Wednesday, September 5, 2012

September Secret Agent #38

TITLE: Feudlings
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

Arianna Delacour thunked her black duffle bag at the foot of her bed, wondering if she should even bother unpacking. This was her 16th boarding school. Sixteen in nine years, but it would have been more if she hadn’t been home schooled until third grade. That was when the Family started sending her out to hunt.

Shaking her head quickly, she shoved the thought away, jumping to a safer subject. Wrong life. She had to focus on this life now. She was about to start her senior year, and she really wanted to graduate. So, determined that this be her last boarding school, she started unpacking.

“Who are you?” a high pitched voice demanded behind her.

Ari didn’t turn to investigate. “Arianna Delacour. Who are you?”

“This is my room,” the voice said instead of answering Ari’s question. She thought it over, decided there was nothing to respond to, and continued unpacking. “I said, this is my room.” The voice grated on Ari’s ears and made her teeth ache. Sighing, Ari stood up, shoving her long black braid over her shoulder and turned. A much shorter, somewhat round blond girl stood in the doorway with her hand on her hip, green eyes glowering back at her.

“Apparently, it’s also my room. If that’s going to be a problem, you should probably take it up with the headmistress,” Ari’s dark brown eyes clashed with the girl’s green gaze. The girl’s lips tightened as she gave Ari a slow once over.


  1. I can only find one sentence I don't like - Shaking her drew me out as an obvious way to change up the sentence structure. Other than that, wow. I loved this.

  2. Nice beginning. I see trouble brewing! I want to know what happens between the two girls. Will they become friends? Or are they the "feudlings" of the title?

    Mention of the "hunt" got my attention. I want to know what she's hunting.

    I'm wondering how Ari feels about being a hunter. It isn't clear from the brief mention. Is she proud of it or does she hate it because it takes her away from her family and keeps her on the run?

    I also wonder if you need to mention that there are two beds in the room.

    Some of the sentences are a little awkward and could use a little smoothing.

    I'd keep reading. Great beginning!

  3. Very well done! I would absolutely keep reading! Great voice. Great character. What more can we ask for? I really don't have anything else to add. Best of luck!

  4. The little that was said seemed a hint rigid to me. Not to the point of being a deal breaker, but I can't help but think that the round girl is odd for being so openly hostile to getting a roommate when she lives in a double bedroom.

    Also, did her family send her out hunting to find her own boarding schools? It merely seems strange for a nine or ten year old, but I'm guessing that would be explained in later pages.

    Overall. Not bad, but I wasn't hooked like the other readers.

  5. I was intrigued by the mention of sending her out to hunt and why you capitalized Family. It makes me think that her Family is not a nice one :)

    WHen I was reading the first sentence of the second paragraph, my mind put in "one" instead of "subject." Just a thought.

    I liked the tention with the new roomate. I would keep reading.

  6. I liked this beginning. I would agree that some of the sentences need smoothing out. My only other thought is that there are probably stronger first lines you can use than the one you have. Maybe try fiddling with other possiblities.

  7. I like this beginning. It was a smooth read and an interesting premise. I'm assuming from 'hunt' and capitalised 'Family' that this is a werewolf/vampire story of some kind.

  8. Good beginning. Your use of the words 'hunt' and 'Family' are doing the job!! And I like that this little, round, blond girl is already showing some verve! I'd read on! Good luck!

  9. I really liked this. I'd definitely read more. I'm intrigued by the capitalization in Family and the idea of her hunting...something.
    I'd go over it again, to tighten it up a bit and remove a few unneeded words, such as "quickly" in the second paragraph and "Ari's question" in the fifth.
    Well done!

  10. Arianna sounds like a memorable character, and you've really set up any future clashes with her round roommate. Maybe you can tighten up the writing by eliminating extra words (Ari sighing, standing up, shoving her hair, and turining in one sentence). Also, calling her Ari and Arianna on the first page could be a tiny bit confusing.

  11. Some startling details: 16 schools in 9 years; home schooled; the Family; the hut. I want to understand how her beginning to hunt could lead to her going to boarding school--why there was a correlation--and I'd probably read more.