GENRE: Sci-Fi Dystopia
When geneticist Drei stumbles across a mysterious conspiracy, she barely escapes with her life, let alone with any idea how to protect her people against the plot to eradicate them. While she struggles to find a way, she must forge a reluctant partnership with Jag, one of the violent, superstitious denizens of the wild lands, as they discover it is not only Drei's people who are in danger of extinction.
You try to pack a lot of world building into a logline. You've got the bones of a great story, but may wish to simplify.ReplyDelete
I think this logline could use more grounding in its setting. Drei's people are under threat--but from whom? Are they citizens of a dystopic society, or do they live on its fringes? I get the feeling she and Jag are supposed to come from different backgrounds, but It's hard for me to get a glimpse at their relationship without knowing Drei's setting.ReplyDelete
i really like some elements of this, but there are also bits that leave me feeling confused. Like when you refer to "her people" do you mean geneticists? Or something else? Because this is sci-fi dystopia, i can't tell and could see it swinging either way.ReplyDelete
Also, because it's Dystopia, unfortunatley the name "Jag" brings to mind Elana Johnson's Possession trilogy, since that's the name of one of the MCs.
And i'm not quite clear why she has to forge an alliance with Jag.
I like this. It gives me just enough bones of the story. However, I could use clarification on "her people".ReplyDelete
The "let alone" clause tripped me up - I don't know what the conspiracy is, so putting in hypothetical secondary stakes like that was awkward. The second half is stronger thanks to the notion of cooperation and agency, but I'd still rather know what they're up against. I'll join Sarah and Marianne in the desire for a clearer delineation of who "her people" are.ReplyDelete
Seems like a promising premise, though. Good luck!
Interesting! I love dystopians. I would like to know more about the ruling group that she is fighting and what happened to put the world in this situation.ReplyDelete
Definitely one I'd want to read.
I have heard of the Possession series but haven't read it, so the name Jag is fine with me. Besides, lots of books have the same character names. Since this isn't YA, I don't think the name is an issue.ReplyDelete
I like that you stuck with the formulaic logline structure but think a few things can be tightened and written more clearly.
I feel like this is not specific enough. What conspiracy? So what?ReplyDelete
I hope that helps...
A good basis, I just think it needs cleaned up a little. I think the first sentence feels like a run-on.ReplyDelete
Interesting idea, butReplyDelete
what is the conspiracy?
who are her people?
why does she have to work with Jag?
with Jag, one of the violent, what are the wild lands?
who else is in danger of extinction?
But...maybe focus on what is her goal, what is stopping her and what can she lose or win if she succeeds
I got side tracked by the "let alone" phrase. Also, I would suggest sticking to one proper name in a logline... sweet and simple and to the point.ReplyDelete
Who is the MC?
What does she want?
What's stopping her from getting it?
I feel like there are too many loose ends with this. A conspiracy involving who? Who does she escape from? The same people involved in the conspiracy. Where does she go? Into hiding? Who are her people? Her family, her race, her species?ReplyDelete
When I read this, my first thought is that its interesting but too vague. I need a hint of what the conspiracy is, and who Drei's people are. Are they humans, aliens, what?ReplyDelete
This website was incredibly helpful to me in developing a logline using fewer than 50 words. Recommended for all.
I agree with other posts. "Mysterious conspiracy" seems redundant. Cut, snip, and bulk-up on action verbs. Sounds like a cool novel.
I feel this needs some clarification as to 'her people' and why the partnership with Jag?ReplyDelete
My first thought was why does she have to, or more importantly, even think she can, protect whoever "her people" are personally. It's one of those situations where you have to show me why this particular person has the ability to and why they would do something so out of their norm rather than just go to the police or tell someone else who can handle it. I think if you give a better idea of that, in other words, what the stakes are for her personally, it will also address some of the other questions people have.ReplyDelete
Parts of this are interesting, but it makes me wonder who her people are. She has people?ReplyDelete
I find the combination of modern science and old-world superstitions to stop the bad guys interesting. See if you can tighten the focus on the main story thread (stumbles across a plot to eradicate her people) and the discovery that her people aren't the only ones in danger. Hope this helps.ReplyDelete
I thought this was vague, that you were talking around the story. As others have said, give us the details.ReplyDelete
A conspiracy by whom, to do what, exactly? How are they to be eradicated? Why 'must' she form a partnership with Jag? WHat's their connection to each other and the problem?
The beginning needs to be streamlined. Maybe something like, "Drei discovers a conspiracy (by whoever) to eradicate her people, and in order to protect them, she must" etc. Or possibly, "(The whoevers) are plotting to eradicate Drei's people, and to protect them, she must" etc.ReplyDelete