the query, which I am re-working now (thanks to those great comments). It is WONDERFUL to have opportunities such as this to get constructive and positive and helpful responses to our writing!!
That's what I always loved about Miss Snark's hook contests, though I really didn't have anything ready for those before Miss Snark left the scene.
Thank you so much to Authoress for everything!
Yes, I saw this on Query Shark too, but from your query I imagined this to be lighter in tone. I like this more than I would have thought from that query.
ReplyDeleteThanks for clearing up that these are his thoughts after the actual interrogation. This is very well written and I would definitely turn the page.
Fantastic imagery, and a really great emotional feel. I felt this with the MC, which is a real talent.
ReplyDeleteI also saw your query on QS, and love this waaaay more than I thought I would from your query. I think it's that the Christmas thing is so overdone, we need to know the dark part of your story to balance out the cheesy Christmas vibe.
Great concept. I would totally read more.
Well written. I enjoyed this greatly and I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteCool concept of 'the fire' that left no trace.
Only thing, is he seems a little emotionally disconnected at this juncture, but I that may have been shown earlier in the chapter and now he's just kind of resigned to the horribleness of it all.
It was a little confusing, based on your blurb. So you're showing us the way she disappeared, which was well written. Maybe he's remembering or telling this all to the police? We can't tell. Then suddenly he's done with the interrogation that we didn't see happening. Lost me.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the ending is very intriguing. Good cliffhanger and interesting story idea. Could be a page turner
This is a really exciting story! I love the last sentence "and very pointed ears". It's cute.
ReplyDeleteThere are places where the writing could be stronger.
"For a moment, a second, nothing more, our hands touched."
The description for this moment is too wordy. Powerful word choices to describe the precise instant would help.
"She was gone and the pain was immeasurable."
I'd like for you to describe what the pain felt like. Immeasurable is too vague.
"The sister I never wanted...."
I'd change up this sentence:
"One beautiful summer day, the sister I never wanted disappeared; dragged into the flames by three men."
I like how you mention she was never wanted...adds dimension.
Hope this is helpful! I'd read on.
I, too, was very confused until you explained it in the comments.
ReplyDeleteI like this and would read on - that last line got me! IMO you chose the perfect place to drop it.
I liked this, but I thought you told me a couple of things twice. Like this: "For a moment, a second, nothing more, our hands touched." I was like, whoa. Reread. I think it would flow smoother without the "a second" cuz that's pretty much what "a moment" is.
ReplyDeleteThen this: "She was gone and the pain was immeasurable. I had her in my hands and let her slip away." Now, I'll be the first to admit that I don't know if this is internal thought or what, but you just showed me, said it, and then said it again. Um...I don't need it to be clarified that many times that Holly is gone.
And then: "Finally, they let me go; the police released me to my parents..." Okay, that's what "they let me go" means. I would choose one or the other. I'm not a fan of the repeating what just happened.
Other than that, I enjoyed it. I'd definitely read more to find out where Holly went, who took her, and how Chris is gonna get back the sister he never wanted.
I really liked this, and would definitely read on to the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteI was a little distracted at the beginning, trying to figure out the mechanics of the sister being dragged away. Even before I'd gotten to the bottom, I was assuming the men were small, based on the fact that 3 of them are dragging her away. The arms are one of more handy places to grab when you're trying to drag someone, so with three of them pulling on her, I would think she'd have trouble getting an arm free to reach for her brother.
Are they pulling her by her legs? I'm just having trouble picturing it, and I really want to picture it, cuz it's a great scene.
Good job!
Very interesting, but I too found it confusing and had to read it twice. I think it was just a disconnect with the blurb and the fact that it was the end of the chapter. I immediately thought he was talking to the interrogators...
ReplyDeleteI love that the sister was unwanted and I love how he had her and then lost her, making it worse.
I was also not a fan of the sentence-"For a moment, a second, nothing more..."
Can't wait to read more, he visuals were great!
I've read your query before - on another site. I LOVE the premise of your story.
ReplyDeleteI'd get rid of this: "her fingers grasping mine as I reached for her."
I'd also re-word this "It went beyond no one believing me" to simply "Nobody believed me."
This is my favorite part: "For a moment, a second, nothing more, our hands touched. Then, with the finality of a sturdy log finally cracking in the heart of an inferno, she was pulled out of my grasp.
I coughed from the smoke, blindly fighting my way to her. I couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe. She was gone and the pain was immeasurable.
I had her in my hands and let her slip away. The fire was gone, leaving only ashes in the fireplace." And the fact that there was actually NO FIRE is really cool.
The action is great and the description of the three men is vivid - I'd definitely read on.
I just loved all of this. Nothing distracted me from the read at all. I would definitely read on and I loved the ending.
ReplyDeleteI loved this too. Your writing is great--very descriptive, and left vivid images. I would definately read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
I saw you caught the notice of the Query Shark with this one, congratulations! I like your premise. However the place to end the chapter is where the fire is gone leaving only ashes in the fireplace. The rest of what you've written is telling. I'm concerned that your description of the kidnappers isn't earlier in the chapter. I think you're looking to end with a hook, but it doesn't work the way you've done it.
ReplyDeleteThe last line very definitely SNAGS my attention,mainly because I didn't expect it. <- I glanced at the listed genre after reading through once.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the snippet read like a mainstream YA novel. His sister's appearance makes me wonder... is he and his family of the elfly type? Or was she special.
I'd definitely read on.
Suggestions:
ReplyDeleteFlames licked out and I leaped over the couch. Smoke poured into the room, stinging my eyes.
“Chris!” Holly screamed reaching for me.
For a moment, a second, nothing more, our fingers touched. Then she was gone, drug away by three, four foot men dressed in green.
(the character laments his loss but I expected shock. It may have already been dealt with, the presence of police and doctors suggests this doesn't happen everyday.)
Just as the fire had appeared it vanished. But the smoke lingered. I wiped my eyes uncertain I'd really seen what I thought.
"Holly," I coughed but her absence was proof of the insane.
(at this point the story jumps over the fire firefighters and doctors. I think we need a transition from the fire to the arrival of fire fighters and police.)
Suddenly something grabbed me... it was a firefighter... Then there were police, and doctors and questions:
What did I do to the sister I never wanted?
Reading notes.
My first thought was I'm going to like this and I did. The writing is a little repetitive but I don't mark off for that because I'm ubber guilty of the same thing. This has real potential and I want to know the end. Does that mean I'd read more. You betcha.
I really enjoyed this. The hero's confusion and anguish are palpable. I found the last paragraph particularly powerful
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
ReplyDeleteThere's incredible mystery here; you've done a good job of drawing the reader in!
The last paragraph, however, threw some cold water on it for me. It starts strongly: "The sister I'd never wanted disappeared one beautiful summer day, dragged into the flames by three men." But the next sentence came off almost as a parody of "elfish fantasy." Like a scene from the North Pole gone wrong.
I understand what you are trying to accomplish with the chapter ending! But I think it needs more subtlety in order to truly pull it off. The "dressed all in green" especially stood out. There is something whimsical in your description, and the whimsy doesn't match the tone of the rest of the excerpt.
But oh, yes, I surely do want to know where they took his sister, and how he's going to find her and bring her back. :)
Intriguing! I like the premise – he tried his best to save his sister, but instead of sympathy he gets accusations and everyone thinking he’s crazy. This could go places. I would definitely turn the page and read on!
ReplyDeletePossibly because we’re jumping into the middle of something, there’s some confusion about what’s happening when. I’m guessing that the first two paragraphs are Chris’s memories of Holly’s kidnapping, and that he’s remembering these events while being questioned by the police? It’s probably worth going over this section and whatever precedes it to make sure the time line is clear to the reader.
I’m not sure I buy that the doctors would be searching “desperately” for burns, etc. I’m sure Chris is feeling pretty desperate, but I suspect the doctors have more urgent concerns than a patient who doesn’t, in fact, have anything physically wrong with him.
“Then, with the finality of a sturdy log finally cracking in the heart of an inferno, she was pulled out of my grasp.” – it’s a good metaphor, but it’s much too long to be in the middle of that sentence; it slows the action down just where you want it to be most desperate and frenzied. The rest of the description is so effective and immediate (which is great!) that this really stands out.
I was a bit confused at the start, but the last two paragraphs hooked me for sure and I'd read on to find out more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I guess I'm the odd man out, as I wasn't a fan of this section. There's too much repetition going on (ex: "Chris!” Holly screamed my name), and more Telling than Showing (ex: the police and doctors paragraph). There's an interesting premise here, but I think the writing needs to be tightened up, IMHO.
ReplyDelete