Tuesday, December 15, 2009

10 Drop the Needle

TITLE: STRINGS
GENRE: YA Paranormal

Mara never thought her mother would burn down their home-- even after her papa died inside-- much less that her mother would set it aflame herself without telling anyone else. Mara has just run inside to rescue her violin:


Blinding smoke chokes our tiny bow-top wagon. Its wooden walls are already aflame, sending my home to the hereafter with Papa. I can live with losing my sweet Papa and our home in the same week, but not my violin, too.

Orange light flickers off its smooth surface, right where I left it and my bow on the narrow bunk. You should have loosened the bow when you were done playing, Mara, comes Alex's voice in my head. A fine time for such a warning, when I'm risking my skin.

I snatch the unburned blanket from the mattress, holding my violin tight to my chest and wrapping the blanket close. I stumble sightless toward the door I'd left open while the flames eat away our beloved vardo. They'll eat me next if I stay any longer. If I stay...

Mother is shouting outside. "Sweet Mother Mary, save my baby girl!”

Imagine, Mother and my sisters grieving for me. There'll be nothing of mine to burn. Nothing left to remember me by. Nothing but my restless mulo to haunt them.

I'd laugh at myself if it wouldn't mean sucking in smoke. Me, just another mulo like old Kira and the Tinker. Wouldn't they love to see me so? I grit my teeth. I'm determined to live, if only to keep from spending the afterlife with those two chattering in my dead ear.

Clutching my violin, I tuck my face under the blanket and hurry toward the door, quick as a match is struck.

13 comments:

  1. I like some of the visuals here, and I can easily see the main character as she navigates the burning house.

    That said, the voice of this section feels kind of quiet to me. While it'd work in other spots easily in the novel (and you have a great writing style), with something this dramatic, I'd expect it to be a bit more punchier with less background info and more of the urgency I'd expect the main character to feel as she runs through the burning house.

    One other thought: can the main character really handle losing her "sweet papa" and her "home"... but can't bear to part with the violin? This might make more sense in context, but especially with losing her dad, I'm surprised to see the character worried more about a material object rather than someone in her family.

    Hope these comments help. Good luck!

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  2. You do write very well, but I think you need to punch it up a little in this section. More urgency. More sensual input.

    Perhaps consider including sense other than vision. Can you hear the crackling of the wood as the fire eats into the timbers? The smell of burning wood? The heat against your face? Stinging your eyes and filling your nose?

    Maybe shorter sentences to increase the tension?

    Hope that helps.

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  3. I like the voice and the sense of danger. I agree with Michael that the use of other senses would heighten the danger - the heat from the flames, the acrid smell of the smoke, the crackling sound. Is she sweating from the heat? From fear? Is she cold?

    I definitely get the sense that she treasures the violin, probably more than her life. I'd probably read more just to find out the value of the violin. Good work.

    S

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  4. I get no sense that she's in a burning building. Smoke, heat, fear, adrenaline? I know you say 'sightless' but she must see something...also smell, taste, feel. All the musing about people mourning her seems a bit unlikely.

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  5. I like your writing voice. Especially her mother calling out a prayer outside. And you do well describing the fire. I'd like to read more.
    But she has too many thoughts. Losing Papa and home in same week, a warning from Alex, her family grieving for her, and her laughing about sharing the afterlife with Kira and Tinker.
    I'd cut down those thoughts to ONE main thought that drives her, sends her in, and helps save her.

    I would also consider rephrasing this sentence: "I can live with losing my sweet Papa and our home in the same week, but not my violin, too." Does this mean that the violin is more important than Papa and her home? It seems like she wasn't too attached to either. Was that your intention?

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  6. I like the writing here, but I'm not quite feeling the danger. You may need to show the smoke and burn of the fire as she goes into the wagon (?) to save her violin.

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  7. As others have said, there really isn't a sense of danger here. She's in a burning building which she has entered to save her violin, but there's almost no mention of the flames and smoke and how she's progressing through it all.

    What does she smell, taste, feel? How hard or easy is it for her to breathe?

    Perhaps cut all her thoughts about how her family would grieve for her. It's more likely all her thoughts would be on getting out, or on saving her violin if it meant so much to her. Give us more of the fire and her struggle with it, and perhaps don't let her find the violin so easily.

    And the comment about losing Papa and the house did come across as rather cold. Perhaps rephrase that.

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  8. I'm with the others: The sense of urgency isn't strong enough, especially since she seems to be in the middle of a burning house/wagon (I'm imagining something like what an old traveling circus used to use). I think the others also have some good ideas of how to fix it - giving us a few more sensory details would go a long way.

    You may also think about chopping up your sentences to give this passage a sharp, staccato feel. Also, if I were you, I'd cut out her musings about the afterlife, or at least shorten them A LOT. If she has that much time to ruminate, the fire must not be too dangerous after all.

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  9. I am TERRIFIED of fire. I fainted dead away (the only time I've ever fainted) when I caught the eye of the stove on fire once. Thusly flames, coupled with the tight space of a wagon gave me plenty of tension here.

    I will say that you might make that small space more obviously small. And is her papa's body still in there? Did her mother burn it to release his soul like the travelers of Ireland and Europe did in the old days?

    Also, I LIKE that she's not all that attached to her mother and sisters, but maybe she oughtn't call her papa sweet while talking about not being able to lose her violin. I understand the attachment to an instrument, I think it just doesn't come across quite right.

    Really I quite like this though. I'd take the book right off the shelf and head for the checkout line. I love your style of writing.

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  10. What you may be trying to say is "I've held it together through losing my sweet papa and my home. Now if I lose my violin I'll completely fall apart and never be whole again." Or something similar. After losing so much, I feel your MC either needs to express that she is feeling a bit detached or we need more raw emotion. When I lost my father I cried every half hour or so for a week. I was a mess. Maybe she's just pulling herself together after a crying jag or is determined not to cry again until she is alone. In either case, it's well written but lacks the authenticity of emotion one would feel after losing a father, especially one she calls "Sweet Papa."

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  11. Ah, this scene needs to be read in the context of the book so we can better understand who your character is in order to truly critique this. I suspect Mara is a reject, and her only true consolation is her violin--not her mother or father or sisters, which is why she reacts as she does in the fire, and why her thoughts are the focus and not the imminent physical danger. I like it as it stands! Nevertheless, if you did intend for there to be true danger, you need to present conflict with the fire and listen to all the good advice that's been shared.

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  12. I enjoyed the flow of the piece, really well done. There were few distractions, and it allowed me to be thoroughly absorbed by the words.

    I thought that the narrator's voice could use some work. I didn't really get a good sense of her from the piece. Her voice seemed kind of weak. Heightening the sense of danger would really help.

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  13. I liked your character's voice, but she's thinking an awful lot for someone in such a dramatic situation. Don't worry about getting too much information across in a scene like this - just concentrate on describing the flames, etc. that she's trying to avoid. Focus on the immediate danger.

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