TITLE: RELIC
GENRE: YA Fantasy
I’ve died this way before.
Before, I stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time. But now, from the burning in the stranger’s eyes, I know he has every intention of killing me.
I wonder, does he see her too?
Her name is Far. All my life, I have been haunted by memories. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them.
His footsteps behind me grow louder. When I try to push myself up from the forest floor, my chest smashes back to the ground.
The footsteps stop. I hear his breathing behind me. A heavy inhale. A slow, relaxed exhale. I can’t see him, but I think he’s smiling.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to recall how it feels to be stabbed. For once, the memories don’t come.
Of all the memories, Far's are the clearest, so close to the surface that sometimes I believe they’re my memories. That I am Far. That she is me.
Of course that can’t be true. Her tiara is my baseball cap. Her magical tattoos are my tan lines. Her creepy past-life sketches are my Shia Labeouf posters.
I’m not Far.
I’m not.
But I can’t let it go. I can’t convince myself that I’m my own, separate person when one crucial piece of evidence is missing: Far never died.
Wow. Excellent opening! I would definitely keep reading. The only thing that drew me out of the story is "For once, the memories don't come", and the very next sentence also talks about memories. If you could break that up a little or swap one of the words or something, I think it would be perfect. Absolutely loved this.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this story. I've read it before and the query so I know where it's going. The opening is well written and had me on edge. Love the voice, pacing and mystery. Great job and Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteVery nice opening. You present the thoughts of the main character without confusing the reader.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that Far may still be alive grants a hint of mystery that acts as a good hook. I found that much more interesting than her present situation.
I would keep reading, likely more for wanting to know of what is happening to this girl in the long run than wanting to know what happens while's shes on the floor.
I really like the line, "Her name is far." That's very cool. And I like the inside me/inside them puzzle. I'm so curious to find out what's going on here! :o)
ReplyDeleteI like this set-up, but not-Far's mind is doing an awful lot of wandering for someone who thinks she's about to be murdered, which reduced the urgency of the scene for me. I was also confused by the fact that not-Far starts out talking about having died before, but jumps straight from that to wondering about Far--who, you tell us later, didn't die. Why didn't her mind jump to the person who "died like this"?
ReplyDeleteI might cut out "I wonder, does he see her too?" and merge the "Her name is Far" paragraph with the "Of all the memories..." paragraph later on. Something like this:
For once, the memories don't come.
All my life, I have been haunted by them. There are thousands of memories and dozens of lives trapped inside me. Or maybe I am trapped inside them. I don’t know about magic or destiny or death. But they do. Far's memories are the clearest, so close to the surface that sometimes I believe they’re mine. That I am Far. That she is me.
Of course that can't be true.
I would read on.
Princess Sara said what I was going to. We have a character who believes she's about to be stabbed and she never cries out. Her heart isn't pounding. She doesn't think about who will miss her. Her thoughts about past lives give it a distant feel, like she's numb. I could understand if she's tired and ready to give up, but I don't know what happened before she entered the forest.
ReplyDeleteI was also confused about Far. At first she's thinking about all the times she died and how she used to be Far - maybe. Then she says Far never died. What?
That aside, I like your writing style. It has a ethereal quality I haven't seen before. I would read on just for that.
I really like this. I get what the others are saying about the MC thinking a lot of things when they're about to be killed, but it doesn't put me off. There are a lot of questions I have, but they're the type of questions that make me want to find out more. I would definitely read on. I want to know where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of this story a lot but it didn't hook me as strong as it should have because I got confused too many times. I think there is also some jumping around of tenses that may have added to my confusion.
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph you talk about the burning in the stranger's eyes. But then there are footsteps behind her...are these two people the same?
I think it would be great to interject the MC's thoughts about Far as he/she's contemplating her death but I think more of the emphasis needs to be placed on the present tense situation instead of where you have it (on the situation with Far).
I really like Princess Sara's rewrite of your beginning. It was everything you have, just in a less confusing way.
I would be very interested to read this since the premise is so intriguing. Good luck :)
I'm certainly intrigued by this opening. My most pressing question is--who narrates the book if this woman is killed? Does she continue on (along with the rest of the gang) in another person? I'd read more.
ReplyDelete