Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #28

TITLE: My Life and Troubles as a Top-Secret Teenage Assassin
GENRE: YA Thriller

When 17-year-old Mikaela infiltrates her parents’ assassin organization in an attempt to save her boyfriend’s life, she gets in deeper than she planned and ends up facing dangerous criminals, all while trying not to become a fulltime killer like her Mom and Dad.

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15 comments:

  1. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 10:30 AM

    I really like this premise. However, the logline reads a little clunky. Maybe something like:

    "When 17-year-old Mikaela infiltrates her parents' assassin organization to save her boyfriend's life, she ends up facing dangerous criminals and the fear that she may become like her murderous parents."

    or something like that

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  2. jnOctober 9, 2012 at 10:54 AM

    I agree with Jessica Hutchinson's comment.

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  3. PatchiOctober 9, 2012 at 11:05 AM

    I like the premise too and Jessica's version of the logline.

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  4. ewokloveOctober 9, 2012 at 12:13 PM

    Premise is great. I like Jessica's version of the logline except I think if she is joining an assassin organization, the dangerous criminals are implied, therefore not necessary.

    Maybe something like...

    When 17-year-old Mikaela infiltrates her parents' assassin organization to save her boyfriend's life, she must face her worst fear: that she will become like her murderous parents.

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  5. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    I like it, I'd read it. I have no complaints. ;-)

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  6. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 2:04 PM

    Oh, but Jessica's is stronger, lol.

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  7. Feaky SnuckerOctober 9, 2012 at 2:05 PM

    I like ewoklove's revision. :)

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  8. Lydia SharpOctober 9, 2012 at 4:40 PM

    I like this. My only suggestion is in the title (are we allowed to crit the title?)

    It reads smoother without "and Troubles", and I think the troubles part is effectively implied by the rest of the title anyway.

    Good luck. :D

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  9. Yat-YeeOctober 9, 2012 at 11:01 PM

    This makes sense and provides a great premise. Mayne the sentence can be tightened a little but overall, I find it effective as a log line.

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  10. ksandyOctober 9, 2012 at 11:21 PM

    Good title! I like Jessica's revisions above. Also, I would make "dangerous criminals" more specific. Right now, the description is vague, making me wonder if the story and characters are vague or generic.

    Sounds like a fun book. Good luck!

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  11. VicorvaOctober 10, 2012 at 4:05 AM

    I like the premise here; very fun, very exciting. I liked Jessica's rewrite, though; look to stream-line it a little.

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  12. Kristen WixtedOctober 10, 2012 at 7:34 AM

    Yeah, maybe add a location? I like that idea, to enrich it just a teeny bit.

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  13. Holly BodgerOctober 11, 2012 at 9:24 AM

    I would not recommend that you list the ultimate goal as "facing a fear" as this is not a tangible goal and what you have written here (avoiding becoming a full-time killer) is. Having said that, this would be stronger if you tell us exactly what she needs to do in order to not become an assassin.

    Also, I would include something that explains how this story is incited and why her boyfriend's life is in danger.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  14. JENOctober 11, 2012 at 11:13 AM

    I agree with Holly (as usual). I'm curious about the context, though. Fantasy? Contemporary? Set in the U.S.? Egypt? Iraq? China? The setting really makes a difference in a story like this.

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  15. CorinneOctober 14, 2012 at 11:07 AM

    Sounds like a great story but the logline's a bit wordy. I don't like the "gets in deeper than she planned" -- too vague.

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