Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #6

TITLE: Down into Darkness
GENRE: Science Fiction

Arriving on Jupiter’s moon Ganymede, linguist Brian Marconi discovers that the Sulcan aliens have killed his friend and mentor—the only scientist sent before him. Now, to save himself, Brian must not only solve the riddles of alien culture, but find an avenue for peace with the hostile Sulcans before Earth destroys them in a massive attack that will leave Brian a casualty of war.


  1. I like the idea of a linguist being the peace keeper on this type of mission. I think your logline covers everything and I would like to read more.

  2. I like the premise here. Although, as a trekkie from years back, Sulcan is soooo very close to vulcan, it automatically had me thinking in that vein.

    Just something to be aware of there.

  3. The premise sounds really interesting, as well as the mystery/vengeance vs. peace mission.

    I know this is nit-picky, but I don't quite get why a linguist would be chosen for the second scientist to be sent. And why would they not send a team or assistants or something. Sending one guy is asking for trouble, IMO.

  4. I agree that I don't consider a linguist a scientist (and thus thought this didn't make sense). That aside, you have all the elements you need here but I would suggest you connect the aliens with Jupiter's moon as I didn't immediately see the relationship. Do they live there? Is it their planet or are they hostile invaders?

    Finally, I think "find an avenue for peace" could be worded in a way that is more tangible and that explains why these aliens are at war with Earth.

    Good luck!

  5. Sorry, for me there is way too much going on in this. I'd like to see it kept much simpler. For example, do we really need to know the name of the moon? If him being a linguist is important to the story then leave it in, but otherwise I don't think it is something you need at a logline level.

    Something like "When renown linguist, Brian Marconi, arrives on Jupiter's moon he discovers that his predecessor has been killed by aliens. In a race against time, Brian must solve the riddle of the alien culture and find an avenue for peace before Earth step in and resolve the problem with brute force"

    Obviously this needs to be in your own voice, and this is just a suggestion to give you an idea of what I mean.

    Good luck

  6. It is an intriguing logline. There are a few things that can be cut such as the name of the moon and also "to save himself". Other than these things, it is a very good logline in MHO.