TITLE: Through the Edgewood
GENRE: MG Fantasy Adventure
When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her. They soon learn the queen is also hunting Changelings, leaving it up to Izzy to save both her sister and the entire Changeling race.
This has all the necessary elements (character, stakes, obstacle, implied consequences), but I think what it needs is a little more emotional punch. Maybe stronger word choices would show how Izzy feels so we can feel it too.ReplyDelete
I'm also writing a story about changelings, but mine is a YA.ReplyDelete
I like your logline. It's got everything a great logline needs. I know Izzy's conflict and who is at stake and what choice she needs to make.
This is pretty good but I think you could re-word it to make the stakes stronger.ReplyDelete
why is her sister kidnapped? That is the only missing piece for me. I like this, and think you're very close.ReplyDelete
I agree with Walter. It would help to know why her sister was kidnapped and what might become of her if she's not rescued. Otherwise I thought it was clear and well written.ReplyDelete
The second sentence just kind of lays there. Honestly, I'd drop the whole last sentence and just massage into the first one the stakes. Something along the lines of:ReplyDelete
When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her before the queen kills her sister and the entire Changeling race.
Really well done.ReplyDelete
I think you have all the elements here. I really like Leah's suggestion to smoosh it all together-I like that combination.ReplyDelete
I second Leah's version! Otherwise your ending is too passive. But good job- sound interesting even though I have no idea what a changeling is!ReplyDelete
I'd like some idea of why the queen kidnapped her sister in the first place, and why is she hunting Changelings?ReplyDelete
Thanks everyone! I've been chewing on your comments, and wonder if this is better?ReplyDelete
When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her. If Izzy fails, both her sister and the Changelings will end up as ingredients in the queen's youth elixir.
Thanks Leah for all the help!ReplyDelete
Love the revision!ReplyDelete
I really like the revision as well :)ReplyDelete