Wednesday, March 25, 2009

#7 1000 Words

TITLE: SEEING CLEARLY
GENRE: Women's Fiction


I scanned the piles and piles of graduation presents covering my imported silk comforter. They were fabulously wrapped in thick paper—big golden boxes with giant bows, tiny bags stuffed full of sparkling tissue, Indian print blankets held together with thin string, every type of covering imaginable. I peered at the tags from all around the world: Middle Eastern diplomats, debutants, royalty, you name it.

I should probably get this over with. Pulling my hair up in a sloppy ponytail, I walked over next to the bed and sat on the floor. I picked an oversized vellum card at random and ripped it open.

Hmm, this one’s super fancy, and addressed to Ms. Amy See. That’s not it. I tossed a bag aside and pulled the boxes out one after another, searching. But for what?

When, I came across a small brown envelope with scribbled handwriting, my pulse quickened. I ran my fingers over the dark script on the front and took a deep breath. Glancing at the return address, I saw his name. My heart did a somersault and my face warmed.

I thought back to high school—skipping first period to make out in the bed of his old baby blue pickup down by the football field. Man oh man could he kiss. I bit my upper lip just thinking about it. “Adam Makin,” I sighed his name out loud, remembering just how much I had loved that nerdy boy.

I could feel his caramel curls tickling my nose as I lay next to him on those humid August afternoons. He bought old shirts from the local thrift store that clung to his body in all the right places. Adam didn’t look like a football player or anything, but he had a faint six pack and a butt firm enough to hold up those baggy jeans he always wore.

I often got lost in the sparkle of his emerald green eyes behind his trendy glasses. We spent most of our time in the back of his old Ford, staring up at the sky. Each of us with an earbud stuck in one ear, listening to the latest and greatest indie funk band. Naïve, I’d imagined us together forever.

But then high school ended and so did we. He headed up the East Coast to live the punk rocker lifestyle, and I stayed in the land of big hair and even bigger purses.

I pretended my parents had made me stay in Texas for college, but truthfully it was more for myself. Why anyone would ever want to leave the Lone Star State was beyond me.

We kept in touch at first. Email and text messages made that pretty easy, but they sort of died out after a while. I was busy with parties and friends, and he had his causes and whatever else he did up there. I really didn’t even know.

I stretched against the edge of my bed and turned over the letter. Slowly, I tore off the back, taking extra care to keep from ripping his handwriting on the front of the envelope. Why did this note matter so much to me? It didn’t mean anything. My relationship with Adam ended years ago. Ugh, just open it Amy.

“I see you found your presents?” My mom walked into the room, carrying a peanut butter sandwich, and sat on the bed. I slipped the card in my pocket to open later in private, and took the plate.

“I guess you were right about all those graduation announcements.” I nudged her leg with a shoulder and took a big bite of food.

“I’m always right, Ames, and please don’t talk with your mouth full.” She smiled and combed her fingers through my hair.

Looking up at her, I rolled my eyes. “Sorry.” I took a big swig of milk. “There, better?” I opened and stuck out my tongue.

She waved her hand motioning for me to shut my mouth. “Babe, you aren’t seven. You’re about to graduate from college. Stop being so tacky.”

I kind of wished I was still a kid. Growing up here was pretty much the pinnacle of coolness.

Her fingers twirled the loose end of my ponytail. “Have you thought any more about that party?”

“Just about how I’m so glad I talked you out of it.” I laughed.

“There’s still time to make it happen, ya know. I could make a few calls. It’s a little late to reserve a space, but we could always have it here, and then there’s the catering—”

There she went again, not listening to a word I’d said, making her own plans. “Mom. I said no party. Please don’t.” I turned to show her my you-better-not face.

She straightened up and frowned. I could see the lines in her face trying to break through the Botox. “Ames, I won’t throw a party for you if that’s really what you want.”

“Promise?” I smiled, pleading one last time.

“I promise.” She sounded sincere as she stuck out her bottom lip in a little pout.

“Oh good. Thanks Mom.” When I remembered to look past the ridiculously large jewelry and fancy shoes, I really loved her.

Mom glanced out the window. “Derek brought a new girl home with him this weekend. They’re out by the lake now.”

Nodding, I rolled my eyes. “I saw his truck in the driveway.” Why did my brother need a monster truck with giant wheels on it, anyway? “Did you meet her? I wonder which Delta Tri I-need-to-find-a husband sorority she belongs to.” I smirked.

Mom shook her head. “This one’s different.”

“Sure she is.” That was all I could say, really. Most of the time Derek couldn’t resist a tight pair of jeans and a low cut shirt, she was probably just another version of the same.

“Well…” She scratched the side of her mouth and ran her finger under her eye to check her mascara. “I think maybe I like her so far. As long as I don’t catch her sticking the good silver in her bag the way that last one—”

I interrupted her before she got started. Man, she really hated that girl. “Yeah, I have no defense for him there. Glad he didn’t decide to go all happily-ever-after with the klepto for sure. Remember that girl with the fake blonde wig ponytail thing?” Mimicking the bimbo I flipped my pony tail up and stuck it out to the side.

19 comments:

  1. Not my genre at all so I am definitely not your target audience...but I'm dying to know what's in that letter from Adam.

    What a great character introduction.

    I wasn't feeling the first paragraph, just seemed a little rushed and the last line read, to me at least, poorly and didn't fit in with the rest of the 1000 words. I really felt the 'innocence' of the flashback to high school.

    Would definitely turn the page.


    So...what was in the letter???

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nice voice.

    Personal opinion here - open with the 4th paragraph. This paragraph caught my attention more so than the first three.

    I like the feeling you present of a young women (probably 21) struggling between the girl she was and the woman she will become. I sensed her reluctance to grow up, and yet I could also sense that she was no longer - totally- that young girl any longer. I also liked her - very realistic - arguing with herself about her 'relationship' with Adam. I could definitely tell it wasn't really over with . . . at least not in her mind. Good work.

    S

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just re-read it, starting with the 4th paragraph as Scott suggested. That really helped, I liked it even more this time!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm not hooked, because I didn't read a reason to like your lead character. So far, she sounds a bit entitled/spoiled, and judgmental. If she's super-something, I'd want to know that upfront. That said, I thought "Delta Tri I-need-to-find-a-husband sorority," was funny!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is not my genre, but I liked the voice and I am curious to find out what is in the letter. I would read on.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You seem to have a knack for finding the voice of the main character, as that came through clearly. The writing however, seems a bit slow at first. I agree with others that the first few paragraphs are not as good as they could be. I don't know that I would like the main character, since she seems just as snobby as the mom she seems to be griping about. But maybe that's the intention? All in all (despite the fact that its not my usual genre), its good enough.

    ReplyDelete
  7. The info dump about Adam seemed a bit too much at once. Maybe spread it out in chunks? Then the conversation with her mom lost me, especially the discussion about the brother's ex-girfriends. It totally broke the tension about the letter.

    But having said that, I do want to know what's in the letter!
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I agree with Scott. Start a graph four. I WANT TO READ MORE!
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. First of all, my name is Amy Sue, so when I read 'Amy See' my heart jumped. So funny!

    I read and write women's fiction, as well as personal essays geared toward women. My main suggestion is to eliminate the set up or make it much shorter. You need a much stronger lead sentence -- and you could have the reader wondering about that letter right away. The fourth graf is the way to start, imo, just rewriting it a bit with more action. And, I'd think she would first look at the return address which is what would make her run her hand over the writing, unless the handwriting is familiar.

    Flashbacks right off the bat don't always work, so you might want to try staying the present and having her open the envelope. I know she's remembering in the present, but it's still backstory. If you eliminate graf 5 and pull it into an active voice(I felt his caramel, instead I could feel; His old shirts clung)

    I liked the voice except if this was a college graduation the voice seemed young to me - not that of a 22 year old educated young woman, more like a teenager.

    I think this has a lot of potential though. Good luck!

    And, I'm curious why she doesn't want a party more than anything else!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I like the voice and I would definitely keep reading.

    The only part that threw me were some of the descriptions of Adam. Is he nerdy in the bookish way? That's where my mind went, until I got to the part about leading the punk rock lifestyle in the East. Then I didn't really know what to make of him.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I liked it, but I am definitely no author. I am however, wondering what the letter said? You go girl! I'm very proud of you, Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  12. I agree with the others that the first few paragraphs don't really begin the story, other than to establish she's wealthy and has connections. The "imported silk comforter" jolted me right in the first line.

    The brown envelope really begins the story, and that's what piqued my curiosity. I want to keep reading, just to find out what he said.

    I like most of the description of Adam, but like another commenter said, you may want to break it up more. If you let it end after the "Naive, I'd imagined us together forever" line, that's a great teaser to make readers keep on going to find out why they broke apart, and what's in the envelope.

    Great voice. I'd keep reading to find out what happens.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Generally liked the writing but kept coming-out-of-story Eg. grad presents from Royalty and diplomats and has finished her degree so I expected a worldlier, wiser woman than I'm hearing here.

    Adam is described as nerdy which I think of as a Bill Gates type but later he's wearing trendy glasses and into indie punk music with a jock's buffed body.

    Genre discrepancy, maybe?
    'Sex in the city' has 30yo+ womens stories and considered chick lit, so I'd expect womens fiction to feature stuff older women relate to eg. widow, divorced, single mums, even facing cancer etc.

    Think there's too much backstory (ie doesn't matter one way or the other right now, brothers love life and detailed recall of high school sex) at the expense of keeping the reader engaged by staying with the teaser/hook ie -mail from Adam tossed into the presents pile for some reason.
    I'd have liked some deep POV here to explain why she was ecpecting it if he's interstate and they lost touch years ago etc. Also why all those years on campus with thousands of boys hasn't resulted in another, more adult, relationship in her life.
    Something to let me know Amy better and relate to her.
    Only needs little tweaks.
    Hope that helps.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The letter is a great hook, but I agree with others that the info-dump backstory is too much.

    Not really my genre either, but I thought you did well with it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Though I like Amy's voice here, there's nothing happening in this section. She graduated from college, got presents, and her brother's out on a date. There's no conflict or tension, and we don't know enough about either Adam or Amy to really care about that letter yet.

    Which brings me to the fact that half of this 1,000 word section is all backstory and infodumping. If we really need those details to understand the story (which I don't think we do), then the story should probably start there. I'd recommend cutting the whole high school/Adam flashback to no more than two or three lines.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'd echo Vicki's comments. I thought this was high school graduation at first - the mc sounded far too young. Some good lines - "...I-need-to-find-a-husband sorority" was great. And I'm puzzled by the Middle Eastern diplomats business. Also, would Adam's note be in with her gifts? That didn't make sense to me.

    If this were tightened I could be hooked - curious about the letter.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Definately want to read more. And the hook of what's in the letter obviously worked from all the other comments I've read.

    I would have to agree start with the small brown envelope sticking out amongst the pile of lavishness. It starts the hook right off the bat. I love the flashback! So sweet. And I actually liked the conversation with her mom about the exgirlfriends. I hope that she gets back to the letter pretty fast after that because you really shouldn't push it out much further than that. :D

    Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Not my genre, but here goes. First, you start out with a clear cut case of adjectivitis: imported silk comforter, fabulously wrapped, thin string (string is by definition thin) and many many more. But to be honest, you settle out of it rather quickly, and your writing becomes stronger.

    I don't get a sense of stakes here. The closest I got was the letter from an old love. I thought she might be compelled to do something, but no. Instead, the letter goes back in the pocket and we go into a droll conversation with Mom that doesn't seem to move the story at all. It kills your momentum. Where does the actual story start? If I were choosing at the bookstore and picked this up, I would have put it down during the coversation with Mom. By that time I realized we're not going anywhere soon.

    Another thing to look at is the back story when she's looking at the letter. It pulls the reader out of the story during your introductory paragraphs. Just when it felt like we going somewhere, we are back in past getting things explained to us. The reader doesn't need to know everything right away. We like to find the clues and figure it out ourselves. All you need is her reading the boy's name, the timid way she approaches the letter, her hestiation at opening it. We would know there was something there. It would have been enough to draw the reader in and have them looking forward to the clues about her past with this boy sprinkled in along the way.

    Your have giveen your protagonist a strong voice, and that's a great talent. You also brought me as a reader close to the character, as if I'm watching over her shoulder. You need to do as good a job with Mom. She reads a little flat and sterotypic (June Cleaverish). If daughter is sassy and a character, the apple probably didn't fall far from the tree. Mom should be just as memorable.

    Good luck, and good writing,

    -Craven

    ReplyDelete
  19. Not my genre, but here goes. First, you start out with a clear cut case of adjectivitis: imported silk comforter, fabulously wrapped, thin string (string is by definition thin) and many, many more. But to be honest, you settle out of it rather quickly, and your writing becomes stronger when you do.

    I don't get a sense of stakes here. The closest I got was the letter from an old love. I thought she might be compelled to do something, but no. Instead, the letter goes back in the pocket and we go into a droll conversation with Mom that doesn't seem to move the story at all. It kills your momentum. Where does the actual story start? If I were shopping at the bookstore and picked this up, I would have put it down during the coversation with Mom. By that time I realized we're not going anywhere soon.

    Another thing to look at is the introduction of back-story when she's looking at the letter. It pulls the reader out of the story soon after it starts. Just when it felt like we going somewhere, we are back in past getting things explained to us. The reader doesn't need to know everything right away. We like to find the clues and figure it out ourselves. All you need is her reading the boy's name, the timid way she approaches the letter, her hestiation at opening it. We would know there was something there. It would have been enough to draw the reader in and have them looking forward to the finding out about her past with this boy sprinkled throughout the story.

    Your have given your protagonist a strong voice, and that takes talent. You also brought me closer to the character as a reader, as if I'm watching over her shoulder. You need to do as good a job with Mom. She reads a little flat and sterotypic (June Cleaverish). If the daughter is sassy and a character, the apple probably didn't fall far from the tree. Mom should be just as memorable.

    Good luck, and good writing,

    -Craven

    ReplyDelete