Okay, I couldn't do it. I couldn't choose a final winner, despite Mr. A's input.
I've been described as everything from a bikini model to the offspring of a goatherd and a herbalist, and I've chuckled out loud more than once. Entries that painted my life as full of dogs, however, were dismissed immediately because it is no secret that Authoress + Dogs = Anathema. (On both sides, I'm sure.)
So here's what it boils down to: (Ur...to what it boils down? That sounds utterly awkward.)
THREE FINALISTS! And I'm tossing the vote to you, faithful readers.
Vote for your favorite among the three Authoress Bios listed below. Please vote by letter: A, B, or C, to simplify the tallying job. And please vote once, for one entry. Cast your vote IN THE COMMENT BOX BELOW. Please, no emails.
Yes, feel free to vote for yourself. After all, presidential candidates get to do it.
I've chosen the following three because a) they read like bios; b) they're well written without being overly written; c) I just like them.
May the voting begin! I'll accept all votes up until the Secret Agent contest starts rolling at 9:00 am EDT tomorrow. I'll tally while you crit, and announce the winner after the initial brouhaha has simmered.
Here are the THREE FINALISTS:
A: H.L. Dyer
After sacrificing a promising career as a burlesque dancer to focus her energies on her debut novel, Authoress spends her free time reading the first 250 words of every book ever written and following a strict upper-body-strengthening regimen in hopes of no longer needing to rely on others to open her wine bottles.
She lives with her husband, a prize-winning pinball enthusiast, in a pineapple under Number 4, Baker Street, nestled in the Cashew Orchards of the Shire.
Her memoir Gimmee a Shimmy, due to be published this fall, combines the details of her scandalous past (including the story behind the infamous red hat dance) with simple step-by-step burlesque basics and is anticipated to be "bigger than chocolate."
Twenty-four year old Authoress McSnarkle graduated from the University of Topeka with a pre-post graduate degree in slushpile diving and tragic novel writing.
After her internship with a publishing company in Yemen, Authoress was able to publish her first non-fictional book about the many uses of cat hair entitled, “Cat Hair Weaving for Geniuses.” After a brief stint with the law over skinny dipping in the fountains of New York, wearing only a large red hat, Authoress released her new bestselling novel, “Full Moon in the City.”
Authoress spends her spare time blogging and helping aspiring writers of fictional fiction, and is currently seeking a career in writing rap music to Shakespearean verse.
Authoress began her fascination with hats early on in life. Not only do they lend an aura of mystery, they also complete the outfit.
Her earliest memories are those of peering out from underneath a very stylish brim while concocting tales of such beauty and eloquence they must bide their time, for the world is not yet ready to bask in her greatness.
Her large heart is only exceeded by her hat collection. Her future plans include taking over the world, one novel at a time.