Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #37

TITLE: The Dreamers
GENRE: Womens Fiction - Magical Realism

While on a quest to save some redwoods, a costume designer in mid-life free fall runs into a laid-back artist and discovers they have been meeting for decades as lovers in shared dreams.

21 comments:

  1. This is wonderful; succinct and intriguing.

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  2. I like the premise a lot! However, I'm not sure starting with "While on a quest to save some redwoods" is the strongest part of this. In truth, I read that and almost didn't keep going as that didn't interest me. Could be stronger without. "A costume designer in a midlife free fall encounters a laid-back artist while trekking through the redwoods and discovers..." Just s thought!

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  3. "a" thought of course!

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  4. rather than "some redwoods" which isn't very exciting, what is a different adjective to use instead of "some". why are these ones important to her? that's a detail, but my main critique is I don't get a sense of what the stakes are. I'd like to hear more about what the crisis is. Or what is the conflict with the dream man, if any? What gets in the way of the protagonist?

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  5. I like it. I also think you should drop the first bit and start at "A costume designer . . ." or even add a little more description of the protag. The end gave me the chills.

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  6. Great logline. One suggestion: I love the "midlife free fall" and I think you should open with that.

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  7. You lay out a terrific premise in the end, but I almost never got there. How about names of characters and being specific about a life in "free fall?" Good luck.

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  8. I love the "mid-life freefall" and set-up.
    What's missing, as Mark A. pointed out, are the stakes, a sense of crisis.
    It sounds like a very happily-ever-after ending, though!
    I'm intrigued, and would want to read more.

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  9. Thanks for the comments all. Here was my original, before I shortened it. Maybe it is better?


    A costume designer in mid-life free fall on a quest to save some redwoods bumps into a laid-back artist and uncovers the core mystery of her life: the two have been meeting for decades as lovers in shared dreams. But what seems like romantic destiny turns out to be more complex, and she wonders if this dream relationship can survive in the real world and if she even want it to.

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  10. I like it, with a few tiny tweaks. In terms of the logline, the redwoods don't have impact, and a well placed hyphen at the end will create emphasis (and there's a tiny typo, need an s on wants):
    A costume designer in mid-life free fall bumps into a laid-back artist and uncovers the core mystery of her life: the two have been meeting for decades as lovers in shared dreams. But what seems like romantic destiny turns out to be more complex, and she wonders if this dream relationship can survive in the real world -- and if she even wants it to.

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  11. I normally like shorter log lines, but I think your longer hook (with skywriter's additions) works. Its much more intriguing. (I also almost stopped reading after the Redwoods intro too...)

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  12. I normally like shorter log lines, but I think your longer hook (with skywriter's additions) works. Its much more intriguing. (I also almost stopped reading after the Redwoods intro too...)

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  13. I normally like shorter log lines, but I think your longer hook (with skywriter's additions) works. Its much more intriguing. (I also almost stopped reading after the Redwoods intro too...)

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  14. I normally like shorter log lines, but I think your longer hook (with skywriter's additions) works. Its much more intriguing. (I also almost stopped reading after the Redwoods intro too...)

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  15. If you want it shorter what about, starting with the characters first? Give us their names. I like the meeting in the dreams part. Nice.

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  16. I like the longer one but the ending is weak. Does she want to be with him? What is going to make this difficult? It won't be wondering (we need real obstacles.,)

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  17. The word "some" is throwing me off; it's filler. Maybe say "endangered" redwood or something specific to show more about why the redwoods need saving. The two hyphenated descriptors seems like overkill. To remedy I think you can remove mid-life since it doesn't add to the pitch. The free fall runs is intriguing but I'm not sure if it relates to a sport or a theme in the book. I think you have all the elements here but some tightening will make this stronger. Good luck!

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  18. OH. "mid-life free fall" is the phrase. I thought she was a designer in mid-life (like middle-aged). I connected "free fall runs."

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  19. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to think this through with me.

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  20. The second logline is better, but still there's little crisis, and no dire circumstances if it doesn't work. Will both lives be devestated? Are they soul mates who need each other's physical presence to have a fruitful life? Seems a bit to "nice".

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