TITLE: Southern Gypsy
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Most normal sixteen-year-old girls didn’t see their boyfriend’s murder during their first kiss, but after locking lips with Seth Carlson I realized that normal just wasn’t in the cards for me.
After nearly a month of “hanging out,” the perfect ending to our first official date as a couple inched so close I could smell the cherry on his breath from his swizzle stick. Cyndi Lauper squealed in the background about girls wanting their fun while my heart thumped in unison with the pulsing screams of the Tilt-A-Whirl spinning behind us. Seth’s fingers grazed the back of my neck sending rows of goose bumps racing down my arms. I wanted to touch him, but an invisible layer of super glue pinned my hands to my thighs. Forget the passionate Scarlett O’Hara-Rhett Butler moment I fantasized about, the still-frame of my first kiss performance belonged in the dictionary under the word choke.
Seth’s head tilted slightly sending strands of sandy brown hair sweeping across his forehead. My cheeks burned as his eyes studied every inch of my face before zeroing in on my mouth. I stopped breathing when his arms slipped around my waist locking our bodies together.
What if I was a terrible kisser? Attempting to fight off the fear I decided to go for it. Prying my hands from my legs I threw them around his neck and held on tight. Unfortunately, when I dove forward my lips missed his mouth by at least six inches and landed on his neck.
Great description here, and a provocative opening line. I liked the awkward teenaged fumbling, but I found myself getting impatient as I read along to learn a few more hints that tied into to promise of that first line. Could just be me though...
ReplyDeleteBeing YA, I think some of the references may be dated. I liked the description in the beginning, but it got too heavy near the end of the passage. I felt like some parts were overwritten. I wanted you to get into the action quicker. Overall, it's good writing and I think there is more good than bad. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI think you're a victim of 250-word limit! That first paragraph begs for explanation. I'm guessing she has a vision when she kisses Seth of his death by murder, but there's just enough ambiguity in the wording of the sentence to make me wonder if maybe he actually does get killed while they're kissing.
ReplyDeleteLove the description of this moment and the fear, anticipation, and ultimate imperfection that goes with it. Good voice in the MC, too. I would read on, but consider taking another pass at the opening. Maybe just changing 'didn't' to 'don't' will do the trick, or go with 'don't see visions of their boyfriend's murder...' Great job!
I really liked the opening line and agree with the earlier critiques that the description is nice, but gets a little overwrought, particularly the alliteration of the first sentence in paragraph 2. It's too much.
ReplyDeleteAnd I, too, wondered about the Cyndi Lauper reference and whether it's too dated. I think you can probably get away with GWTW, though I'm not sure it's terribly popular among teens.
But I'd keep reading; the opening sentence is that strong for me. :)
Ooops, meant "alliteration of the first sentence in paragraph 3." Sorry!
ReplyDeleteFirst thought I had was, oh, another girl that kills with a kiss. I think that it's a good idea, but it's so good it's been done before. I'm immediately wondering what makes your book different.
ReplyDeleteThe next thing that got me was the "invisible layer of super glue pinned my hands to my thighs."
Because I don't know this world yet, I'm not sure if there is something literally gluing her hands down that we can't see, or if she's just freezing because of the situation. I like the description, but it might be better to use after we have more of an idea what the rules or your world are.
Other than that, I do think the writing is well done. I would be willing to read on, but like I said, but be looking for what's going to be new/different.
You have an awful lot of multiple clause sentences here. Consider splitting a few of them up with a simple period. Short sentences are good too.
ReplyDeleteI like the humorous voice here, and the angst of the first kiss. My only real reservation was her lips landing on his neck. Sounds very vampire-like to me. Sadly, I'm very much over vampires.
The awkwardness of the first sentence was cute even though the ominous first line suggests something darker and with a paranormal angle. I think you could cut down on some of the descriptions to tighten the first page without losing any of what you're trying to convey.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback everyone :) Hmmmm. Well, there are no vampires and the MC can't kill with a kiss, so I'm a little nervous about that. @JeffO-I hope you're right :) I know the reference to Cyndi Lauper is dated, but it goes with where they are in the opening. It doesn't carry through the book. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for taking the time to give feedback. I really appreciate it!
You could probably get away with the Cyndi Lauper reference if the MC says something like "that old '80s song about girls wanting to have their fun," something like that. Not to digress too much here, but the digital age has change how we listen to music and it's so easy to find old music (and movies, like the SArah Jessica Parker film of same name) with a few clicks online. BUT, that ref coupled with Gone with the Wind don't feel like go-to teen references. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteMargot's comment about the crafting shorter sentences would work really well here with the voice you've shown. I'd suggest considering that. I'm not sure you need to put hanging out in quotes. It reads awkwardly to me.
Nice start though, and best of luck with your story.
I read and commented on this one over at CAGI. I like your premise and I think you've got a good start. There are a few bits where, I agree, it reads just a little awkwardly. I definitely like the idea of shorter sentences - that could help build a sense of tension.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening line, would just change didn't to don't.
ReplyDeleteI would cut the sizzle stick from the second para - too far away from the cherry reference, i had to think about that line too long.
I liked the super glue line and the Gone with the Wind line but I'm older than a teen :)
Yes, I would interject the awkward first kiss parts with some foreshadowing - you are making us wait for the tragedy you set up in the first line. dangle the carrot a little more :) I liked this overall and would keep reading.
I like the opening, though I'd probably add "flash before their eyes" after "boyfriend's murder" just so it's clear that he's not being killed during their first kiss. I thought the details and references were fun, and the awkwardness of the moment is pretty funny.
ReplyDelete