GENRE: Epic Fantasy
When Talyn gained the ability to transfer death from one person to another, he never imagined the king would exploit such miracles to incite a war. Now, only by committing treason, and relying on the honor of a convicted murderer, can Talyn keep thousands of innocents from dying due to his foolish mistake and one man's selfish pride.
This sounds interesting, but there's too much going on. I'm assuming "his foolish mistake" was that he trusted the king, and "one man's selfish pride" is about the king, or maybe some other character, but it becomes too complex. It would be tighter and easier to follow by ending here:ReplyDelete
Now, only by committing treason, and relying on the honor of a convicted murderer, can Talyn keep thousands of innocents from dying.
I agree with skywriter about the last line.ReplyDelete
Interesting point, Skywriter. I originally ended the sentence that way to convey that Talyn feels responsible for what's happened, but perhaps something more succinct like, "dying due to his misplaced trust." might be less confusing.ReplyDelete
I like it but her is an attempt to shorten the logline:ReplyDelete
When his ability to transfer death from one person to another is exploited by the king to incite war, Talyn must commit treason to save thousands of innocents.
You have a really intriguing hook! I like the first sentence, but the second sentence is a bit awkward. I had to read it a couple of times to get it. Maybe pull out one of those phrases or find a way to reword it?ReplyDelete
You are dancing around the goal here. What does he want and why will these obstacles make it difficult to achieve? We need to know this as soon as you incite the story.ReplyDelete
I would suggest replacing "such miracles" to "his talent" to be more specific. I think making the last half more active will help: Talyn must partner with a convicted murder--and risk treason--to keep thousands of innocents [who are they? perhaps name them] from dying etc...ReplyDelete
I think a more straightforward approach in a pitch is best; choose strong verbs and specific details to convey as much as possible in such little space. I know--TOUGH. Nice job so far, and good luck.
I like Jane Doe's rewrite, but I'm wondering if there's a specific person Talyn is interested in saving, among the thousands of innocents. If so, adding that to the stakes would increase the urgency and the emotional response.ReplyDelete
I think this is a good hook. I like skywriter's rewritefor the last line to make it more concise. Best of luck!ReplyDelete
Talyn's ability to transfer death between people enables the king to exploit his talent to incite a war. Only by committing treason, and relying on the honor of a convicted murderer, can Talyn save thousands of innocent lives.
It's more condensed, but is it still in your voice? And what will happen to Talyn if he refuses? Does the king threaten him with death? Or death to his family or friends?