TITLE: Trustless Angel
GENRE: YA Fiction (fantasy)
“Rest in Peace,” the phrase is simple enough, but do we really want rest after death?
People retire in old age, which could be considered resting after a tiring life. So is it assumed that we want to continue that in the next life?
A person’s working age includes forty to fifty years, up to seventy if you include childhood and school. So you spend less than a quarter of life in retirement.
But in many beliefs, souls are immortal.
“Resting” for eternity. Comparing eternity to seventy years…wouldn’t that be like working mere minutes before entering an endless vacation?
Doesn’t that sound lazy, even boring?
Even if you are led to paradise and allowed to do as you wish. People grow tired of any indulgence when given enough of it. If a sweet lover ate candy every day, hate would eventually replace their love of it. The same can be said of any activity.
Immortality also negates necessity. You wouldn’t have to eat to survive. No major obligations could come from other immortal souls, so why do today what you can do millennia from now?
People can feel achieved and satisfied through work, but work without obligation isn’t considered work.
Wait… so can immortal souls work?
The opposite of work is rest.
By wishing Rest in Peace, are we wishing for the departed to spend eternity repeating actions that have lost any sense of satisfaction?
Amber L’Vera couldn’t help but ponder this as she thought back on the last few days.
All of the questions raised are fascinating to ponder and I did not feel they were intrusive or frustrating - criticisms I have heard before about posing questions at the beginning of a manuscript. Without even intorducing the character (until the end) you've already established her as a deep-thinker who would likely be a very interesting guide in the story to come. Given all that, I would certainly want to read on to discover what very unique situation she finds herself in.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I have to disagree with Daniel. The original question ("do we really want rest after death?") is fascinating and establishes Amber as a deep thinker. The belaboring of that question in the rest of the page felt like a lecture to the reader, rather than Amber's thoughts. Trust your readers--we can ponder the implications of the original question ourselves without almost a page of guidance!
ReplyDeleteI would cut everything but these lines:
Rest in Peace. The phrase is simple enough, but do we really want rest after death?
Amber L’Vera couldn’t help but ponder this as she thought back on the last few days.
I agree with Princess Sara, although I think you could maybe keep "By wishing Rest in Peace, are we wishing for the departed to spend eternity repeating actions that have lost any sense of satisfaction?"
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of the other "questioning" was just repeating the same thought and was a bit slow to read.
I have to agree that the questions felt redundant and bit like a lecture. I was totally thrown when the I read the last line. Maybe you could insert your character sooner, so I felt like I was in her head.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I agree with the comments above that the questions became redundant by the end of the page.
ReplyDeleteHaving your MC talking with a friend about this, or maybe even someone who disagrees with the MC about 'resting in peace' might make for a scene with interesting banter.
Good luck.
I like Chris's idea about discussing it with two characters. I hate to belabor what everyon else has already said, but it was disorienting having so many questions posed to the reader without knowing who was posing them. Then when you mentioned Amber I felt thrown for a loop. Try bantering with another character. This might help fix that. Good luck. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm with those who suggested cutting most of the questioning. As the beginning stands now, your character feels tacked on because there's no mention of her until that last sentence. If you're really attached to the opening ideas, spread them throughout the first chapter or two in the form of dialogue. Otherwise, they don't serve much of a purpose.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree with the others--cut back on the questioning. Even knowing this blog is not for writers of nonfiction, I wound up scrolling back up just to confirm a nonfiction entry didn't somehow slip in.
ReplyDeleteAnd where is Amber, and what happened to her to trigger her question(s)? I need some context, and would prefer to get at least some of it in those first 250 words. :)
Yep, I found myself skimming through the questions. This started to sound like a world religion text book intro. I wasn't hooked.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. It felt like an essay, not fiction. Pare down.
ReplyDeleteDitto to the comments above. I'm more interested in the last sentence. Why is the MC pondering this? What type of person is she? Her conflict?
ReplyDeleteDitto to the comments above. I'm more interested in the last sentence. Why is the MC pondering this? What type of person is she? Her conflict?
ReplyDeleteI also thought this was an essay. I have to admit to skimming as well. You don't want your reader skimming in just the first 250 words. Start with a simple opening like Princess Sara suggested and work your main character in right away. I like idea, but was a bit put off by the rhetorical questions.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with everyone else. I found myself skimming through the excerpt, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the novel. I will say, though, that the first question was engaging. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe deep questions might have been interesting if they didn't go on so much. It just felt laboured and repetitive. Also, I didn't think 'Rest in Peace' should have been included in the first sentence; it looked like it would sat better as a sentence on it's own, rather than comma'd in.
ReplyDeleteI switched off reading this. Less waxing philosophical -- I felt beat around the head with how 'deep' Amber is!
The questions are fascinating, but I think you'll want the reader to connect with Amber more quickly. Root us in the scene with some sensory details, and give us an idea of the conflict. We'll be more likely to get in Amber's head once we get to know her and her situation better.
ReplyDeleteI felt like the after-life pondering went on about four times longer than necessary. Also, introduce the MC by name almost immediately--it could have been done in the first line of this entry, and it would have given me more of a stake in the story.
ReplyDelete