Monday, December 7, 2009

Writerly Christmas Lyrics Contest Now Open!

Okay, folks! Share your best writing advice/jokes/impressions set to holiday tunes in the comment box below.

THE RULES:
  • Absolutely no emails, please. Comment box only.
  • Please do not enter more than TWO masterpieces.
  • Please use a screen name by which you will be EASILY IDENTIFIABLE. "Anonymous" simply doesn't cut it. Especially if there are more than one.
  • Lewd entries will be deleted. But you wouldn't do that, anyway.
  • Your masterpiece should be an ORIGINAL set of lyrics that go along with a CHRISTMAS (OR HANUKKAH) CAROL OR SONG. Please include the TITLE of the tune so that we can all sing along.
The contest will open at 8:00 am EST on Monday, December 7, and will close at 8:00 am EST on Wednesday, December 9. Comments will then be closed.

THE PRIZE:

Lauren MacLeod will CRITIQUE THE QUERY LETTER of the person whose entry she deems Best Of All.

The winner will be announced on Thursday, December 10.

67 comments:

  1. Anon the Constant Query-er
    (formerly known as Rudolph...)

    Rachelle and Nathan and Jenny and Lauren,
    Laurie and Ginger and Colleen and Kristen.
    Do you recall
    When queries came once, that was all?

    Anon the constant query-er
    Wrote a book about his woes,
    And if you ever read it,
    You would even say it blows.

    All of the other writers,
    Used to laugh and call him names;
    They never let poor Anon,
    Join in any writer games.

    Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
    Anon came to say:
    “Writing, it’s no good for me,
    I will stop at fifty-three."

    Then how the writers loved him
    As they shouted out with glee,
    Anon the constant query-er
    Thanks for making room for me!"

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Twelfth Month of Christmas Dream (To the tune of Twelve Days of Christmas – some words hyphenated to help with the tune.)

    On the first month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    An idea for a story

    On the second month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Two char-ac-ters

    On the third month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Three writing blocks

    On the fourth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Four hundred pages

    On the fifth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Five re-vi-sions…

    On the sixth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Six query letters

    On the seventh month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Seven agent ejects (Yeah…that’s what I said [maintain the tune])

    On the eighth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Eight days depression

    On the ninth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Nine go girl pep talks

    On the tenth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Ten bazillion queries

    On the eleventh month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    ‘Leven full requests

    On the Twelve month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
    Twelve agent offers

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tune: Let It Snow by J. Lyon

    Oh my writing block was so frightful
    And the storyline so trite-ful Until a vision flooded my soul
    Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

    The muse has no signs of stopping
    Lots of coffee’s got me hopping The writing has me all gung-ho
    Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

    When I finally reach the end
    How I’ll hate cutting words I adore
    But with editing I intend
    To have publishers begging for more!

    The ache in my back is rising
    And my hands are sore from typing But I’m stoked to get this story told
    Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

    ReplyDelete
  4. What fun!!!!! I love these!

    To the tune of "Oh Holy Night"

    Oh agent right
    Your synop guideline's daunting
    I want to query but can't be that brave...

    Why must you ask
    For such a horrid item?
    Can't I pretend that I didn't see it there?

    I know I can
    I'll send the query lonely
    You'll see it and
    You'll want me (synop or no!)

    YOU...Will want my book
    I can HEAR your voice already....

    OH ca-----llll me now

    Oh call... I'm really nice

    Oh call, me N---o-----w,
    Oh call
    Oh. call. me. now....

    Suzyhayze
    http://suzyhayze.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. “Little Writer Girl”
    To the tune of “Little Drummer Boy”

    “Write,” they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
    A brand new manuscript, pa rum pum pum pum
    My finest work to date, pa rum pum pum pum
    To send to the agent, pa rum pum pum pum,
    Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    So, to finish it, pa rum pum pum pum,
    Fast as I can.

    Literary agent, pa rum pum pum pum
    I’ll send my query to you, pa rum pum pum pum
    I have no prior works, pa rum pum pum pum
    Please don’t hold it against me, pa rum pum pum pum,
    Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    Shall I send it to you, pa rum pum pum pum,
    Through the mail?

    The agent read it, pa rum pum pum pum,
    “This is really good,” pa rum pum pum pum
    “I think I’d like a full,” pa rum pum pum pum
    I wrote my best query, pa rum pum pum pum,
    Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    Then she chose me, pa rum pum pum pum,
    Me and my book.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Here are two for you. They're short and sweet.

    To the tune of Feliz Navidad

    Puh-leez write me back
    Puh-leez write me back
    Puh-leez write me back
    You’ve got my query, now write me back.

    I wanna be a published author
    I wanna be a published author
    I wanna be a published author
    From the bottom of my heart!


    To the tune of Silent Night

    Maaaan-uscript. Uuuun-published
    Hero’s da bomb, plot is tight
    Her’ine’s a virgin, wants to get laid.
    I’m a writer, wants to get paid.
    Please, editors publish iii-it
    Plee-eze editors publish it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. The Little Manuscript
    ttto The Little Drummer Boy

    Come, she told me
    Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
    Your pages I will read
    Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
    Tension on each of them
    Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
    A masterpiece of the pen
    Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
    Flip-ppp-ppp-ppp
    Flip-ppp-ppp-ppp
    She asked me for the full
    Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
    My dear manuscript.

    ReplyDelete
  8. O Come, Agent
    ttto O Come, Emmanuel

    O come, o come, ye agent fair and belle,
    And rescue from this vast submission Hell
    My manuscript critiqued and trimmed to size,
    And on the page my story immortalize.
    Rejoice! Rejoice! O seedling of my mind,
    Thy time will come, thou'll not be left behind.

    ReplyDelete
  9. *grins sheepishly*

    My first novel
    was completely inspired
    by teenage rage, angst, pitted and mired

    And through my mind
    rattled thoughts, obsessed and bold;
    to see my words printed, read, and sold

    Novel! Novel! Novel! My Novel
    This is the book the world's been waiting for

    I look-ed up and saw
    many agents online
    so many folks to email, phone, and malign

    And so I applied
    to each and every soul
    listed and not, I was on a roll

    Novel! Novel! Novel! My Novel
    This is the book the world's been waiting for

    Very soon I realized
    that this method was blind
    some answered, some not, most not kind

    The harsh truth was revealed
    that something had been neglected;
    before sending, I should haven edited

    Novel! Novel! Novel! My Novel
    This (will be) the book the world's been waiting for

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sung to Jingle Bell Rock

    Pitch blurb, hook line, please take a chance,
    On my angelic, YA romance.
    My characters will make you smile,
    please save me from the slushy pile.
    Form rejects, e-rejects, give me a break,
    Tylenol can't kick my query headache.
    Into my inbox, I peek and I shriek,
    the hopes and blows are making me weak.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear Writerly World,
    Please excuse a slight use of creative license in fitting quotations to lyrics.

    The Twelve Tips on Queries
    (to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas)


    1. On most agent websites, query samples show, word count in the first line

    2. On Cheryl Klein’s submission page, she infers
    Word counts are boring-
    But Most want it in the First line

    3. On The Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions say
    tell us why you chose us-
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    4. On Janet Reid’s blog, she quite often says
    I Don’t care Why you Picked me-
    Tell us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line.

    5. On Janet Reid’s blog, she's also said
    250 Words!
    Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
    Tell Us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    6. On the Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions read
    No More than 2 full pages-
    250 Words!
    I Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
    Tell Us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    7. On the Greenburger webpage, sub instructions say
    Include Bio and Synopsis-
    No More than 2 pages
    250 Words!
    Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
    Tell Us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    8. One day in Twitterverse, Jenn Laughran wrote,
    Synopses are of the Devil-
    Include a Synopsis
    No More than 2 pages
    250 Words!
    Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
    Tell Us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    9. On the Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions say,
    Don’t refer us to your website-
    Synopses are of the Devil
    Include a Synopsis
    No More than 2 pages
    250 words!
    Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
    Tell Us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    10. In Nathan’s query samples, he clearly says,
    “Cool, she’s got a website!”-
    Don’t refer us to you website
    Synopses are of the Devil
    Include a Synopsis
    No More than 2 pages
    250 words!
    Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
    Tell Us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    11. In a panel at a conference, an editor said
    “You must have a web presence”
    “Cool, she’s got a website!”-
    Don’t refer us to your website
    Synopses are of the Devil
    Include a Synopsis
    No More than 2 pages
    250 words!
    Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
    Tell Us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    12 As I write my query, please do excuse, my head banging up against the wall.
    Must have a web presence, Cool, she’s got a website,
    Don’t refer us to your website
    Synopses are of the Devil
    Include a Synopsis
    No More than 2 pages
    250 words
    Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
    Tell Us Why You Chose Us
    Word Counts are Boring
    But Most Want it in the First Line

    ReplyDelete
  12. Very impressive, people. Here's mine:

    Writer’s Block
    (Or, Ode To A Failed Children’s Book Writer)
    sung to Jingle Bells

    Dashing through rewrites
    On a story that I should trunk
    Trolling agent sites
    Has got me in a funk

    Time to start anew
    Something that’s not been done
    No gods, wizards, angels or vamps
    Or orphans on the run

    Oh, writers’ block, writers’ block
    The most annoying bane
    The second I sit down I feel
    my motivation wane

    Writers’ block, writers’ block
    You’ve got me in a funk
    I need a fresh idea
    because my last one really stunk:

    A picture book for kids
    It told a birthday tale
    I thought the story fresh
    A sure-fire instant sale

    PiƱata point of view
    Not really well thought-out
    “Hey kids, I am your cartoon friend,
    now hit me in the snout!”

    Oh, bash me hard, spill my guts
    Try to make me spew
    Forget for just a second
    That I look like Pikachu

    Smash and grab; push and learn
    Lessons I speak of
    Candy’s for the quick, so don’t
    You hesitate to shove

    Oh, bad idea, bad idea
    What else can I do?
    Everything’s been done before
    What’s left is all taboo

    Writers’ block, I just need
    Something with a hook
    I’ve got it now! I think I’ll try
    A steampunk picture book.

    ReplyDelete
  13. To tune of Frosty The Snow Man

    Defroster Dunce Man

    Defroster Dunce Man
    Was a very careless fool
    He would not scrape ice
    off his windshield
    or any windows

    Down to the village
    Unable to even see
    He'd look through lines
    and tiny holes
    Because he's too lazy

    He motored down the streets of town
    right to a traffic cop
    He only paused a moment when
    He heard him holler: Stop!

    Defroster Dunce Man
    You better not be on your way
    Get off your duff and
    clean this stuff
    Before you drive away

    Scrapity scrape scrape
    Scrapity Scrape scrape
    Look at Dunce Man go

    Scrapity scrape Scrape
    Scrapity Scrape Scrape
    We can see out the windows!

    ReplyDelete
  14. The Writers' Query Song, to the tune of The Chipmunks Christmas Song (Chrismtas don't be late)

    All right you writers! Ready to query your agents?
    -I’ll say we are!
    -Yeah!
    -Let’s query them now!
    Ok, Simon?
    -Okay!
    Okay Theodore?
    -Okay!
    Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN!
    -OKAY!!!

    Query, Query time is here
    Time for mail and time for fear
    We’ve revised, but we can’t last
    Hurry Query, hurry fast.
    Want an agent that’s in the loop
    I will jump through all your hoops!
    We can hardly stand the wait
    Please Query, don’t be late.

    Ok writers get ready.
    Nice query letter, Simon
    -Naturally.
    Good hook, Theodore.
    -Ummm...
    Ah, Alvin, you were a little clichƩ, watch it.
    Ah, Alvin. Alvin. ALVIN!
    -OKAY.

    Please call me, put me in your loop
    I'll still jump through your all your hoops.
    We can hardly stand the wait
    Please Query, don’t be late.
    We can hardly stand the wait
    Please Query, don’t be late.



    Very good, writers.
    -Let’s query again! Yeah, let’s query again!
    No, That’s enough agents, let’s not overdo it.
    -What do you mean overdo it? Agents need to see my work!
    -We want to query again.
    Now wait a month, writers.
    Why can’t we query again?
    -[writer twitter]
    Alvin, don’t send that email…Theodore, just read the guidelines
    Simon, will you sign off the internet? Writers….

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells:

    Three hundred thousand words
    It took me quite a while
    Now I have to shrink it down
    To sum up - query style.
    The hero's strong and true
    The bad guy's gonna rue
    The true love's gonna run away
    Right in chapter two.
    Oh.......

    Jingle bells, Queries sell,
    Horrid as they may.
    Oh my God! I hate this part.
    It kills my holiday.
    Jingle bells, Queries sell,
    Horrid as they may.
    Oh my God! I hate this part.
    It kills my holiday.

    I read my query through
    I think I'm gonna spew
    My romance manuscript, it seems
    Sounds more like Chainsaw 2!
    After eight more tries,
    The query's not yet right.
    I grab a drink and start to think
    I'm wound just too damn tight!

    Jingle bells, Queries sell,
    Horrid as they may.
    Oh my God! I hate this part.
    It kills my holiday.
    Jingle bells, Queries sell,
    Horrid as they may.
    Oh my God! I hate this part.
    It kills my holiday.

    The book it took a year
    The query four months more
    I think I fin'ly got it down
    I'm heading out the door.
    To the box I go
    To mail it right away
    Fingers cross, oh God please work!
    Please Agent say "okay!"

    Jingle bells, Queries sell,
    Horrid as they may.
    Oh my God! I hate this part.
    It kills my holiday.
    Jingle bells, Queries sell,
    Horrid as they may.
    Oh my God! I hate this part.
    It kills my holiday.

    ReplyDelete
  16. NOvEL QUERY
    Sung to the tune of Santa Baby

    (Apologies to Ertha Kitt)


    Lauren baby,
    I need to find an agent this year.
    So, here.
    Your name was next on my list.
    Lauren baby,
    So hurry up and ask for the full.

    Lauren baby,
    The book is absolutely divine.
    All mine.
    My friends and family agree!
    Lauren baby,
    Just hurry up and ask for the full.

    Horror’s there. And some sci-fi.
    My clever combination’s gonna make you cry.
    Fantasy in steampunk style.
    Half a million words — ANNIE meets THE FLY.

    Lauren honey,
    “MAGGOT GIRL” is perfect for you.
    It’s true.
    You’ll love the way that I right.
    Lauren honey,
    So hurry up and ask for the full.

    Lauren cutie,
    I’ll send it off today by email
    Or snail.
    Just tell me which you prefer.
    Lauren cutie,
    Now hurry up and ask for the full.

    Plot is tight. The setting’s right.
    Starts out with: “It was a dark and stormy night.”
    Turn the page. The goose bumps pop.
    Scary! (Maybe safer leaving on your light.)

    Lauren baby,
    There’s one more thing that I need to do:
    Thank you!
    Here’s the number to phone.
    Lauren baby,
    So hurry up and ask for the thing.

    Lauren baby,
    Just punch your cell and give me a ring.

    Lauren baby,
    I’m packing for the tour next spring!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Query Fail, to the tune of Jingle Bells:

    Dashing through my draft
    A race to the finish line,
    Send it to an agent
    With glitter and a bottle of wine!
    She’ll love my thoughtful gift,
    I know I got it right
    She’ll be calling anytime
    I’ll snare an agent tonight!

    Oh, query fail, query fail,
    Botched it all the way!
    I wish I’d read the agents blog
    ‘Cause no one called today!

    Query fail, query fail,
    Botched it all the way!
    I wish I’d read the agents blog
    ‘Cause no one called today!

    It had been three days
    But I still hadn’t heard
    And so I hit resend
    Without another word.
    Her inbox might be full,
    Something must be wrong;
    I knew it was a masterpiece
    ‘Cause I heard it from my mom!

    Oh, query fail, query fail,
    Botched it all the way!
    I wish I’d read the agents blog
    ‘Cause I had no luck today!

    Query fail, query fail,
    Botched it all the way!
    I wish I’d read the agents blog
    ‘Cause I had no luck today!

    Another week went by,
    And so this seemed to say
    I should just resend my letter
    Every single day,
    I don’t know why she sent
    Her curt ‘Cease and Desist.’
    I thought we were such good friends
    But I see I’ve just been dissed!

    Query fail, query fail,
    Botched it all the way!
    I wish I’d read the agents blog
    ‘Cause I had no luck today!

    Oh, query fail, query fail,
    Botched it all the way!
    Wish I’d read the agents blog
    ‘Cause no one called today!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Baby It’s Cold Outside:

    I really must write,
    But baby, it’s half past three
    I’ll use candlelight
    Baby, it’s half past three
    I wish I knew how
    Well past our bedtime now
    to craft this line,
    Come to bed, in the morning you’ll be fine
    I want to be done tomorrow
    A sleepless night just brings sorrow
    Or at least to chapter twenty-five,
    It’s late—your words are barely alive
    I have a problem with this tableau
    I hope you don’t find this shallow:
    Or maybe it’s the character’s drive,
    You run the risk of sounding contrived
    I know that it’s late,
    Oh, yes, a while ago
    This conflict can’t wait,
    And you have miles to go
    Tell me my love,
    The moon is high above
    is this clichƩ?
    Please come to bed, the hour is late
    A synonym for ‘delicious’
    I know that you are ambitious
    ‘Scrumptious’, ‘yummy’, ‘luscious’ – not right –
    You think if you’re not published you’ll die
    I really must write,
    This is my last plea
    Oh, baby, it’s half past three./Baby, it’s half past three.

    ReplyDelete
  19. To the tune of Last Christmas by George Michael (this is my 2nd entry)


    Last Christmas I sent an email
    But the very next day, you told me no way.
    This year to save me from tears
    I fixed my novel so it’s special

    Last Christmas I sent an email
    But the very next day, you told me no way.
    (you told me no way)
    This year to save me from tears
    I fixed my novel so it’s special
    (special)

    Once requested now twice denied
    I query others, but you still catch my eye
    Tell me agent, do you recognize me
    Well it’s been a year, it doesn’t surprise me.


    I wrote the query and sent it
    With a note saying “represent me” I meant it
    Now I know what a fool I’ve been,
    But I read your guidelines, you can’t fool me again

    Last Christmas I sent an email
    But the very next day, you told me no way.
    (you told me no way)
    This year to save me from tears
    I fixed my novel so it’s special
    (special)

    Last Christmas I sent an email
    But the very next day, you told me no way.
    This year to save me from tears
    I fixed my novel so it’s special
    (special)


    Oh, oh you agent!

    Slush pile, assistants with tired eyes
    I’m scared your next rejection letter will bite
    Oh man, you were my agent who I’d rely on
    Me, I guess I was in need of a rejection

    Your name on a website gave me fire in my heart
    Agent undercover, but you tore me apart
    Ooh hoo, now I’ve read the guidelines
    You can’t fool me again

    Last Christmas I sent an email
    But the very next day, you told me no way.
    (you told me no way)
    This year to save me from tears
    I fixed my novel so it’s special
    (special)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sung to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer"

    Book pitch got run over by a braggart
    Elbowing right past me at the con
    You might say that good voice gets attention
    But my poor pen is weaker than his brawn

    ReplyDelete
  21. Fun Contest!

    Oh Query!
    (Sung to Oh Cristmas Tree)

    Oh Query, Oh Query!
    How clever are your sentences.
    Oh Query, Oh Query!
    How clever are your sentences.

    Entice an agent with the hook,
    someone who’ll help me sell my book.

    Oh Query, Oh Query!
    How clever are your sentences.

    Oh Query! Oh Query!
    Thy words hold all the power.
    Oh Query! Oh Query!
    Thy words hold all the power.

    A summary so well-equipped,
    they’ll want to read the manuscript.

    Oh Query! Oh Query!
    Thy words hold all the power.

    Oh Query! Oh Query!
    Do well to represent me.
    Oh Query! Oh Query!
    Do well to represent me.

    Convey my new and unique voice,
    so I will be the agent’s choice.

    Oh Query! Oh Query!
    Do well to represent me.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Jingle Bells

    Sending countless notes
    Chasing after quotes
    Deadlines loom galore
    Writing’s this and more;

    Find the exact word –
    One you’ve never heard
    Flow-charts on the wall –
    Surely that’s not all?

    Refrain:
    Read and write, do it right, if you want to be
    Up there in the shelves and nooks
    With someone who sells books
    Oh... (repeat)

    When you see the light
    You can start to write
    Query and explore
    Till your eyes are sore.

    Make sure facts are right;
    Make sure plot is tight;
    A success you’ll be –
    Just you wait and see...


    Tanja Cilia

    ReplyDelete
  23. I Have Myself the Perfect Manuscript
    (to the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas)

    I have myself the perfect manuscript.
    Agents will flock to me.
    From now on my life will be in luxury.

    I have myself a bestselling novel.
    New York Times watch out.
    From now on my book will be at number one.

    Here I am talking with Oprah
    She’ll postpone retirement for me.
    Jealous friends will ignore me
    But I don’t need them at all.

    Through the years
    I’ll win Nobel and Pulitzer
    When they read my book.
    Place awards in my trophy case for all to see.
    I have myself the most talent of all writers.



    And now for The Little Writing Droid
    (sung to the tune of The Little Drummer Boy)

    Come they told me, Pa rum pum pum pum
    These voices speak to me, Pa rum pum pum pum
    I didn’t want to hear, Pa rum pum pum pum
    But they were always near, Pa rum pum pum pum
    Rum pum pum pum
    Rum pum pum pum
    So to silence them, Pa rum pum pum pum
    I wrote it all down.

    First a baby, Pa rum pum pum pum
    And then a poor boy too, Pa rum pum pum pum
    They started talking, Pa rum pum pum pum
    About their inane lives, Pa rum pum pum pum
    Rum pum pum pum
    Rum pum pum pum
    Fine, I’ll write it too, Pa rum pum pum pum
    Just go away.

    Finally, Pa rum pum pum pum
    The story’s on the page, Pa rum pum pum pum
    I wrote it all for them, Pa rum pum pum pum
    So they would shut the hell up, Pa rum pum pum pum
    Rum pum pum pum
    Rum pum pum pum
    Then we were alone, Pa rum pum pum pum
    Me and my brain.

    (Author's note: But not for long...)

    ReplyDelete
  24. (To the tune of Deck the Halls)

    Deck the walls with rejection slips

    Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Blah

    This manuscript isn't cutting it

    Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Blah

    Been writing for days in the same apparel

    Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Blah

    Seek an agent, drink a barrel

    Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Blah


    Maribeth:)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Awesomesauce! My contributions:

    (Tune: O Holy Night)

    O Holey plot! The ills are brightly shining,
    It is the sight of my book's glaring dearth.
    I slayed the words - the adverbs are a-piling,
    Till I'm a-feared it's the worst work on Earth.
    A thrill of hope, the beta reader voices,
    “You could just add a vampire like New Moon!”
    Hail liver disease!
    Oh, drink like the James Joyces!
    O plot malign,
    The sad clichƩs shoehorn.
    O plot malign!
    O plot malign!

    Led by the thought that I am J.K. Rowling,
    With glowing smile, I took up my pen.
    Now 10K in, in adjectives I'm drowning,
    My critique partners won't read again.
    The hero is a brute - you cannot love him;
    The heroine is too stupid to live.
    Why did I start?
    No, never quit your day job!
    Behold: it sucks!
    I need to see a shrink.
    Behold: it sucks!
    Behold: it sucks!

    Truly, my mother doesn't even like it,
    My husband runs when the laptop I fetch.
    I've wasted my life; I'm nothing but a half-wit.
    There's nothing left but to give up and retch.
    The only hope is Harlequin Horizons,
    And what the hell, it’s only my money.
    I'll buck the trend!
    I'll outsell Helen Fielding!
    I'll buck the trend!
    I'll buck the trend!

    ------------

    (Tune: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)

    It came upon a midnight clear,
    That terrible e-mail so cold.
    From agent, sending without mirth;
    In it, he baldly told:
    “Your book is horrid. I cannot ken
    Why you would dare send me this thing!
    Please burn it, lady, without delay.
    You are no Stephen King.”

    Still through my cries and salty tears,
    A desperate thought a-whirled;
    I’ll send him six more chapters, then
    He’ll rue the insults he hurled!
    Alas! My plan, it went awry --
    My praises he did not sing.
    His next sad missive, it started, “Zounds!
    Your e-mail I am blocking.”

    O, Mr. Agent, why do you goad,
    Me to reach for the Bordeaux?
    I toiled three decades on my great book --
    You’ve eight hundred pages to go!
    Look now, I’m sure he never glowers
    At authors who show up and bring
    Their book, in person, with cheery flowers;
    Yes, by his office I’ll swing!

    And that, dear reader, is why I sit,
    In jail cell so icky with mold.
    The bail will clean me out, and still
    My manuscript’s unsold.
    Restraining orders are impolite;
    Rejections, they surely sting.
    But I’m a wonderful writer, so
    I’ll send him my next book this spring!

    ReplyDelete
  26. #1
    To the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree"-

    Dear Agent, please,
    Dear Agent, please,
    Fall in love with my query.
    Dear Agent, please,
    Dear Agent, please.
    That would make Christmas merry.
    Request my full and then you'll say
    "I'll represent you right away."
    Dear Agent, please,
    Dear Agent, please,
    Fall in love with my query.

    Dear Agent, please,
    Dear Agent, please,
    Tell me you've heard of 'Twilight.'
    Dear Agent, please,
    Dear Agent, please.
    Mine reads like that. It has bite.
    My prose will make your li'l heart sing.
    I'm sure this is the next big thing.
    Dear Agent, please,
    Dear Agent, please,
    Fall in love with my query.


    #2
    To the tune of "Silent Night"-

    Silent night - need one to write.
    Work's a zoo. Home is, too.
    Can't recall when the floor was last clean,
    But I just want to finish this scene.
    Dream of writing in peace...
    I dream of writing in peace.

    Silent night - need one to write.
    Points of view are askew.
    MC's running around in my head,
    But I really should get to bed.
    Dream of writing in peace...
    I dream of writing in peace.

    Silent night - need one to write.
    Kid's up late. I can't wait.
    My computer is calling to me.
    Laundry's piled as high as can be.
    Dream of writing in peace...
    I dream of writing in peace.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sung to the tune of "Angels We Have Heard on High"

    Agents we have heard on high
    Sweetly scribing through the night
    And assistants in reply
    echoing their brave delight

    GL-O-O-O-O-O-R-I-A
    Break out the Pinot Grigot!

    GL-O-O-O-O-O-R-I-A
    We're repping a genius named Mary Jo-o-o-o!

    ReplyDelete
  28. (Jingle Bell Rock with a Novelist Kick)

    Queries Sell Rock
    by Martha Ramirez

    Queries sell, queries sell, queries that sell rock
    Queries that sell bling and queries that sell aren't boring
    Praying and hoping for acceptance from someone.

    Now the waiting has begun.

    Queries sell, queries sell, queries that sell rock
    Query bells chime in their own special time
    Hoping and pleading that I'll soon be there
    Able to share.

    What an uptight time, it's the right time
    To rock the rejections away
    Queries sell time is a swell time
    To celebrate in each every way.

    Giddy-up novelists, pick up your feet
    Query around the clock
    Mix and a-mingle in the publishing feat.

    That's the queries sell,
    That's the queries sell,
    That's the queries sell rock.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Since my 1st forgot the whole query part, make better with #2

    To tune of Frosty The Snow Man

    I have a Query

    We had a Query
    It’s a very good story
    He would not make nice
    With his writers
    Or anyone else

    Down to the village
    There they came to see
    He'd look through lines
    Of manuscripts
    Because he's too busy

    He motored down the streets of town
    Right to a traffic cop
    He only paused a moment when
    He heard him holler: Stop!

    I have a Query
    You better listen here today
    Get off your duff and
    Read this stuff
    Before you drive away

    Writity write write
    Writity write write
    Read my Query now

    Writity write write
    Writity write write
    We can sell these books and how!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Leavin’ me Lost in Wonderland: sung to the tune of Walking in the Winter Wonderland

    The phone rings
    He ain’t listenin’
    Agent ignores
    but I insist on
    my submission tonight
    But he took a flight
    Leavin’ me lost in wonderland

    Gone away is the book nook
    Here to stay is the e-book
    Read on the cheap
    can’t make ends meet
    if Kindle replaces book stands

    In the morning I’ll call my agent
    And he’ll pretend that he is out of town
    I’ll leave three more messages
    While his silence causes my head to pound

    Oh, the pain
    of rejection
    I can’t make
    the connection
    He tells enough lies
    He wears a disguise
    Leavin’ me lost in wonderland

    ReplyDelete
  31. My Book Is On Amazon
    (Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

    Oh, you’d better watch out
    for my next book.
    Keep an eye out
    ‘cause you’ll want to look.
    My book is on Amazon.

    It’s in the top ten.
    I’ve checked it now twice.
    I’ve finally made it.
    Isn’t it nice.
    My book is on Amazon.

    Rejected by Random House
    And Harper Collins, too.
    Now it’s making big bucks
    and they’re all crying boo-hoo.

    Well the process is hard
    and it often is long.
    But if you stick with it
    you’ll be singing this song.
    My book is on Amazon.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Mine's to the tune of Silver Bells.

    Query Hell

    Busy writing
    Keyboard fighting
    My tenth draft took its toll
    Sent it out
    To my beta’s
    Sharp scalpels
    Then there’s tapping
    Keyboard rapping
    Fixing hole after hole
    ‘Til it’s good as this writer can get.

    Query hell, query hell
    Rejections come, what a pity
    Email pings, damn this thing
    When will it be a request?

    Made my prose tight
    Got the voice right
    Through each perfect-paced scene
    Followed each
    Agents’ wish to
    The letter
    Got the format
    Query’s down pat
    She won’t know that I’m green
    Yes, it’s good as this writer can get.

    Query hell, query hell
    Rejections come, what a pity
    Email pings, my heart sings
    My God, I got a request!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Offering Number Two

    Uh, Oh
    (O Holy Night)

    O Godly one,
    why won’t you be my agent?
    Why won’t you e-ven give me half a chance?

    You won’t look at my work,
    unless I write a query
    and a synop-sis that must fit on one page.

    Such stupid rules.
    My work is good, just read it.
    Don’t be a fool
    or you’ll regret it soon.

    FALL . . . on your knees!
    I GAVE you a million chances!
    Toni-ight your mine!

    Oh your mine!
    And I am mad.

    You had your cha -a - ance.
    Now tonight
    Oh, oh oh oh tonight
    You’re mine!

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm Beginning to Think My Book is Finished
    (It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas)

    I'm beginning to think my book is finished,
    I don't have far to go
    Take a look at my cover page,
    I think that it might engage
    Some agents in New York if apropos...

    I'm beginning to think my book is polished,
    It no longer makes me snore,
    But the prettiest sight I'll see is the offer that will be
    On my own front door.

    No more typos for me, and adverbs? I've three
    My dialogue seems to be tight
    I've got a good hook, if you'd just take a look
    I'll send you some Turkish delight.
    And Mom and Dad can hardly wait to see my book in print.

    I'm beginning to think my book is worthy
    It's no longer incomplete
    I can't handle another slip, rejection just isn't hip,
    So please make me an offer toute de suite.

    I'm beginning to think my book is perfect
    Soon the reps will call,
    And the thing that will make them ring,
    Is the awesome tingling
    My book gives them all.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Joy to the world, writer style:

    Joy to the world, my first draft’s done!
    Let the real work commence;
    Let every character, scene and dialogue,
    Be edited to it’s core,
    Be edited to its core,
    Be edited, and edited, to its core!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Afterthoughts (To the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

    When I got my first rejection, this thought occurred to me:
    I’d better write a stronger query.

    When I got my next rejection, these thoughts occurred to me:
    I’ll read Strunk & White’s,
    And I’d better write a stronger query.

    (This would get incredibly long if I wrote each verse out in full, so I’m skipping to the end)

    When I got my twelfth rejection, these thoughts occurred to me:
    I won’t self-publish!
    I’ll shorten the synopsis
    Cut out the prologue
    Add microtension
    Add some love-interest
    Join a critique group
    Make up some credits...
    Give me a break!
    I’ll use Courier,
    Run Spell-Check,
    Reread Strunk &White’s,
    And I’d better write a stronger query.
    -Joanna H

    ReplyDelete
  37. Up on the Laptop by the tune of Up on the Rooftop

    Up on the laptop my fingers pause
    Out jumps good ole Santa Clause
    Down through my imagination he brings lots of joys
    All for the fantasy my mind employs

    Ho ho ho, who would show
    Ho ho ho, who would know

    Up on the laptop
    Click click click
    Down went my sanity
    Lickity split

    ReplyDelete
  38. Here's my second one. :)

    May be less obvious - think "I saw momma kissing santa claus".

    ***

    (sound of money chinking)

    Oh I watched my friend sell her manuscript
    to a famous friendly agent last week
    It occurred to me as she danced with glee
    that hey, that could also be me
    getting money deals for doing something
    as simple's sitting in front of the computer screen

    So I ran out to get a fabu-new laptop
    just as fast as the store opened that day
    the salesman didn't hesitate to point the way
    where the most expensive computer thing lay
    thought it was the most beautiful thing I ever seen

    And I went straight home to get to work
    setting up my master machine all shiny new
    it powered up in a moment or two
    but needed more things downloaded and to do
    my nights came too soon to open a new word file

    Somehow time went by faster than I hoped
    before I typed the very first single word
    there were games to be played and best friends heard
    that my new blogsites had to be set up and toured
    meanwhile all my novel ideas went stale & forgotton in a pile

    My friend sold her third book last week and
    asked me how my writing was getting on
    I panicked and ran for my stack
    but sadly couldn't keep track
    where all my time or computer memory had gone

    Maybe I just needed a new computer....

    ReplyDelete
  39. 12 Tasks of Writing
    (To the tune of 12 Days of Christmas)

    On the twelfth day of revisions, my editor demanded of me
    Twelve chapters chopped up,
    Eleven emotions elucidated,
    Ten fingers flying,
    Nine scenes restructured,
    Eight new pages churned out,
    Seven grammar rules broken,
    Six sentences stricken,
    Five plot points mapped,
    Four character arcs,
    Three P-O-Vs,
    Two genres melded,
    And a great query on an agent’s desk!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Tune: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

    Grandma got wrung over 'bout her career
    Writing’s a syndrome hard to perceive.
    You can say there’s no such need for commas,
    But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

    She’d been plotting too much prologue.
    And her pitch had reached a low.
    But she queried in desperation,
    And she staggered to the mailbox for a No.

    When we found her the next morning,
    At the scene of the climax.
    There were font prints on her forehead,
    With punctuatin’ clause marks: No flashbacks.

    Oh, Grandma got wrung over 'bout her career
    Writing’s a syndrome hard to perceive.
    You can say there’s no such need for commas,
    But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

    ReplyDelete
  41. To the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas:

    Have yourself a merry little day job
    Grow your IRA
    Don’t forget
    An offer could be miles away

    Have yourself a merry little day job
    Forty hours per week
    Then run home
    And type until your knuckles creak

    Here it is! What you’ve hustled for
    What you’ve suffered for so dear
    Wait… this advance covers two months’ rent
    Guess you’ll work another year.

    Through the years you’ll claw your way to midlist
    Klausner loves your work
    Your fanbase is family,
    bots, and trolling jerks

    So have yourself some merry little day job perks!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Sing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"

    Dashing to your desk,
    New ideas filling up your head,
    You have to write them down,
    Although you should be in bed.

    You reread chapter one,
    For the seventh hundred time,
    Dissecting every paragraph,
    And reworking every line.

    Oh,
    Write every day,
    Write every night,
    You just can't get enough.

    Query letters,
    Amazing hooks,
    Literary agents so tough!

    Oh,
    Write every day,
    Write every night,
    You just can't get enough.

    Publishing is a distant dream,
    But writing is your greatest love!

    Your brain begins to buzz,
    You're making progress now,
    Maybe it is 3 am,
    But you'll stay awake somehow.

    Do the adverbs sound too flat?
    Is the voice going to shine through?
    Are my characters jumping off the page?
    Should I just trash my chapter two?

    Oh,
    Write every day,
    Write every night,
    You just can't get enough.

    Query letters,
    Amazing hooks,
    Literary agents so tough!

    Oh,
    Write every day,
    Write every night,
    You just can't get enough.

    Publishing is a distant dream,
    But writing is your greatest love!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Plea
    (To the tune of ‘God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen)
    Receive ye kindly, Editors, this manuscript of mine.
    There’s tension in each paragraph and craft in every line;
    So though I’ve labored long in vain to make this query shine,
    Please read the sample pages below, pages below,
    Please read the sample pages below.
    -Joanna H

    ReplyDelete
  44. To- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

    Agents sing

    God help you who do query me to edit all those words.
    Your adjectives are killing me, your premise is absurd.
    I do not need to know your size and first name of your bird.
    One more edit, and I might ask for more, maybe a full.
    One more edit, and I might ask for more.

    Writers sing

    God help me with this query please an agent I would love.
    Please send her massive love for me from heaven up above.
    I want to sell this manuscript so give her a small shove.
    Its hard waiting, I want to hold my book, before I die.
    Its hard waiting, I want to hold my book.

    Agents sing

    Dear writer who did query me I will not read your book.
    My guidelines are up plain to see, did you give them a look?
    I do not rep this genre and your query had no hook.
    I want writers to look at my web site. Don’t waste my time.
    I want writers to look at my web site.

    Writers sing

    Dear agent who did reject me I learned my lesson well.
    When I finished my new story, my head began to swell.
    My mother said she loved it and my dad said so as well.
    I thought fiction could be a million words, if they were good.
    I thought fiction could be a million words.

    Agents sing

    God help me through these queries please, I do not want to snark.
    A manuscript I’d like to see that won’t sit up and bark.
    I’m drowning in these queries and I soon may need an ark.
    I need stories, well written with a hook, not a tired trend.
    I need stories well written with a hook.

    Writers sing

    God help me send this query please, a new book I did write.
    When I revised this manuscript, deleting I did fight.
    But common sense won out in time and now the writings tight.
    I did research and found the right web sites and the blogs too.
    I did research and found the right web sites.

    Agents sing

    Dear writer would you send to me you story via mail?
    Your writing did not suck you see, your hook, it did not fail.
    I’m sure we’ll have revisions but in time we will prevail.
    Here’s a contract, now I will sell you book, using your hook.
    Here’s a contract, now I will sell your book.

    ReplyDelete
  45. (These are great! I'm on vacation with a sketchy connection so I hope this works...)

    "Oh Manuscript" (to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree")

    Oh Manuscript, oh manuscript,
    How lovely are thy pages.


    Your conflict's clear -- right from the start,
    Your characters -- show strength and heart,

    Your ending so -- sublime and deep
    Would even make -- an agent weep.

    Oh Manuscript, oh manuscript,
    How lovely are thy pages.


    Your premise has -- the mass appeal
    To get a rec -- ord breaking deal

    And with your fresh -- and modern twist
    You'll make the Times' -- Bestsellers List.

    Oh Manuscript, oh manuscript,
    How lovely are thy pages.


    I lay you in -- your envelope
    And send you off -- on wings of hope.

    Oh Manuscript, oh manuscript,
    How lovely are thy pages.

    ReplyDelete
  46. (second entry)

    "Ho-hum the Boring Query" (to the tune of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer)

    Ho-hum the boring query,
    had a bland, generic hook,
    and if you ever saw it,
    you would know you'd hate the book.

    All of the other queries
    had at least a smidge of spunk,
    but Ho-hum the boring query
    Abso-positively stunk.

    ReplyDelete
  47. To O' Christmas Tree: O' Contract Please

    Oh, Lauren dear, oh Lauren dear,
    When will my book deal get here?

    Oh, Lauren dear, oh Lauren dear,
    When will my book deal get here?

    I've read advice from Miss Snark.
    I've submitted twice to Query Shark.

    Oh, Lauren dear, oh Lauren dear,
    When will my book deal get here?

    ReplyDelete
  48. Writer's Block: O Come O Come Inspiration
    By Amy J. (not actually a romance writer!)

    O come, o come inspiration,
    And give my tale romantic action!
    Cate mourns in lonely spinsterhood,
    While Robert waits, who loved her from boyhood.
    Thinking! Thinking! Inspiration
    Shall come to me, now, introspection!

    O come, o come, Lord Westenbury fall,
    In love with Catherine at the squire's ball.
    Escort our heroine on a gentle drive
    In thy curricle, and for her hand connive!
    Thinking! Thinking! Inspiration
    Is coming, now, deliberation!

    O come, o come, o difficulties,
    True love must conquer other beauties.
    Who long for Westenbury's hand,
    And scheme to be the Lady o'er his land!
    Thinking! Thinking! Inspiration,
    Please come to me, there's desperation.

    O come, o come, a wedding will cure
    Lord Westenbury's rakish lures.
    But oh! A twist! Catherine sees sense,
    And will not tolerate his mistress.
    Thinking! Thinking! Inspiration,
    You've come to me: She's found gumption!

    O come, o come, our Catherine turns to Rob,
    Though not a peer, he's rich as a nabob.
    Lord Westenbury, robbed of his bride,
    Stabs himself; “I loved you, Cate!” he cried.
    Rejoice! Rejoice! Inspiration
    Has come! It's Regency perfection!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Edward the High School Vamipire
    (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

    Edward the high school vampire
    had a very shiny skin.
    And when the pre-teens saw it,
    they would fall in love with him.

    All of the other vampires
    used to laugh and call him names.
    They never let poor Edward
    bat in any baseball games.

    Then one corny climax scene
    Bella came to say:
    "Edward with your fangs so bright,
    won't you bite my neck tonight!"

    Then all the vampires loved him
    as they shouted out in glee,
    Edward the high school vampire,
    you'll go down in history!


    from Mark in the Seattle area

    ReplyDelete
  50. Wow! I'm impressed by all the talent and creativity of this group! Here's my first one:

    Tune of: Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer

    Rose of the small-town stories, has a lot of bright ideas,
    And, if you've ever read them,
    you would know just how she feels.
    All of the other agents
    wouldn't take the time to look,
    So, Rose hopes this song will get her,
    at least a little helpful hook.

    Then, if Laura picks this song,
    I hope she'll choose to say:
    "Rose, with your ideas so bright,
    Won't you send a query tonight?"

    Then all the publishers will love it.
    And they'll all shout out with glee,
    "Rose, of the small-town story,
    You'll go down in history."

    Song with descants:

    Rose of the small town stories,
    has a lot of bright ideas (like a Christmas star)
    And, if you ever read them,
    you would know just how she feels. (like in Mitford)
    All of the other agents wouldn't take the time to look (sob, sob)
    So, Rose hopes this song will get her at least a little helpful hook. (and a contract)

    Then if Laura picks this song,
    I hope she'll choose to say:
    "Rose, with your ideas so bright,
    Won't you send a query tonight?"

    Then all the publishers will love it, (a bidding war!)
    And they'll all shout out with glee, (yippee)
    "Rose, of the small-town story,
    You'll go down in history!" (like Shakespeare!)

    ReplyDelete
  51. I think I should have labeled my entry from "Rose of the red face." Please change first line of the chorus to:
    Then if Lauren picks this song...

    ReplyDelete
  52. Sung in a come-hither voice (imagine Eartha Kitt or Marilyn Monroe) to SANTA BABY:

    Agent lady, just slip a contract under the tree
    For me
    Been an awful good writer
    Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

    Agent lady, a significant two-book deal, too,
    From you
    I’ll wait up for you dear
    Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

    Think of all the clichĆ©s I’ve snubbed
    Think of all the first drafts that I haven’t subbed
    Next year I could be just as good
    If you’d help me become debut pub’d

    Agent lady, I want a shot
    And really that's not
    A lot
    Been writing hard all year
    Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

    Agent honey, there’s one thing I really do need,
    Please read
    My proposal and pages
    Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

    Agent lady, promise there will be no more rejects,
    Just checks
    Sign your 'X' on the line
    Agent lady, and hurry to my mailbox tonight

    Come and rep my manuscript
    Don’t ever say “It’s just not right for me”
    I really do believe in you
    Let's see if you believe in me

    Agent lady, forgot to mention one little thing,
    Ka-Ching
    I’d like a bidding war
    Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight
    Hurry to my mailbox tonight
    Hurry ... tonight

    ReplyDelete
  53. Candy Canes in the Keyboard
    (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

    Dashing through the words, twenty-eight pages today,
    O’er the characters I stomp, I’ve got a lot to say,
    Fingers punching out this thing, write it all tonight,
    O what fun it is to munch and write, write, write, write, write.

    (Chorus)
    Candy canes in the keyboard, turkey all the way,
    O what fun it is to yap on an eggnog splattered day,
    Candy canes in the keyboard, rum sauce and cabernet,
    O what fun it is to yak over truffles on Christmas Day.

    An hour or two ago, the truth I must tell,
    I waddled out to the store, and on my caboose I fell,
    A New York agent was riding by toward the Hudson Bay,
    And when he fell, too, in cranberry fondue, in his ear I had to say…

    (Chorus)
    Candy canes in the keyboard, mincemeat all the way.
    O what fun it is to yap on an eggnog splattered day,
    Candy canes in the keyboard, gingerbread all the way.
    O what fun it is to feast on Christmas Day.

    An hour or two ago, I suffered writer’s block,
    But soon Miss Pumpkin Pie was making table talk.
    My novel felt lean and lank; misfortune seemed my lot;
    Maybe the plotline stank, and I lost my train of thought.

    (Chorus)
    Candy canes in the keyboard, mincemeat made it right.
    O what fun it is to yap on an eggnog splattered day.
    Candy canes in the keyboard, dressing all the way.
    O what fun it is to feast on Christmas Day.

    ReplyDelete
  54. To be sung to the tune of:

    I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

    I want a literary agent for Christmas
    Only a literary agent will do
    Don’t want perfume, no hand knitted socks
    I want a literary agent who is clever as a fox

    I want a literary agent for Christmas
    I don’t think Santa will mind, do you?
    She can ride in Santa’s sleigh,
    creep down the chimney too
    Just stick a bow on her head,
    that’s all you’ve got to do

    I can see me now on Christmas morning,
    sneaking down the stairs
    Oh what joy and what surprise
    when I open up my eyes
    And see an agent standing there

    I want a literary agent for Christmas
    Only a literary agent will do
    No more rejects, no manuscript reviseses
    I only like literary agentses
    And literary agentses would like me too

    Mom says an agent only wants my dough,
    Publisher says an agent is the only way to go

    There’s lot of room upon your list to sign me as a client
    I’d be your favorite client and diligently reliant
    I can see me now on Christmas morning,
    sneaking down the stairs
    Oh what joy and what surprise
    when I open up my eyes
    And see an agent standing there

    I want a literary agent for Christmas
    Only a literary agent will do
    No more rejects, no manuscript reviseses
    I only like literary agentses
    And literary agentses would like me too!

    ReplyDelete
  55. From JAMS420
    to Jingle Bells

    Dashing through the blogs
    Instead of writing my book,
    How quick the brain soon clogs
    with tips on the perfect hook!
    It’s time to write a query
    ‘Cause I’ve read all the tips,
    But oh how I’ll grow weary
    Without first a Starbucks trip!

    What will sell? What will sell?
    I’m wringing my hands!
    Fantasy, some Mystery
    or a regency romance.
    P-O-D, self-marketing,
    or ebooks cheap and fast,
    Sure is tough to try and decide
    which newest trends will last.

    So many Tweets to follow
    There’s no time to write,
    My plot outline’s still hollow
    But my Kindle’s a delight!
    My author website’s done,
    on Facebook I’m soarin’,
    Oh what fun if I have won
    a query crit from Lauren.

    What will sell? What will sell?
    I’m wringing my hands!
    Fantasy, some Mystery
    or a regency romance.
    Publishing, self-marketing,
    or e-books cheap and fast,
    Sure is tough to try and decide
    which newest trends will last.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Novel Sells (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

    The holidays are here with parties every night.

    But I can find no cheer. My plotline is a fright.

    My hubby yells, “Let’s go! We’re thirty minutes late.”

    And I yell back, “I’ll meet you there. I’m killing off Aunt Kate.”

    Oh, type it fast, muse won’t last, bring me chocolate fudge.
    I’m utilizing Butt In Chair, I really cannot budge.

    Fingers fly. Days go by. Did everybody leave?
    I’ll get the tree up when I can, it’s only Christmas Eve.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Untitled to the tune of Good King Wenceslaus

    Tune of Good King Wenceslaus

    I just spent the last two years Writing my first novel.

    Lost the wife, the car, the house. Now live in a hovel.

    It could be a New York Time’s Number one or better.

    But alas it’s fate now rests In my query leh-he-ter.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Sparky the Balrog (to the tune of Frosty the Snowman)

    Sparky the Balrog is a myth of Tolkein’s Tales
    He was dark and vile but the dwarves they smile
    When they think of how he wails

    Sparky the Balrog was a melancholy soul
    With a whips and wings and wicked things that truly took a toll

    There must have been some magic in that old staircase he found
    For when he followed it up and up the carnage did abound

    Oh, Sparky the Balrog was as glad as he could be
    For the dwarves they ran and they orcs they cried and it was all a stress you see

    Sparky the Balrog knew that warriors would come and end his play
    So he said, in a voice so cruel, just let them come my way!

    Down in the dungeon with a broadsword in his hand
    Running here and there all around the mountain singing kill me if you can

    He waited in the dank and gloom and waited for his prey
    And he only shuddered once we think when rumors said Gandolf comes today!

    ReplyDelete
  59. I Have a Little Query (to the tune of "I Have a Little Dreidel")

    I have a little query
    I made it with my brain
    And now I've sent it out there
    Well, I think I'm going insane

    Oh, query, query, query
    Then query once again
    But if you don’t wannna go crazy
    You better learn some Query Zen

    I have a little query
    I’ve been waiting quite a while
    When will my little query
    Rise to the top of that slush pile?

    Oh, query, query, query
    Then query once again
    But if you don’t wannna go crazy
    You better learn some Query Zen

    I have a little query
    Hope it has a real nice trip
    But I’m all done obsessing
    I’m gonna focus on my wip.

    Oh, query, query, query
    Then query once again
    And if you don’t wannna go crazy
    You better learn some Query Zen

    ReplyDelete
  60. I already posted my entries, but wanted to comment on how fun this contest is. There are some very clever and entertaining people hanging out in this neighborhood!

    ReplyDelete
  61. BELIEVE – Josh Groban (Polar Express)

    Baby is napping,
    Fingers madly typing.
    Words are spilling,
    Like tears from my baby.

    I’ve been dreaming,
    But not since second grade.
    But word by word, I’ve,
    Had my craft to learn.

    When it seems the muse has slipped away,
    I find it all again on my first page.

    Believe in what your heart is saying,
    Hear the words inside you beating.
    There’s no easy way.
    There’s so much you want to say.

    Believe in what Strunk n White says inside,
    And give your plot the words to fly.
    You have all the Maas books to read,
    If you just believe.


    Laundry is calling,
    Cheese cake is burning.
    Presents need wrapping,
    Like my rugs need vacuuming.

    My kids have been dreaming,
    Since they got off the bus.
    For snacks and drinks since,
    They claim they are starving.

    When it seems that life gets in the way,
    Remember that your family takes first place.

    Believe in what your words are saying,
    Trust in your plot layering.
    There’s no easy way.
    The house needs cleaned today.

    Believe in what agent blogs say inside,
    And don’t send gifts or choooocolate.
    Believe in what your book says inside
    And let your query fly.
    And let your query fly.
    Let your query fly.
    If you let it fly.
    Just fly.
    Just fly.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Will you read what I wrote? - (By Catspit -Do you see what I see?)

    Said the writer to the mighty agent
    Will you read what I wrote?
    Eighty thousand words mighty agent
    Will you read what I wrote?
    My sci fi novel, set in a future land
    It's the first of a tri-lo-gy
    It's the first of a tri-lo-gy

    Said the agent to the great pub-lisher
    Will you read what I read?
    It's a wonderful book great publisher
    Will you read what I read?
    You know, this book, it could fly off from the shelves
    It could make us all household names
    It could make us all household names

    Said the publisher to the printer man
    Can you print what I have?
    I need a million copies printer man
    Can you print what I have?
    The book, the book, it must be on the shelves
    By the end of this fiscal year
    By the end of this fiscal year

    Said the critic to people everywhere
    Listen to what I say
    Don't read this book, people anywhere
    Listen to what I say
    these words, these words, eighty thousand words
    They will give you acid reflux
    They will give you acid reflux

    ReplyDelete
  63. TO: DECK THE HALLS

    Deck the halls with your query letter,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
    You keep writing, you’ll get better,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.

    I’m an agent, I crush dreams,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
    Getting published -- even harder than it seems,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.

    Ten thousand queries I’ve gotten this year,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
    You really stink, just as you fear,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.

    So thanks for your interest, it’s not you, it’s me,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
    What that means is it’s you, it’s not me,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.

    Back to your laptop you must streak,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
    Keep on working, the story’s really weak,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.

    A year from now, another query you may lob,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
    Just make sure you keep your day job,
    No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Rose here again, but this time not for myself. A friend has been trying to post since yesterday without any luck, so she sent me a copy and I will post for her instead of posting a second one of my own. Her name is Loretta G.

    To the tune of: "Winter Wonderland"

    New York calls,
    Oh, how thrilling,
    More revisions,
    Are you willing?
    An encouraging sound,
    A little let down,
    Writing in a writers' wonderland.

    Gone away are the rejections,
    Here to stay are the acceptations,
    The work was so long,
    Our minds are nearly gone,
    Writing in a writers' wonderland.

    In the novel we'll create a character,
    Then pretend his name is Jot 'Em Down.

    He'll say: Are you published?
    We'll say: Not yet,
    But you can do the honors
    When you come around.

    Later on, we'll be inspired,
    As we hear that we're hired,
    We'll read our contract,
    For our classic hardback,
    Writing in a writers' wonderland.

    In the novel we'll create a character,
    And pretend that he's the best around
    We'll have lots of hope for our bestseller,
    Until all the agents turn him down.

    When we write, ain't it telling,
    Though our brains need some caring,
    We'll craft and compose,
    The way a published author knows,
    Writing in a writers' wonderland.

    ReplyDelete
  65. 2nd submission
    (To the Tune of Angels We Have Heard on High)


    Agents, we have heard them sigh
    Authors please, please, get it right
    And the authors in reply
    Editing their queries to delight

    Querying in excess is a no-no
    Querying in excess is a no-no

    Publishers tell us what you see
    What kind of story makes you sing?
    I am begging on bended knee
    For you to take a chance on me

    Querying in excess is a no-no
    Querying in excess is a no-no

    I don’t care how much I’m paid
    I’m not looking for a raise
    Publishers, Agents lend your aid
    Writing for me is not a phase

    ReplyDelete
  66. Here's my 2nd entry :)

    To the tune of All I Want for Christmas (by Mariah Carey)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5bo4VDEH-U (link to the song on YouTube)

    I don’t want a lot for my writing
    There is just one thing I need
    I don’t care about the fame and fortune
    That’s just a bunch of chicken feed
    I just want an agent for my own
    Something you probably already know
    Make my wish come true
    All I want for my writing is
    You

    I don’t want a lot for my writing
    There is just one thing I need
    Don’t care about the fame and fortune
    That’s just a bunch of chicken feed
    I don’t need to self pub my story
    With no predator vanity press
    Self pubbing won’t make me happy
    When I have to pay them all that stinking cash
    I just want an agent for my own
    Something you probably already know
    Make my wish come true
    All I want for my writing is
    You

    I won’t ask for much to be a client
    I don’t even want too much of your time
    I’m just gonna keep on hoping
    You catch me while I’m still in my prime
    I won’t call you a hundred times a day
    Or spam you with lots of Internet mail
    I won’t even bug you when
    My writing starts to go a little stale
    ‘Cause I just want an agent to call
    And say she loves my YA scrawl
    What more can I do
    Agent, all I want for my writing is you
    Ooh agent
    All the ideas are flowing
    Gushing out everywhere
    And the plans for marketing
    Fills up those empty gaps between my ears
    And my heart is singing
    I dream the phone is ringing
    Will my writing bring me the agent I need
    Won’t it please bring my agent to me…

    Oh, I don’t want a lot for my writing
    This is all I’m asking for
    I just want to hear an agent
    Speaking on the other side of the telephone cord
    Oh I just want you for my own
    Something you probably already know
    Make my wish come true
    Agent all I want for my writing is…
    You

    All I want for my writing is…you...agent (keep repeating and fade out :)

    ReplyDelete
  67. The Twelve Days of Christmas


    On the First Query I sent,
    the agent said to me,
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Second Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Third Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Fourth Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    This has been done.
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Fifth Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    Vampires are DEAD!
    This has been done.
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Sixth Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    Don’t quit your day job.
    Vampires are DEAD!
    This has been done.
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Seventh Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    I wanted to love it...
    Don’t quit your day job.
    Vampires are DEAD!
    This has been done.
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Eight Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    It’s not right for me.
    I wanted to love it...
    Don’t quit your day job.
    Vampires are DEAD!
    This has been done.
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Ninth Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    Another Twilight?!?
    It’s not right for me.
    I wanted to love it...
    Don’t quit your day job.
    Vampires are DEAD!
    This has been done.
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Tenth Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    Get thee to the shark.
    Another Twilight?!?
    It’s not right for me.
    I wanted to love it...
    Don’t quit your day job.
    Vampires are DEAD!
    This has been done.
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Eleventh Query I sent,
    the agent said to me
    Have any other novels?
    Get thee to the shark.
    Another Twilight?!?
    It’s not right for me.
    I wanted to love it...
    Don’t quit your day job.
    Vampires are DEAD!
    This has been done.
    What’s the hook?
    You need zombies.
    This is a form rejection.

    On the Twelve Query I sent,
    my agent said to me
    This is something new!
    You had me at vampire.
    Your voice resonates.
    Your prose really flows.
    What a clever twist.
    Absolutely love it.
    What else do you have?
    U R B A N F A N T A S Y
    You know your market.
    Send author bio.
    Love the premise.
    Please send a full right now!
    (and can I have an exclusive?)

    Catherine Misener

    ReplyDelete