GENRE: YA Dystopian
To break her sister out of the Settlement, the military society responsible for the death of her father, fifteen-year-old Bekka (and the gang of secretive, overeager runaways who've been following her everywhere) teams up with her sister’s kidnapper. She needs the girl’s inside knowledge, but in trade for her sister’s freedom, Bekka may inherit her father’s demise.
"The girl" is confusing. I thought you meant the sister but then I re-read and assumed the kidnapper was female too. Also, you need something to make this stand out. She's trying to free her sister and not get killed in the process. Does anything else make this journey difficult or unique? Dystopian is a very difficult sell right now so you need something truly special to compete.ReplyDelete
The structure of the first sentence was hard to follow. I'd leave out "the Settlement" and just say the group responsible for father's death stuff. Honestly, there's a much simpler and clearer way to convey that idea.ReplyDelete
"She needs..." is where you really lost me. It's redundant. Why else would she team up with her sister's kidnapper? Also, the last sentence is missing something. Or, wait, it's just worded in a confusing way. Are you saying that to free her sister she might have to die? Very hard to follow and parse out the meaning. I wouldn't pursue further.
I think you should leave out the parenthetical. That might be good to include in a longer pitch, but it isn't necessary in a logline, and there are better uses for those twelve words. I was also confused by "inherit his demise." Does that mean she might die? And why would her sister's kidnapper be willing to "team up" with Bekka? Isn't she working for the other side? You don't have to go into great detail, but does Bekka bribe or threaten her in some way for her help?ReplyDelete
I'd cut "the Settlement" and take out what's in the parantheses. Is the "girl" also the kidnapper? Otherwise, I think you've got the beginnings of a great logline.ReplyDelete
Lean, lean, lean... and I don't mean tilted. Lose the parenthetical. Why was her sister kidnapped and why'd they kill her father? What is the conflict between her family and the Settlement? What has the world come to, and why would the kidnapper then try to break her sister out? I'm not sure what the conflict and goal is here.ReplyDelete
The others have made great suggestions. Add why the sister was kidnapped and why Bekka is willing to risk death to rescue her sister. That will add urgency and conflict to this logline.ReplyDelete
Ditto Dale's comment above. I'd get rid of the Settlement description and the gang of runaways as they make this very heavy to read (I had to re-read to understand which is never a good thing).ReplyDelete
I also don't understand why the kidnapper would then team up to help free the sister. Is the mention of the kidnapper even necessary at a log line level?