Wednesday, December 16, 2009

41 Drop the Needle

GENRE: YA thriller

Eden turned to face the smaller male at the same time he went for her throat. She jabbed him in the chest with the heel of her free hand, knocking him back a step, and went in for the kill.

A hand burst out of the dirt as she stepped forward, snagging her left ankle, and sending her tumbling face-down to the ground. Only years of training kept her bolo in her hand. She rolled onto her back as another zombie clawed its way out of the ground. And, oh God, it was a child. A cute little boy if you ignored the fact his throat was torn out.

She didn’t have time to be squeamish. Eden kicked it in the head and yanked her foot out of his grip. Before she had a chance to move, the adult zombie was in her face, its mouth gaping as it dove for her. Fuck that.

Eden rolled again and the zombie went to his knees in the exact place she would have been. She scrambled to her feet and beheaded him before he could cause her any more trouble. And then there was only the child, still trying to pull its way out of the ground. Its legs were stuck beneath the half-open grave and it moaned as it reached for her.

She stood frozen, staring at it as it tried to climb out so it could eat her.


  1. The first line saying smaller male makes me think there is another male zombie nearby, but after she beheads him she only has to face the child. So there isn't another male there- unless he is in the part before.

    The child zombie filled me with horror. I think I could kick some zombie but if needed, but a child would be so tough.

    I didn't like Fuck that- it jarred me out of the scene. I have no problems with swear words, but have found when I am reading, I don't like them.

    Other than that, I liked this a lot. Would buy this book.

  2. Oh wow, another zombie book. I'm guessing agents are getting flooded with them. I wouldn't call it a thriller, though, because it isn't. It's YA paranormal. Because I was expecting a thriller, the second paragraph threw me.

    Hey wait, I just figured this one out. You're the girl who sent the query to Kate Testerman and landed a request.

    Why would she wait for the zombie child to come eat her? She just took down the adult zombie and now she's afraid? It's still partly stuck in the ground. Her fear doesn't make sense.

    Good luck with it!

  3. I thought this was very well written. Great tension and suspense! I'd keep reading. The only thing that threw me was the "at it as it" in the last sentence. I would remove "at it" and I think the sentence would flow better (the reader knows where she's staring). But other than that, awesome job!

  4. "Eden turned to face the smaller male at the same time he went for her throat." It's my day to find time references that slow my reading. 'at the same time' to 'as' in particular. :-)

    She appears to be a master fighter, but also falls back to being afraid by the end and is presented rather weak in the beginning sentence. My connection to her wavered as a result.

    On the other hand, I love it when she's kick ass.

  5. I have to agree with the other poster--she's a total kick ass zombie killer up until that last scene. Just knowing the child wants to eat her doesn't sound like enough reason for her to freeze up. Not after that.
    And the first paragraph, "at the same time" would flow better if it were "just as".

    Otherwise I think it's great! I love that her name is Eden and she's fighting off zombies. Reminds me of the Anita Blake series for adults by Laurel K Hamilton.

  6. Okay, I think I've just figured this one out. The "child" zombie isn't really a child is it? You just meant it's a young zombie which makes it extremely deadly. Right? But we would know this if we had been actually reading the book and not just jumping in part way.

    Good luck with your partial request. I'm not into zombie stories (The only one I love is Generation Dead. But that's because it's original) but your query sounded interesting.

  7. I probably drop the "F-bomb" in my YA story a hundred times, so I'm certainly not against it in literature. It needs to be where it belongs, though, and in my opinion where it is placed pulls us from the story too much. I like Eden, and I love that she's a strong female heroine, but I was confused by her being frozen scared by a half stuck in the ground child zombie, as other critters were. A little cleaning up and I think you've got a strong piece here!