TITLE: Mountain Escape
GENRE: YA Fiction
It was Bryan Adams’ Summer of ’69. That’s what was playing when I lost my virginity. In the back of a pick-up truck. Stoned out of my mind. And I had just turned sixteen. Fortunately, I didn’t get any diseases or get pregnant, but I did enjoy the next few months. Immensely. When people say sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll are overrated, they’ve never lived. Too bad I got caught, several times. Too bad my parents set up an intervention to ruin my summer.
That’s how I ended up on a trail, in this God-forsaken valley, climbing six miles and 5,500 hundred feet to my new home and job. Sucks when the ‘rents have family willing to help out the wayward daughter. I wanted juvie, at least there I’d fit in with my black-lined eyes and heavy make-up, piercings, and cute tattoo.
I tripped over a stupid tree root and fell to my knees. Pain vibrated through my legs. This hiking thing was hard. It had been almost a year since I did anything physical, except run from the police.
“You okay, Adahlyn?” came the too-sweet voice of the pain-in-the-a**-straight-from-the-cornfield-wholesome girl who was hiking up with me.
“Fine,” I wheezed, trying to catch my breath.
“I think we should stop and rest.” She paused.
“No. I’m fine,” I protested, bending over and sucking wind. My chest felt like it would explode.
Interesting beginning with an authentic sounding voice that doesn't "try too hard" so that's a strength. I hope there is a self-realization arc to the character as that would make for a good read. I don't mind the character's flaws to begin the story as long as she gets to the point where she likewise realizes her life is a pile of crap and she is the chief shoveler. Unprotected sex with multimple partners, drugs and criminal behavior may sound romantic in fiction but in real life they lead to misery. If that is the revelation coming to her - and the inevitable self-respect that would follow - then I would happily go along for the ride.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice in this and I love the set up with the conflict right at the beginning. I'm sucked in and would definitely read on. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree - great YA voice!! I'm all about the dark and angsty main character and was instantly hooked!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely a great set up! Love the voice of this character and like Angie said, I love how you get us right into conflict up front. I'd be turing the page if there was one to turn :D Great job!
ReplyDeleteThere are a few lines and words that I think are a little too much. The "stupid" tree root sounds like you're trying to force teenage voice. And the juvie part was a little weird. If you want to keep that, I would reword the last part of the sentence. Also, the run from police part. That makes her seem a little.. un-relatable. You could crack a dirty joke though.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to read the first 250 without knowing what the entire novel is about LOL. I'm intrigued. The voice is there, but I really wish I knew where this was going. Good job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat start and voice. My only issue is when I read the first line, I thought the novel was based in the 80's. I had to check the genre because I thought this was an adult novel.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading. I want to know where this is headed, and I sense it's edgy YA--my favorite.
Good luck!
I'm intrigued by the set-up here! I'm guessing it's a girl-versus-nature-esque story? I'd love to see what happens when Adahlyn has to keep dealing with the elements... And I'm loving that there's already tension with her hiking-mate.
ReplyDeleteLike Anja, I was a bit caught off guard by the 'Summer of 69' reference. That song is definitely a classic, but I'm not sure if current teens are into it. And something about the voice almost sounded like an adult looking back at her teenage years instead of a teenage girl looking back a few months - maybe it was the tense you used in the first paragraph? I might start with the events in your second paragraph, which are rooted in present-day actions, and then refer back to Adahlyn's wild summer as the narration progresses. That way, we are right there with our narrator from the start, and we understand that she's a teen rather than a nostalgic adult.
Good luck!
This is a good set up, but I'm hearing too much of an adult voice. Also I'm curious as to why the good girl is with her. I assume the setting is one of those wilderness camps for wayward teens.
ReplyDeleteI'm really loving this intro! The voice is edgy and I love the snark of ypur MC. I would totally keep reading. :)
ReplyDeleteLove the unique concept here, and I was sucked right into the voice. I did stumble a little over "Summer of 69" as well--but that's a super easy fix.
ReplyDeleteWould definitely read on--I want to see where this goes and how the MC fares when completely out of her element. Plus, hiking = win. :)
I love the voice in this! Your premise and setting are unique. I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteI really love the voice here! There were a couple things that caught me off guard (like, do people still say "rents"?), but I really like the premise, and I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of a rebellious chick off kicking it in the mountains!! Your MC certainly stands out, and I want to read on to see what all she's done to land herself in such a predicament!! Such a great setting too.
ReplyDeleteI would reconsider the Summer of 69 and find maybe a song closer to the teen years...one that maybe doesn't have to date it but at the same time. Maybe it's some screamo song or something. I'd nix the stupid line bc you get her voice really well in the next "too sweet" or maybe make it "sugary sweet" voice.
I love these types of stories (what I'm assuming will be a version of: MC VS the wilderness... and herself) so I'm reading on! Agree with cutting out good ol' Bryan Adams. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteI assume this is going to be a redemption story at a "boot camp" for wayward teens sort of thing. That has a lot of possibilities and I would be interested. I think the voice is authentic and resonates. I would have to read the query to know for sure but I am wondering if you intentionally start her at such a low point in order to build her up by the end of the novel. I would have to caution that some transgressions are okay in the MC but if she is also strung out on drugs because she thinks they are also "cool" then I probably would put the book down. I think Bryan Adams Summer of '69 is too dated and also problematic simply because it gives a date in the title and it momentarily might cause some current readers who are YA age who never heard of Bryan Adams or that song to think this was historical.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the Bryan Adams song because it takes me back to the 80's, which is where I assume the story takes place. The whole intro has an 80's flavor to me- stoned, pick-up, boot camp for bad kids- which is great, except I guess for teens nowadays we might have to label it historical (sigh).
ReplyDeleteAt least our MC has good taste in music! And no acid-washed jeans- yet. Wherever this is going, I'm interested. The MC sounds smart and snarky and will obviously learn a lesson, but you can bet she's going to fight it all the way!
I really would like to read more of this. I just want to give her a hug, even though she would probably throat-punch me for it. :)
ReplyDeleteTwo things gave me pause - her name was a little difficult for me. I wasn't quite sure how to pronounce it. A simplified spelling perhaps?
Also, for a girl trying so hard to be tough, I'm not sure she'd use the word cute in describing her tattoo.
Minor fixes though.
Best of luck!
I didn't mind the Bryan Adams song but I'm not a teen :)
ReplyDeleteI thought the voice was strong but I didn't relate well to the MC. I found myself wishing someone would trip her.
I also didn't like the spelling of the name. Unique names are cool as long as the reader's brain doesn't have to pause to sound it out.
I think this story has a lot of possibilities. Even though I'm not into edgy YA I would probably read on because of the strong writing.
I used to think music references were tricky, but in the age of the iPod, it feels like big hit songs have been cut loose from the tether of time. (Maybe that's wishful thinking on my part?)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I love a good adventure story, which it sounds like this will be, and a MC with this much spunk should make things interesting. Needs a new title, but I'd read more.
I think the song ref could work, but I agree with others that the first paragraph lends a bit to adult wisdom looking back. I'd keep reading since I've worked with at-risk kids in the past and would love read a story in a wilderness rehab setting.
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