Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #12

TITLE: Forbidden Blood
GENRE: Paranormal Romance

A repressed vampire princess has a one night stand with a mysterious stranger from the wrong side of the river, sparking an unexpected chain of events and opening her to a whole new world.

8 comments:

  1. It is a bit too vague. Sparking what kind of events? I would add more conflict and tension to help build your hook.

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  2. I like this, I also agree I'd like to hear a bit more about what is sparked, and any danger that comes hand in hand with that.

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  3. I really like the contrast between 'repressed' and 'opening her'. You have the nugget of her transformation in there. However, for a logline, this is incomplete. As far as I understand the formula of a logline, you need it to be almost in three acts - inciting incident, repercussions, fight for the goal. What is her conflict? What will she lose if she opens up to a new world? What will she gain?

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  4. If you give some specifics at the end, this will be a great logline.

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  5. This is definitely too vague. We need to know more about her and what she wants. This is more like a plot summary.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  6. This is very vague. I'm also not sure that the information you have included is what I would need to be enticed to pick this up.

    I'd cut the first sentence to "When a vampire princess has a one night stand with a ..... (mysterious stranger is very cliche and doesn't tell me anything. Was he a werewolf, a human, a leprechaun - what?) she sparks an unexpected chain of events that ........"

    I need a little more than 'open her to a whole new world'. Give me the stakes and the choices here.

    Good luck

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  7. Forbidden Blood AuthorOctober 17, 2012 at 9:41 AM

    Thank you, everyone. Going to rework this.
    The hard part is if we tell the "chain of events" then you have no reason to read the book. I don't know how to say what they are without saying what they are, if you know what I mean...lol.
    And the mysterious stranger is supposed to cliche in a way. I want to make the reader think he might be different, but not actually say he is. I can't tell what he is because it's not revealed until the middle of the book, and even though there are hints that he is different the reader and the MC don't find out what he is until then. And I don't want to ruin the surprise with my logline.
    Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you for all the help and suggestions.

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  8. Could you use just the first unexpected event? I don't know what it is of course, but something like: "...sparking a bloody revolution among lower class vampires". That way, you have something specific, but you don't give away the entire book. Hope that's helpful! :)

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