Miss Snark's First Victim
Consider adding a bit to tell what her conflict is. Is she battling depression/guilt/boredom? Whose love was lost, parent/child/lover? What is the consequence of winning/losing her battle?
I love short loglines and wish I could come up with a oneliner as well, but this IMO is missing two important details: What did she lose and how did it affect her that she has to learn how to live again. Good luck!
This is clean and clear, but missing stakes. What is the loss and why has it taken away her ability to live and what must she do to get it back? I assume surfing?This is just making things up for a general idea:After Kira loses her fiance in a freak boating accident, she must face the water from the back of a surfboard in order to earn back her freedom and learn to live life again.
The above comments cover it. Just a few more words. I'd really like to know what or who she lost.
I agree. A couple more details about her loss to make this stand out are needed.
I'm of the agreement with everyone else. It's clean, but it tells us little about the plot and conflict. Also, when age is treated as a adjective, you need to hyphenate: twenty-seven-year-old Kira.
Thank you all for the great feedback...I went a bit too short! How about this: When twenty-seven-year-old Kira unexpectedly becomes a widow, her carefully constructed world is torn apart, thrusting her from the confines of the boardroom to the freedom of a surfboard where she learns to live and love after loss.
I like your updated logline a lot. My only other comment is that the title "Surfer Girl" sounds more like YA than Women's Fiction to me.
Other than the surfer aspect, this sounds too generic. I suggest adding another specific detail to make this pop.
I like the revised version. It does a better job explaining the surf-therapy.
The revised version is better, but I would replace her age with a juicier detail -Kira, a patent attorney, Kira, a marketing executive, Kira an accountant. Jobs give us insight into personality more than age.
The updated version is better, but I'd still like a hint at whom or what she lost. Good luck!
Sorry, she's a widow, I read it too fast the first time. Looks like a powerful book.
Please give a hint about the nature of Kira's loss. Her conflict is too ambiguous,a result of a logline a bit too pared down. Since you mention the boardroom, you need to divulge something pertinent about the business. Is the loss she suffers related to surfing, the business, or something altogether different? A few more details will grab me.
I like how short this logline is, but I'd rather get some specifics rather than 'live and love after loss'.
The updated log line works better. I still think you need some concrete and unique details to make her life more meaningful. For me, "from boardroom to surf boards" doesn't conjure up possibilities that would intrigue me. This is very subjective, of course.
I appreciate everyone's honesty and comments. Thank you all for your help as I shape and sharpen this logline. You all are so fabulously kind. One more try: When twenty-seven-year-old attorney Kira unexpectedly becomes a widow and has her heart broken as her husband’s steamy past comes to the surface, her carefully constructed world is torn apart, thrusting her from the confines of the boardroom to the freedom of a surfboard where she learns to live and love after loss.
I think your third version is too long. I liked the second version better. I would also drop the age as it's not as important to specify in this genre as in YA. Also, don't tell us the ending...that she learns to live and love. I want to be intrigued enough to read the story. Maybe something like:When Kira, an attorney, unexpectedly loses her husband, she discovers his steamy past. If she doesn't break free from the confines of the boardroom onto the freedom of a surfboard, she may forget how to live and love after loss.Hope this helps :)
The beginning of your final revision is fine but you are not establishing anything more than a character here. What does this make her want to do? Does she choose to leave the boardroom? As written, it sounds like someone drags her away from it and this doesn't qualify as a goal we can engage in.Good luck!Holly
Good and short but could be better with the addition of the situation from which she must recover and from what loss?