Wednesday, January 13, 2010

38 Secret Agent

TITLE: Demonic Attractions
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy



The car was totaled and it wasn’t my fault.

But who’s going to believe a teenager? And “the demon did it” excuse, while more creative than “the dog ate my homework,” was still as unbelievable...and much more likely to get me sent to the psych ward. So when the fang-filled flying hellion barely missed me and dropped like a wrecking ball on the SUV, exploding shattered bits of glass and various vehicle parts in my direction, I ditched the scene pronto. Unfortunately, I was followed.

My ragged breaths echoed like a chainsaw. I skidded behind an oak and slammed my back against bark that bit through my t-shirt soaked with sweat and fear.

A laugh churned through the air with malicious glee. Talons clicked a slow rhythm on pavement. The pounding of my already frantic pulse skyrocketed.

“Hide and seek. My favorite. How thoughtful of you to commence a game.” The smooth voice, tinged with a touch of crazy, twisted a lazy finger of fear around my heart. “Ironic, is it not,” he purred, “that the great Divinicus Nex cowers in fear from that which should be her fated prey. A decidedly diametric circumstance.”

What? Irritating when the monster hunting you has a better vocabulary than your own. Maybe he could do my eulogy? I didn't understand the hostility either. I’d seen demons before. Small, weak suckers who ignored me or ran the other way, but this guy...well, he was a different breed. A psycho on steroids and he wanted me dead. His chances looked good.

14 comments:

Sarah Laurenson said...

Very nice. Well done. Hooked me good.

A bit of tightening might help. I'd lose the first question. Yeah, that tells us the age of the MC, but you can work that in elsewhere. I might also lose the "What?". This is soemthing I tend to do in my writing - put in unneeded questions. Probably because it's how my thoughts really run.

Best of luck!

Secret Agent said...

Oohh, intriguing! Great opener, great voice, nice title. Some of the descriptions felt a bit overdone--trim and tighten; long sentences and flowery prose slows down the tension. But overall, nice job and I would read more!

Lianne said...

This has great voice! It can be hard to keep things short when your narrator speaks with so much character, but if you streamlined this, it'll be even better.

Solvang Sherrie said...

I like this opening. It really pulled me in. There are extra words that could be ditched to tighten it up, but the premise and the voice are great!

Sheila said...

I agree with the other posters, it's a great scene, but overwritten. The alliterative descriptions pulled me right out - "fang-filled flying hellion," "various vehicle parts" "back against bark that bit."

But other descriptions I liked - "dropped like a wrecking ball," "tinged with a touch of crazy." I love the character's voice, it adds humor to this scene.

Good luck!

turn too said...

Hooked.
I don't usually read YA, but the title got me, then the action, then the mc, then...
If someone interrupted me while reading this book I'd be really tweaked.

Awesome work!

Stina said...

The only reason I wouldn't read on is because this isn't my thing. The voice is great, though. And I really liked your descriptions.

Good luck!

Ant said...

Oooh, I like this! I like the MC's voice and I'm ready to know what happens next. I'm not quite sure what the car being totaled has to do with anything, but I'm guessing it comes up in the next page or two. Nice job!

Lauren said...

Bwaha! I would read on just for the monster with the great vocabulary! I don't read very much urban fantasy, but you've got me hooked with this.

mark said...

I liked it. All of it.

LoriStrongin said...

LOVE the opening line and paragraph and great character voice! I do think it gets a bit wordy though, starting with the demon mocking the MC. Maybe trim to focus more on the action between these two, and weave in the narrative lines in between events (i.e., running, demonic fire attacks, etc).

But yes, I'd definitely keep reading!

Larissa said...

I would read more, too. Really great voice.

Krista G. said...

Hooked, although I do feel as if we've been dropped into the scene a little abruptly. I don't have a sense yet of who Divinicus Nex is (great name, by the way) or why demons are chasing her, but I'd read on to find out. Hopefully the next few pages (and not the next few chapters) sort all that out.

Heather Kelly said...

I really liked the voice here--and I'm definitely hooked!