GENRE: CATEGORY ROMANCE
Natalie Collins tucked a strand of brown hair behind her ear as she shuffled down the hall. How on earth did she manage to get a job at Pandora Productions? Tall, swanky women and beyond-gorgeous men strode down the hall as if on a catwalk. It was hard not to gawk. They made her feel even dowdier in her conservative black pantsuit.
The corner of a binder bit into her side. She shifted the two overstuffed binders trying to balance them. Her glasses slipped down to the tip of her nose again. Of all the rotten luck, to have one of her contacts rip the day before the replacements arrived. Leaning her shoulders back, she tipped her head and tried to wiggle them back in place. She shifted the binders again to keep them from falling and ran into a wall.
She stumbled. Her glasses slid to the floor, but she kept hold of the binders. Stupid glasses, she should have gotten new ones, but she could barely afford to buy contacts until her insurance kicked in. After steadying the binders, she glared at the wall. Only the blob in front of her definitely wasn’t a wall. Oh, no, she’d run into someone, probably disrupting their strutting.
A hand gripped her elbow. “Are you all right?” The deep voice purred down her spine, leaving little tingles in its wake. “Let me take those.”
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I would read more. It is when Nat realizes she hasn't bumped into a wall that my interest is piqued. My suggestions for improvement...
ReplyDeleteYou almost tell too much. In paragraph three, delete "she stumbled." We already know she walked into a *wink, wink* wall. And you don't need to tell us that Nat feels dowdy. You do a beautiful job showing us without stating the fact.
One more thing, In paragraph three you tell us that the wall was not, in fact, a wall. When she discovers what she did run into, give it more pop, more impact. It deserves its own paragraph (IMO).
Keep up the good work!
The voice is wonderfully light and humorous here. A lot of classic elements anyone can identify with - average looking girl in glasses runs into hunk. Definitely a character you can cheer for.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it would be great if she immediately indicates she knows it wasn't a wall but one of the strutters she was staring at. That way she doesn't seem too clueless.
I want to keep reading to see what happens when she "sees" Mr. Gorgeous.
This is cute, but I agree with Wiggy -- you tell too much. When she bumps into the wall, we want to know what happens to her/if anyone saw, not that she stumbled and wishes she should've gotten new glasses.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I was slow, I thought she ran into a *real* wall until she started glaring at it. :) I'm feeling sympathetic for her but still curious to know if there's any other tension between her and the hero besides the fact she feels less than glamourous. I assume there is. :)
ReplyDeleteI love the way this is written. Love the character and the humour. I'm wondering about who she bummped into. Is it her boss? I would deffinitly read on
ReplyDeleteI know this is going to sound nit-picky, but I wear glasses. Have all of my life. When my hands are full, I wrinkle my noise five different ways from Sunday to get them to move back up, but I tried just now putting my shoulders back and tipping my head without scrunching my nose and they remained perkily on the end of my nose. So that didn't work for me at all.
ReplyDeleteThat, the use of the word 'binder' five times in 250 words, along with the too-much telling threw me. I'm not sure I'd keep reading. I'd need to see a bit more.
Good luck!
I don't read category romance. YA and historical romances are more my thing. But you have my attention with this one. It's well written and you've got to the male love interest quickly. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI like this, but I think you could get her awkwardness cut down to one paragraph. The fact that it takes three is way too much IMO.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "the deep voice purred down her spine, leaving little tingles in its wake" seems over the top to me. It sounds like he's breathing down the back of her neck when he's standing in front of her. Try showing what she DOES more than how her body feels. (Although this is a romance, so what do I know! *grin*)
I like the set up - the potential for humorous encounters with gorgeous models. And running into the *wall* - very good. I also liked your voice.
ReplyDeleteI had a problem with the binders (too many times with the binders) and the reaction to the wall. After she stumbles, her glasses falling off her face, and the juggling of the binders, she needs to react to that *wall*. "Oh, crap. That was not a wall!"
Good luck.
This definitely feels like a category romance, so you've nailed your target market. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that there's a bit too much business before we get to the "wall". Modern glasses are lightweight marvels, not the heavy plastic things of the 80's, and it's incredibly hard for them to fall off a person's face and onto the floor. Throw in the stumbling and the awkwardness (seriously, she's carrying two binders, not ten) and Natalie is in danger of becoming a lovable klutz cliche. By eliminating about half the sentence in the middle two paragraphs I think you'd make Natalie a more rounded character and get to the hot wall sooner. Win-win.
I haven't read a category romance for about a decade, but this is the kind of light and enjoyable romp I would've liked when I did.
Cheers.
This is a fun intro for a romance. I tend to agree with some of the other comments as to the binders and other bits of business, but it does serve to show how preoccupied she is prior to impact.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue is with her running into "the wall". I would think Nat could tell the difference between running into a wall and a human, no matter how ripped he might be. And when there's an impact, one would tend to bounce away from the immovable object, so I would think she would fall on her rear, unless he reaches out to grab her. Which could be interesting. I would keep turning pages.
I thought the writing was very smooth but the plain-girl-meets-hunk premise has been done so many times that I'd want to see some fresh angle to make me read further.
ReplyDeleteGood job with the opening, sounds like the ugly duckling romance character. I'd read on to see how she emerges.
ReplyDeleteKinda had a Devil Wears Prada meets Ugly Betty feel to me; i.e., not too unique. Also, Natalie just getting a new job isn’t a huge plot driver, IMHO. I think some tension, leading up to her meeting the man at the end, would draw your readers into this world a bit more.
ReplyDeleteYeah... this does have a Ugly Betty plotness about it.
ReplyDeleteI was also thinking that when my reading glasses slide down my nose while I have my hands full, I just use my arm to shove them back up, without compromizing whatever I have in my hands.
That said, I'm a sucker for plots with plain janes landing in the midst of beautiful people and getting the gorgeous guy. So yes, I'd read on. ~o~
This was a hard one for me as category romance isn't my thing. But I liked the whole trying to balance the binders with pushing the glasses up.
ReplyDeleteBe careful with wording. A deep voice can't purr down a spine. His voice can purr down at her and then that can shoot tingles down her spine.
See the difference?
I love the voice and would read on, but using binder so many times pulled me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteAnd the first thing I thought when this started was Ugly Betty, though I've never once seen the show. And that may be why I thought it, I don't know.
But with a little tightening, I'd read on. Like I said, great voice!
It's not my taste, but I think you've nailed the voice. For critiques: I also wear glasses and am pretty nearsighted, but I would know that what I ran into is a person and not a wall. I'm also agreed that it would be very difficult for them to actually fall off.
ReplyDelete