TITLE: The Partizans
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Becoming a witch isn’t what sixteen-year-old Hannah expects when she enrolls in boarding school. Neither is fighting monsters she doesn’t believe in. But she has a choice: enter a supernatural witness protection program or accept her battle-filled legacy. Either way, it looks like going to the prom is definitely out of the question.
I like the voice! What makes me interested is the fact that she doesn't believe in the monsters, and this remains rooted in teenage concerns like prom. This seems really promising. I am a bit confused, though. Is the boarding school the witness protection program? Was she enrolled because she has this legacy to fulfill? Why was she unaware that the school would train her to be a witch?ReplyDelete
I love it until the last sentence which is flippant, shows the humor in the story, but seems out of left field.ReplyDelete
I like this. I do agree with Lyla - is the boarding school part of the witness protection program? Maybe if there's an inciting incident - does she witness a monster attack? Is she a target for a reason?- you could include that.ReplyDelete
I love the voice on this, though.
Love this. It tells me the story and has great voice. And I love stories about witches.ReplyDelete
As with several others here, you have run into the dreaded "choice" obstacle. A choice is not an obstacle. It is the consequences of that choice that are the obstacles and we need to now what those are. What will she lose if she makes the wrong decision and why is she unwilling to lose it?ReplyDelete
Thanks for your feedback! Here is a revised logline, if anyone cares to take a look!ReplyDelete
Becoming a witch is only the first part of sixteen-year-old Hannah’s genetic inheritance. The other part is staying one step ahead of the multitude of demons that want to kill her.
Both versions are very good. While the 2nd one loses a little of the fantastic voice from the first one, it's probably more appropriate as a logline. I'd go with #2, but incorporate many of the same elements from the first version into your query letter.ReplyDelete
I prefer the first one because of the voice, especially the bit about prom. It's hard to pack voice into a logline, so it's impressive that you pulled it off.ReplyDelete
I think you could give us her two choices without saying "But she has a choice." Other than that, I find your first version compelling.
Yeah, the choice issue. While I don't know if I wouldn't fall into the choice trap myself, I get what others are saying. What is her choice in the end? And personally, I *like* the last line. I chuckled.ReplyDelete
Nice premise, good voice, like the last line. I don't have a problem with her choices. Good luck.ReplyDelete
The second one in more Logliney, but I like getting the voice in there, too. Point your magic wand at them and combine the two, okay?ReplyDelete
If only it were that simple! Good job!
Man, this is tough! I really, really like both options. But, the more I read them, the more I really, really like the first one. Hands down. It has voice, plot, conflict. The only thing it's kind of missing are stakes. What happens if she chooses not to fight? What happens if she does? I think you tried to show that with the "choice" but like the others, I'm not a huge fan of that line, and I think you can do loads better. I'm having a little trouble understanding what you're trying to portray in that line, as well- maybe explain, and we can help you come up with a one-liner to include it...ReplyDelete
"Becoming a witch isn’t what sixteen-year-old Hannah expects when she enrolls in boarding school. Neither is fighting monsters she doesn’t believe in. But if she doesn't own up to her demon-fighting legacy, she'll be forced to drop out of school and shipped to a supernatural witness protection program. Either way, it looks like going to the prom is definitely out of the question.
That's rough and way too long, but just throwing some ideas out there for you to play with...good luck, and this sounds awesome!
I love the voice in this one. The second version is not as interesting, but still good. I also think the choice sentence could be made stronger and would like to know what the consequence of her choices would be. I know everyone else liked the prom line (and it does lend to the voice which I <3 so much), but I read a lot of YA books and the whole Prom thing - while a major concern for teens - gets to be old. While other commenters got a chuckle, I got an eye roll. I know I'm probably being unfair and maybe agents really like YA books that talk about prom (publishers certainly publish enough of them), but it was my initial reaction to the logline.ReplyDelete
I'm also raising both hands for version one. Your voice shines through and makes me want to read the story. Version two could be written by anyone, but version one is truly yours.ReplyDelete
I also like the voice in the first version, but I have a prejudice against the "she never expected" construction. Maybe something like "she discovers that her boarding school is actually a witch training school" (except without using "school" twice in the same sentence).ReplyDelete
J. Kaitlin Adams' suggestion for defining the stakes is also good.
You gave us a girl who has to make a decision. Are we going to read an entire story to see what her decision is? I don't think so. SO what's the real meat in the story? I'm sure there are bigger problems involved. Put them in the log line.ReplyDelete
The second version does that a little better, but perhaps add the why. Why do the monsters want to kill her? There's a whole world of people out there. WHy are they picking on her?
Sounds great, but it seems like the third sentence is the real story. Maybe there's a way to combine the first two? And since log lines are meant to be short, I'd lose the last line. It's funny, but I don't think you need it.ReplyDelete
I agree--I love the voice here and think it would be a shame to lose it totally. Logline #2 is no-nonsense, but doesn't stand out to me as much as #1. Great job!ReplyDelete
I agree that Logline #1 has more to draw the reader in, but (and this is a problem I've struggled with), it seems like her choice is pretty obvious. We can assume she's going to "accept her battle-filled legacy" because if she's shipped off to hide, that doesn't sound like much of a plot. Maybe something more like, "When she accepts her battle-filled legacy, she needs to do ABC..."ReplyDelete
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