Miss Snark's First Victim
This is missing the why. WHY must these girls complete this mission?Good luck!Holly
I agree with Holly. Why are these two trying to figure it out rather than just going to the police? Also, "unlikely friends" is too ambiguous to give me any sense of who's involved here and if they'll interest me.
Are these girls students at this school and worried they'll be next? If so, make that explicit. If not, make explicit why they're the ones who must solve this.
While I like this, I think you can add more tension to this, give it a hook.
Maybe expand the unlikely friends bit...
I agree about expanding on the unlikely friends. Maybe character names and a couple of descriptive words that show instead of tell that these girls wouldn't normally work together.
Yep, more about the unlikely friends. And are they left as the only ones alive or because everyone else went home for Christmas break?Sounds like fun!
I agree it needs more, especially about the characters and the stakes.
I think this sounds great, but it does leave some questions unanswered. Why are they unlikely friends? why is it up to them to find out who is behind the disappearances?Answers those and you may have a winner:)
I'd like to see something about the characters...I like the premise in the first half of the sentence. Intriguing!
Looks like you received some great feedback. I love your stab at brevity - you got the right idea - it just needs an electric shock treatment.Love the title, but would you consider just using "The Withering"(?) "Withering" is an excellent word - does it reflect what happens to the disappearances? If so, I would elude to that in the logline. Nice stuff.
I'm just resonating with the others. I like this but want to know what makes these girls "unlikely."
Good stuff! Agree with the other comments. Give us why they're unlikely friends and why they must solve the mystery.
I think there's not enough here. Their goal is to find out what or who is behind the disappearances. What's missing is what stands in their way of figuring it out. And why do they want to figure it out? Why don't they just run for their lives?