TITLE: FIREPROOF
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
When Mom raises her voice that crucial octave—the one that gets the hair on the back of my neck standing at attention—I sometimes wish we left her behind like she wanted. It would probably make things simpler. But not necessarily better.
I crouch over the control panel, my back to my parents, and pray the nanobots will hurry up and neutralize the sooty soil. We can’t lose another crop. Not this late in the growing season.
“I didn’t move halfway across the country to live underground.” Mom always says that, and today’s no different.
Dad just grunts. He probably doesn’t even look up, too busy repairing the flame-resistant webbing we suspend over our five acres of beans, barley, and broccoli. Drought tolerant varieties that are supposed to be able to stand up to the extremes here.
I retreat to the next row, out of the strike zone for now. I refuse to get drawn into their fight. This time, they can take their own damn sides. The sunlight beats down, igniting sweat between my shoulder blades under my thermosuit—superior fire protection, but the plasticky material doesn’t breathe.
I risk a glance at my parents. Mom’s pushed off her helmet, wispy hair plastered to her dirt-streaked forehead, her inked eyebrows drawn down over green eyes. She swings her arm, gesturing to the fields with the back of her callused hand. “I hate it up here, but it’s better than the colony. Better than living like animals down there.”
I really liked this when I saw it at WriteOnCon, and I still do! I think you strike a good balance between world-building and character/plot-building here, and the voice is strong throughout. I have only a few nitpicks:
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph includes a lot of qualifiers ("sometimes wish" "probably simpler" "not necessarily better"), which weakens the impact. I would cut "sometimes" and "probably," especially since you use "probably" again soon afterward.
"Igniting sweat"--this image didn't work for me. Sweat is moisture, so not particularly combustible, and it's purpose is to cool you down, not heat you up. (I might take out the bit about sunlight to focus more on your protag's experience of the heat: "Sweat seeps between my shoulder blades under my thermosuit...")
"She swings her arm, gesturing to the fields with the back of her callused hand."--You're describing the same motion twice. (This is something I do a lot in my own writing, too.) This would be stronger as "She gestures to fields with the back of her callused hand."
Nitpicks aside, I am DEFINITELY hooked!
Immediately I'm wondering where "down there" is. I'm thinking it may be earth. Or maybe not.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, it sounds like a pretty terrible place to be a farmer, so down there must be really horrible.
Very interesting!
I agree with Princess Sarah. You have a great balance of world-building and story. I would definitely turn the page to find out more. :)
ReplyDeleteI love the first paragraph. It's full of voice and lets me know something about the MC immediately.
ReplyDeleteI don't typically read science fiction, but this is very well written.
Good luck!
I'm so intrigued by this little snippet! I love the tension you've already established between the narrator and his/her parents (I'm dying to know why the mom wanted to be left behind), and the reference to the nanobot gets me excited about the potential technology and world-building in your story.
ReplyDeleteI was just a tad confused about what was going on in the first paragraph. I think this is because you start with a generalization about the mother's usual behavior, then jump into present-day description that feels unrelated to that topic. And I wasn't sure whether the mother had actually said something to incite the narrator's frustration, or whether the narrator was just thinking about how the mother usually complains. Maybe you can clarify this by starting with the 2nd paragraph, and moving the 1st paragraph after the mom's first bit of dialogue. In that context, those lines make a lot more sense! And I think the 2nd paragraph would certainly make a compelling opening, too.
I hope that makes sense! I really love the premise so far and would most certainly read on.
I think I also saw this on WoC forums. Agree with Sara on the qualifiers; reducing those will strengthen the writing. I think you do well to work in tension and setting which is so tough to do in the first 250. (I'm currently struggling with this). I don't know if you need to say what color mom's eyes are; I tend to shirk away from abundant physical descriptions in opening pages. That's my personal preference though. The hair detail I don't mind, and the inked eyebrows hint at an other-world or future beauty treatment which is cool, but the eye color feels like an add-on.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I think it starts with some action (fixing the webbing) and introduces the MC and a big problem (getting crops in under less than perfect conditions).
ReplyDeleteMy only nitpick: broccoli is a very bad choice of crop here - only does well in cool conditions. Choose something like okra or corn (both like hot conditions and can take some drought as well).
Good luck with this - looks interesting!
This entry is full of possibility. What is this world? Why can they grow crops on the surface, yet have to live underground? The parental issues are a good touch, particularly the fact that things with the mother are bad enough that the MC wishes she'd stayed behind in their old house. I'd read more.
ReplyDelete