TITLE: REMEMBRANCE
GENRE: Paranormal Fantasy w/romance elements
Everybody has a past but not everybody has it return to torment them six-hundred years later. Ari, Tiernan, and Aiden are reincarnated souls brought together by fate (and an ominous spell) to reconcile past differences and mistakes before a vengeance seeking man from their former lives finds them and eliminates their future.
Love the first sentence! Great touch of humor. :)
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to get more specific about "past differences and mistakes," who the man from the past is and why he is seeking vengeance, and what exactly is meant by "eliminates their future." If that means they might be killed, IMO it would be stronger to say so rather than using a euphemism. Also, who is the MC? You've given us three names, but nothing about any of them. Don't even know if they're male or female. I think it would be best to focus on one MC, and describe the other two in relation to that MC, like "Ari's best friend" or "Ari's estranged girlfriend."
All just my opinion, for what it's worth. Good luck!
I like the first sentence but it might not belong in the logline.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is a bit clunky. Maybe something more like:
Three reincarnated souls must reconcile their past differences and atone for their mistakes before the man they wronged 600 years ago makes good on his promise to end them forever.
This is too much information for a logline. Ewoklove has a really great suggestion above. Also, taking into consider what SGF offers, decide if the three characters share equal parts of the story, or if one is more of a main character than the others. That will affect how you structure your logline, and consequently your pitch and query. Good luck!
ReplyDelete'Everybody has a past. Not everybody's returns to torment them six-hundred years later. Three reincarnated friends are brought together by fate and an ominous spell. They must reconcile past mistakes before a vengeance-seeking man from a past life finds them - and eliminates their future.'
ReplyDeleteJust my suggestion:)
Your pitch is a little wordy, and I like ewoklove's logline example. However, maybe you COULD add the first sentence to it to make:
ReplyDeleteEverybody has a past, but not everybody has it return to torment them six-hundred years later, which is what happens to three reincarnated souls who must reconcile their past differences and atone for their mistakes before the man they wronged 600 years ago seeks vengeance on them.
But either way, this idea sounds great :)
The whole thing works for me. Good job
ReplyDeleteI think there are some great suggestions above to tighten this up. The only thing I would add - I would like a hint of why reconciling their differences and mistakes will help stop the vengeances seeking man from their past?
ReplyDeleteI like yours and it works for me, though it still feels a wee bit vague. If you could sharpen it up with some specifics, that would make it more intriguing, I think. As it stands, I'm wondering what happened to them and what needs reconciling.
ReplyDeleteIf you would maybe use "everyone" instead of "everybody," the sentence may read a little more smoothly. Everybody is a lumpier world and works kind of speed-bumpy in the sentence.
Everyone has a past, but not everyone's past hunts them down through centuries of rebirth to exact revenge for a 600 year old mistake. For reincarnated souls Ari, Tiernan, and Aiden, their new shot at life may end prematurely if they don't ...what? What are their differences? And whatever mistake they made must be a hell of a huge one, if another soul is bent on making them pay for it such a vast amount of time after the fact.
This is written like the main characters are letting the story happen to them. Do they WANT to reconcile their past differences? If so, what makes them want to do this and why? You need to word this like, "When X happens, A, B & C realize they must GOAL. Otherwise, WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO LOSE."
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly