TITLE: Book of the Baba Yaga
GENRE: Middle reader adventure/fantasy
MC Samantha Liffey (12) and her sister Abby (16) go to the Salem Witch Festival where the girls get separated. Sam is drawn into a purple tent where she meets a doll, Will, who comes to life and tells her she needs to meet with a sorceress called the Baba Yaga. Abby joins her in the tent and they manage to escape. They then go home and find that their father is very upset about what transpired and that the doll has followed them home. The doll shows them that their missing mother is with the Baba Yaga and convinces them to sneak away with him to the woods to reunite with their mother and meet the Baba Yaga. He takes them to a clearing, in the middle of which stands a tree trunk.
A low, deep rumble filled the air like as if large army was approaching. The ground shifted beneath Sam’s feet; she clutched Abby's arm to keep from falling. Under the grass, long lines like roots moved, shifted, and stretched from the tree stump. It looked like a cartoon. It couldn't be real. Sam glanced at Abby and saw that her sister’s face looked as white as her hair.
Will jumped back as the tree trunk grew broader and taller. Branches appeared every few feet and extended toward the sky. Leaves crackled as they unfurled from the branches. Higher, higher, and still higher grew the tree until it appeared to be about as tall as a small skyscraper.
Sam squinted as the hazy outline of a cabin appeared among the topmost branches. Slowly, it became more solid until she could no longer see through it. With a popping sound, a chimney appeared and a long line of smoke grew out of it.
Sam’s heart, which had been pounding a heavy rap, seemed to stop completely as she watched Will walk up to the tree. She curbed her breath. Will lifted the pendant, humming yet another strange song. A small, round door with a silvery handle appeared in the tree’s bark.
Will turned to face them.
"Welcome to the house of the Baba Yaga," he said. "Now come on inside and meet your grandmother."
I like the description of the tree as it grew and the leaves unfolded. I'm not certain I would read on, although I might (probably would) because I like the atmosphere and I'm curious about their trip inside the three and how you might describe it. This is kind of an usual concept and I do like it.
ReplyDeleteThe 'like' in the first line could go. Hmm, telling it the tree looked like a cartoon, makes me think it looks animated and I'm not sure that's what is meant since the rest of the description sounds like a real tree just growing a very rapid rate.
ReplyDeleteThe chapter ends on a compelling note, so I'd probably read on to see what happens next.
I don't think you want the "cartoon" image in there. I would cut that part, because the description is really great and the cartoon image kind of kills it for me.
ReplyDeleteAlso the "It couldn't be real" line is a little cliche in children's fantasy.
A couple of the word choices were off to me:
"Pounding a heavy rap" was hard for me to connect to.
and
"She curbed her breath." I don't know what that means at all.
You have an interesting situation here, and I would probably read on.
ReplyDeleteI don’t like all of your descriptions. You use the word “like”, which is too conversational, and you compare a thunderstorm to an army. I feel that, in order to be a valid comparison, your point-of-view character should have some experience with an army, and I don’t think she would. I do like the observation that she thinks the moving roots are like a cartoon. This does resonate with a young character. Just try to say it without using the word “like”.
For the above reasons, I was wavering a little until you got to the description of the tree moving, and that I loved. I know who Baba Yaga is, and that’s the house she lives in (I assume the chicken feet will make themselves known in time) and I want to go in.
I remember liking your first page, so I had to read this, too.
ReplyDeleteThe tree becoming a house of an entity is sort of Peter Panish or The Alchemyst, but I still had to read on since the action kept me interested.
I agree with the folks above: like a cartoon, it couldn't be real, pounding heavy rap, seemed to stop completely,appeared/repetitive, curbed her breath.
The pendant hummming a strange song and the silvery handle, great. I'm eager to meet Baba Yaga. I'd turn the page.
(Warning: This isn't a genre I would normally read, so my comments should be weighed accordingly.)
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good way to end a chapter. There is an element of suspense, and promise of something yet to come. You did a really good job with this.
The writing is nice and descriptive, except for certain areas where you use the word, "like". Instead of "Long lines like roots", try to describe what you wish to convey as though there was no such word as "like". Same with "like a cartoon".
And "Slowly, it became", is an example where you have a chance to be descriptive and you aren't.
And "Higher, higher, and still higher grew the tree" bothers me. It's prosaic, but I'd rather see something like, "The tree grew higher still".
I'm assuming that you know the story behind the legend of the witch, Baba Yaga, I found it intriguing that you have her in a tree now rather than the magic hut from the original tale.
I agree with the comments left so far. Sam doesn't need to comment on what's happening like when she said it seemed like a cartoon and could it be real. Just show her body reaction first, then thoughts and then a decision if it's to that point yet.
ReplyDeleteI agree that some of the phrases like pounding a heavy rap and curbing the breath are a little overwritten. The scene itself is fun, tense and has good description. Just make sure you are not trying too hard when it comes to Sam's reactions.
I really enjoyed the description of the tree growing. A lot of good sounds and visual images. I loved the snap of the chimney as it popped up. Keep it up!
I'm a fan of this entry. Though I've entered with little backstory, I understand the imagery and like the element of suspense.
ReplyDeleteThe phrase "pounding a heavy rap" is troublesome because it sounds too mild. Stronger word choices would add tension to the scene.
"Curbed her breath" is also hard for me to digest. Perhaps rethink?
This sounds like a book that MG readers would love (as a 4th grade teacher I've read a lot of MG!). Nice work!
I'm sorry, but you already lost me at the first sentence: "A low, deep rumble filled the air like as if large army was approaching." Hmm ... you like to use the word "like" don't you? "Under the grass, long lines like roots moved" - sounds awkward to me.
ReplyDeleteAbby has white hair? That's different.
Loved this: "Sam squinted as the hazy outline of a cabin appeared among the topmost branches. Slowly, it became more solid until she could no longer see through it. With a popping sound, a chimney appeared and a long line of smoke grew out of it."
I think this is great because it's creepy. You hooked me at the end.
The story sounds very intriguing to me and I agree with most of the previous comments. The only thing I want to add is the part where you describe how the tree goes higher and higher. I recommend removing "it appeared" and "about". Try not to be vague in your descriptions, be specific and this will help your readers to visualize the scene. It also helps the flow so that the pace is not slowed down.
ReplyDeleteAs an avid reader of middle grade also, I agree with anonymous that a lot of middle graders would love this story.
This was very good for me to read because I have a tendency to make some of the same mistakes that earlier people pointed out ;o) I have to say that the wordiness made it hard for me to appreciate what you were creating. Rereading it again after reading through the comments made me like it sooooo much more. I also think the page turn is great and I wanted to know more.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, but if you're pitching it as MG, think about lowering the girl's ages. Perhaps 11 and 13? It would up the stakes, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there are a lot of like, looked, appeared, as if...
You can probably cut most of them and hit those descriptions harder.
So. If their grandmother is the Baba Yaga, then I'm interested. :P It was only the very last sentence that made me curious, so I might read on a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
You have an interesting situation here, and I would probably read on.
ReplyDeleteI don’t like all of your descriptions. You use the word “like”, which is too conversational, and you compare a thunderstorm to an army. I feel that, in order to be a valid comparison, your point-of-view character should have some experience with an army, and I don’t think she would. I do like the observation that she thinks the moving roots are like a cartoon. This does resonate with a young character. Just try to say it without using the word “like”.
For the above reasons, I was wavering a little until you got to the description of the tree moving, and that I loved. I know who Baba Yaga is, and that’s the house she lives in (I assume the chicken feet will make themselves known in time) and I want to go in.
I thought the ending was good. Quite a twist to find out the sorceress is their grandmother. I am afraid I don't know much about Middle Reader books, but I thought your word choices would be appropriate for the age group I am thinking of.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above about cartoon and couldn't be real. I liked the higher, higher, and still higher...I thought it had a fun ring, but some readers find that it throws them off when there is repetition like that.
Great work, I would read on.
The writing is good, but I think it could be tightened more. Some of the descriptions feel overdone and the long sentences take away from the tension and pacing, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteBy all means get rid of the many 'likes' and just show us the picture. If this is the end of you first chapter, in my opinion wayyyy too much information has been dumped at once. Also, lighten up te description. We want to imagine for ourselves, not be told exactly what we have to see. Focus more on creating mood and tension...
ReplyDeleteLike "Sam squinted as the hazy outline of a cabin appeared among the topmost branches. Slowly, it became more solid until she could no longer see through it. With a popping sound, a chimney appeared and a long line of smoke grew out of it." Wayyyy too much.... we don't care that much about the cabin... all we need is something like "Sam squinted as what looked like a small cabin slowly became visible through the branches."
and move on...
I loved the description of the tree growing toward the ski and branches appearing. It reminded me of Jack and the bean stalk. I loved how the chimney appeared with a popping sound. I think kids will love this. With a little editing of the things already pointed out, this will be a fantastic read and I loved the ending. I’d definitely turn the page.
ReplyDeleteThis is kind of a difficult piece to drop in on. The writing is good, but I was lost throughout the story.
ReplyDelete