This sounds like fun and it sets up the situation well, but I got hung up in a couple of places. Is she dead or was it a near fatal accident? And don't tell me she's quirky; show me with a well-chosen detail.
This sounds like a book I'd enjoy! I had the same problem with the logline as Abbe (above). It seemed as if your protag is dead (the accident was fatal) and the story takes place in an afterlife, but I wasn't sure. What I'd like to know are the stakes. Why is the protag taking on this fight? How does it matter to her if she wins or loses? Good luck!
Whoa, not quite sure what kind of book this is supposed to be. So many ideas and (to me) they don't fit together coherently. What significance does this "primeval paradise" have? What does a Nazi want with a "primeval paradise" anyway? You could even cut out the mention of the sexy demon, since it doesn't seem to have any role other than being the Nazi's minion. A little more emphasis on what the conflict is would be good, too. Those are just my opinions.
"quirky" sounds out of place coming beside a fatal accident and her becoming a wizard. I agree that the premise sounds like you could easily have a fun story on your hands. I agree with Holly that it'd help to know why she goes into conflict with the baddies, though.
So many things that sound like they don't go together at all. That could be great, but as is, with no specific conflict or stakes, it just sounds like a mess. I also don't get whether she's dead or not.
I'd advise you to replace "quirky teenage girl" with her name and age. Just makes it feel less generic. And I agree - why does she want to or have to save the primeval paradise? To clarify the death issue, you could say that your MC "comes back to life as" instead of "wakes up as" a wizard. I agree - all the disparate elements definitely make this intriguing!
This walks a line between fun and confusing for me. I wonder if you could make a few connections between the fun elements you have in your logline so the pieces make more sense.
It's hard to make suggestions without knowing your story, but maybe 'to save the primeval paradise of her afterlife' or 'a Nazi sorcerer who's been waiting for an undead opponent' or SOMETHING.
I think you could drop 'sexy demon.' It doesn't add much to the plot and edges towards cliche.
I'm all about quirky, evil Nazi's and sexy demons, but while this does interest me, you can do better!
Try the "when" method: When an accident transforms sixteen-year-old Eva into a wizard, she's thrown into an alternate universe, a primeval paradise ruled by Space Nazi's. The sorcerer does his thing, she must do her thing, and if she doesn't, she gets another funeral. Or something like that.
I don't get the correlation between dying and waking up as a wizard. I liked DJ's idea for the first sentence.
For me, this is an instance of too much voice in a log line. Quirky, primeval, sexy and Nazi are a bit too much in one sentence. I'm assuming you use the word Nazi to make the reader think of Hitler, but, personally, I'd rather he was just an evil sorcerer.
This sounds like fun and it sets up the situation well, but I got hung up in a couple of places. Is she dead or was it a near fatal accident? And don't tell me she's quirky; show me with a well-chosen detail.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a book I'd enjoy! I had the same problem with the logline as Abbe (above). It seemed as if your protag is dead (the accident was fatal) and the story takes place in an afterlife, but I wasn't sure. What I'd like to know are the stakes. Why is the protag taking on this fight? How does it matter to her if she wins or loses?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Whoa, not quite sure what kind of book this is supposed to be. So many ideas and (to me) they don't fit together coherently. What significance does this "primeval paradise" have? What does a Nazi want with a "primeval paradise" anyway? You could even cut out the mention of the sexy demon, since it doesn't seem to have any role other than being the Nazi's minion. A little more emphasis on what the conflict is would be good, too. Those are just my opinions.
ReplyDeleteWhy? Why? Why? You must tell us why she does this and why she can't lose.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
She died? Some one else dies? And why does being a wizard obligate her to fight this sorcerer, or does she choose to and why?
ReplyDelete"quirky" sounds out of place coming beside a fatal accident and her becoming a wizard. I agree that the premise sounds like you could easily have a fun story on your hands. I agree with Holly that it'd help to know why she goes into conflict with the baddies, though.
ReplyDeleteSo many things that sound like they don't go together at all. That could be great, but as is, with no specific conflict or stakes, it just sounds like a mess. I also don't get whether she's dead or not.
ReplyDeleteHaha, if the book has the same quirky tone as this log line, it sounds like fun! This would win me over.
ReplyDeleteI'd advise you to replace "quirky teenage girl" with her name and age. Just makes it feel less generic. And I agree - why does she want to or have to save the primeval paradise? To clarify the death issue, you could say that your MC "comes back to life as" instead of "wakes up as" a wizard. I agree - all the disparate elements definitely make this intriguing!
ReplyDeleteThis walks a line between fun and confusing for me. I wonder if you could make a few connections between the fun elements you have in your logline so the pieces make more sense.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to make suggestions without knowing your story, but maybe 'to save the primeval paradise of her afterlife' or 'a Nazi sorcerer who's been waiting for an undead opponent' or SOMETHING.
I think you could drop 'sexy demon.' It doesn't add much to the plot and edges towards cliche.
I'm all about quirky, evil Nazi's and sexy demons, but while this does interest me, you can do better!
ReplyDeleteTry the "when" method: When an accident transforms sixteen-year-old Eva into a wizard, she's thrown into an alternate universe, a primeval paradise ruled by Space Nazi's. The sorcerer does his thing, she must do her thing, and if she doesn't, she gets another funeral. Or something like that.
Fun story!
I don't get the correlation between dying and waking up as a wizard. I liked DJ's idea for the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteFor me, this is an instance of too much voice in a log line. Quirky, primeval, sexy and Nazi are a bit too much in one sentence. I'm assuming you use the word Nazi to make the reader think of Hitler, but, personally, I'd rather he was just an evil sorcerer.
Is the sexy demon the love interest? Just wondering :) I agree with the comments above.
ReplyDelete