TITLE: Dias De Los Muertos: Days of the Dead
GENRE: Middle Grade
When Nato’s abusive father dies, Nato is left as the reluctant head of his dysfunctional household. And when an ancient Aztec curse threatens to destroy Nato and the rest of his family, Nato realizes he must make things right or suffer the death curse that has haunted his family for centuries.
You give us information we don't need (the father is abusive), and information that confuses: the curse threatens to destroy his family. Why the sudden change, or did he just learn about the curse? If the latter, and I suspect the latter, you could do a:
ReplyDeleteUpon the death of his step father, Nato learns of an ancient Aztec curse which has claimed the heads of his family for generations. He must set things right before he two becomes its victim.
Something like that, only better.
I actually liked knowing Nato had to become head if the household. My only issue is that "make things right" is a little vague. I think if you specify what he must do you'll have a strong logline!
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty good, but I think you could tweak it a bit. I feel like you use Nato's name a lot. I also think for MG it helps to put the MC's age (is he 10 or 14?).
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like: When his abusive father dies, x-yr-old Nato is left as the reluctant head of his household. And when an ancient Aztec curse threatens to destroy what's left of his family, Nato realizes he must *specific action* or suffer the death curse that has haunted his family for centuries.
I love the premise, though, and I'd totally read it. Good luck!
Without knowing this is middle grade, I don't know how old Nato is. Also you name him four times in this logline so I think there is room to re-word/tighten. I would also replace "make things right" with something more specific.
ReplyDeleteAgree about making things right. Also, if you are going to make him reluctant in the setup, you need to set his ass on fire when you incite his goal or we won't think he really wants to achieve it,
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Agreed about wanting to know the age and the vagueness of making things right.
ReplyDeleteK Callard's suggestion is pretty good!
Very interesting premise, haven't seen anything like this before. Good job.
I like the premise a lot, too. It's fun to see a Aztec culture brought into a story.
ReplyDeleteThe only part that tripped me up was 'he must make things right,' as that is vague. Anything specific you could plug in there?
Love the premise, too! Also agree, "makes things right" is too vague. Give us specifics - he must get his mother to admit his father abused him, find the lost Aztec Sun Stone, return the cursed Aztec stone jaguar, something. I like this, but you could make us love it with more specifics and less background. Don't give up!
ReplyDeleteCould cut one of the uses of his name, and specify what he must make right, etc. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments already written. This logline is nearly there and does a good job at making the story sound interesting. I would like to add that I really didn't like the second sentence starting with AND. Not sure how I would reword it though.
ReplyDeleteNeat premise! I like the way K Callard revised it (I leave the sentence starting with And up to you). My only question was whether or not the Aztec curse was why his father died. No need to answer it in the log line, but if that's the case, it makes the threat for the reluctant hero even more real.
ReplyDeleteYes, more details about what exactly he needs to do to "make things right." But it sounds unique and interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe name kept throwing me off. Nato is the acronym for the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, the group that sends its forces into other countries to keep the peace.
ReplyDeleteI also wondered about the curse. Has the curse been affecting his family for years, or does it just crop up after his father's death? And if so, why?
Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions to help strengthen my logline! Barbara, Nato is short for Fortunato, a fairly common Spanish name (and pronounced NOT-o instead of NATE-o), but I can and should use his full name in this logline so readers aren't confused and so the irony of his full name in juxtaposition to his situation can be noted. :) I so appreciate all of your thoughts and comments!!
ReplyDeleteHere's a revised logline; would love to hear thoughts/comments:
ReplyDeleteThirteen-year-old Fortunato is left as the reluctant head of his dysfunctional family when his abusive father dies. After finding a 500-year-old journal, Fortunato learns of an ancient Aztec curse that threatens to destroy him and the rest of his family. Can he pacify the ghost of a murdered Aztec woman by replacing the artifact his ancestor stole, or will the death curse that has haunted his family for centuries claim Fortunato as well?
Thanks so much!!