TITLE: DARKLING
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Taela wasn’t a thief. Not usually. Sometimes people had to do things they didn’t like. Sometimes they had to lie and keep secrets. She slipped into the cool darkness of the storage shed and quietly latched the door. Her heart beat rapidly and she took a deep breath to calm herself. She made a silent vow that this would be the end. Tonight, she would fulfill her promise, no matter what it cost her or how much it frightened her.
Ribbons of moonlight shone through the slats of the old wooden structure, falling across the casks, crates and barrels stacked around her. She had to be quick and get out. She rummaged through a crate, grabbed a handful of dried apricots and few shriveled potatoes and stuffed them into her pack.
Standing on tiptoe, she reached up to the top shelf for the stoneware crock that held last season’s summerbeans. She slid the container to the edge and eased it off the shelf, but the crock was heavier than she expected. Before she could get a good grip, it slipped from her hands, fell to the dirt floor and shattered with a crash. Shards of pottery and beans scattered at her feet.
Blast it! Probably just woke the whole village.
She grabbed her pack and scrambled toward the weathered door, but the sound of footsteps approaching stopped her. Too late. She ducked into the shadows and hid behind a barrel.
Such great descriptions! Very well written. The only thing that drew me out of the story was the Blast it part. It sounded too modern to be in the same sentence as village - but since I haven't read more, I could be totally wrong.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about starting nearly every sentence with "she" but other than that, it was good. I like your "blast it" since it injects a bit of personality about what seems to be the MC
ReplyDeleteI think this is a wonderfully-written opening. Great imagery and suspenseful.
ReplyDeleteWe realize right away, the MC is not one to steal, yet somehow, she's obviously in a serious predicament to be forced to do so.
I am intrigued and anxious to know if she gets caught. Great job.
I agree with the comments above. Well done. The only thing that pulled me out of the story was the line: casks, crates, and barrels. It made me think of Crate and Barrel. Rearranging would take care of that. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe beginning hooked me but the opening paragraphn is a bit wordy. Consider cutting the third sentence.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, this is an interesting opening. I would read on.
Very intriguing! And I love your title!
ReplyDeleteThere's enough tension here that I would read on.
I agree that you've done a great job with the beginning. Just a side note, there's a new book recently published called Shadow and Bone that features a creature called the Darkling. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Great work!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this--good characterization, and intrigue that draws you into the story and poses questions. Why is she there? What's the promise she made? What's the risk? I think the first paragraph could be tightened a bit, tho, to pick up the pace even more...
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this -- just the right amount of questions and action. It totally pulled me along and I'm totally intrigued by Taela's character.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant.
Great start! I really enjoyed reading this also! Your descriptions put me right there with your MC, and you've told us just enough about her to make this interesting! I'd definitely read this!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Love your descriptions, especially 'ribbons of moonlight'!
ReplyDeleteGreat imagery. My only concern would be, I'd expect a more intense reaction to the crock breaking, than the 'Blast it!' thought.
ReplyDeleteI love the writing style. Easy to read. Immediately captured my attention.
This was well done. I like the voice and the bits we're getting to know about Taela. I'd keep reading. Good job!
ReplyDeleteWow! Thanks for all your great comments! Consider the third sentence snipped. Also, I've rearranged the crates and barrels. I'll think about how to address all those she-starting sentences.
ReplyDeleteCandyce, yep, I'm aware of the Darkling in Shadow and Bones. Mine comes from the name of the forest. I'll have to think about what to do about it.
Thanks again, everyone, for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts!
The writing is very polished which bodes well for world-building and the rest of the book so I would read on based on the quality of what is here alone. I like the fact that you focused on a single sequence and refrained from bringing in backstory which would have undercut it. Your opening to me was effective beccause it told me something about Taela that was necessary - i.e she's NOT a common thief. Not sure why you were so quick to cut the third sentence - I thought it made it stronger because it drove that point home. Anyway - very nice job and a pleasure to read.
ReplyDeleteThe title's kind of generic, but I like the entry. The story smacks of action borne of desperation. And there's an instant threat, and immediate action.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestions are for the first paragraph: 3rd sentence, I'd probably add "though" between "Sometimes" and "people." 4th sentence, I'd probably add, at the end, "or, in this case, steal food to keep from _______." And the last line of the paragraph, about her fulfilling her promise, makes it sound as though she's made the silent vow previously, in which case it holds little weight.
I'd read more.
Would totally read more =) all those comments above are good and make sense and will only make this piece stronger!
ReplyDelete