TITLE: THE MIND'S I
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
The young man floated, leaving his body far beneath him. Mind travel. It no longer frightened him to have mind and body separated. Now, he only felt exhilaration as his essence sped across physical boundaries rendered meaningless by his gift.
Distance was a concept that had no meaning in this realm of the mind. He could be anywhere - he was tempted to say, 'in the blink of an eye' - but his eyes were left behind. Strange, because he could see, he could feel. He experienced everything just as if his body remained with him.
He went anywhere he pleased. All he had to do was think of it and he was there. He had seen many wonders - Egyptian pyramids, African plains and, his favorite, the New York City skyline. All was possible. There was no up or down. There simply was a pure state of being where every experience flowed over and through him.
The young man had been everywhere using mind travel; been everywhere even though his physical body had never been more than a few hundred miles from the town of his birth.
But he had begun to experience a feeling of dread.
Mind travel was what he used to seek out new experiences. But the feeling was unmistakable.
Something was now seeking him.
While you do a good job of explaining some of the nuances of mind travel here, this feels way to expositiony for a story opener, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing this is leading up to a tense moment (or mind chase scene of some kind)? I would suggest starting there, and layer in some of this explanation for context.
That way your opening hook is a touch stronger, but we don't lose the concise explanation you give us here.
Quite an interesting concept but it felt more like an information dump than anything else. I wanted to explore the scene more and as a reader - feel him 'float'.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you can give the reader an idea of where he was floating in the first paragraph with a description of where he was, what he saw, etc from his perspective.
I would remove the fourth paragraph as the text was just a repetition of the second - filled with information we already knew.
In addition, perhaps another term, such as 'astral projection' might be better, float isn't really evocative of anything.
Great last sentence!
ReplyDeleteLike above comments, though, it did feel a little "explain-y" earlier on.
Interesting idea! I wonder what is seeking him...
It reads like a prologue to me which is usually a no-no (according to some) but I think it works here. If I was thrust into a scene where a kid was out of his body I would be so confused that I would probably stop reading (I am not the cleverest mammal). So, I think to take the opening 250 and explain what it happening (I asume conflict will follow) works for me in this case. I would read on to see where it was going.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a good idea here, and I like how you end it with something seeking him. It's a good hook. But I do think it would be stronger. You're telling everything to the reader in a detached 3rd POV, almost omniscient at times. Personally, I'd rather be experience it with the MC by having you show it to us instead of just telling us.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Though I felt distanced because you didn't give him a name. Not sure why you want to keep that secret.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
Hi! I agree with the other commenters, and will second Margot's point - I want to root for the main character, and to be scared for him when he gets into danger (which, as your last line indicates, will happen very soon!), but right now I don't know enough about him to really get attached to him. I think humanizing him a bit more (ie, giving him a name, voice, personality, etc - like maybe you can expand the paragraph about his international travels by explaining why NYC in particular appealed to him) might help us connect to him better.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea, though, and I definitely want to see what happens next!
The concept is fascinating to me and full of dramatic possibilities that I can only guess at now. But, I would want to go on reading for that reason and also because I find the writing that is here to be very strong. The end hook is enough for me to turn the page. It is ominous and promises more to come. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI find the subject facinating so all the information didn't bother me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could trim a sentence or two and insert the MC's name. But I would definitely read on.
Good luck!
While the premise is interesting, the writing did not draw me in. I did not get a sense of what it is like to leave your body behind or what the MC is like.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the descriptions felt a little cliche and like they were from a book about New Age spiritual healing or something. EX: his essence sped across physical boundaries...pure state of being...etc
That said, I think you could have a cool thriller here with this interesting premise. Best of luck and thanks for sharing this!
I'm echoing some of the comments above: I think the main character's name should be used in the first sentence. And in the fourth paragraph you could work in his age: "X was only Y years old, but already had been everywhere..." Finally, I do appreciate your revealing the challenge so early on.
ReplyDelete