TITLE: Escape From Tyre
GENRE: Historical Fiction
Brought together to escape Tyre at the dawn of Alexander the Great's attack, loss threatens to return Oryus and Veritha to their old lives. If they can't remain free, it would mean losing everything, including each other.
This feels a little vague to me. So they escaped Tyre. What loss threatens them? What were their old lives, and why is that a threat? I don't need lots of details, but a few specifics in the place of generalities would make this much clearer to me.
ReplyDeleteLoss threatens them? This is a little to vague to be compelling.
ReplyDeleteLoss is where you can start, though. What are the afraid of losing? Maybe you could be more specific. Everything is pretty broad, and each other is implied. But how? Will they die? Will they be forced to work against each other? What do they value and how will it be taken from them?
It sounds vague to me. If the book is about slavery, I think you need to mention it straight out.
ReplyDeleteI like this concept. Things don't turn out well for Tyre, and Alexander's strategies are brilliant, so it makes a great setting.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence makes me think they were gathered in order to escape Tyre. Is that why they are together? Did they escape from somewhere else and flee to Tyre only to find it being invaded?
Were they slaves? Is that their old life? Or are they just trying to evade capture?
I agree, making this more specific would make this pop. As it is, it's too vague for the stakes to really grab us and make us worry about their fate.
ReplyDeleteI agree, this is a bit vague. What loss threatens to return them to their old lives? What was so bad about their old lives? Also, who is the proatgonist?
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I'm not intrigued by this logline. It's too vague. Also, are Oryus and Veritha both the main character? If not, start with the main character and tell the logline from his/her perspective. I don't feel I know them at all.
ReplyDeleteI like reading historical fiction, but this doesn't present enough information to hook me. Are Oryus and Veritha slaves freed from an earlier encounter? I know you don't want to give away too much and want the logline to remain short and pithy, but this is not enough info to get me to turn the page. You're close - maybe one more sentence describing a bit about who these people are and why they are in such peril.
ReplyDeleteHi folks!
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the great advice! I'm new here to the Baker's Dozen and won't be able to enter the actual contest this year but am extremely grateful for the opportunity to learn how to write a strong logline in the hopes of having something finished for next year.
I have to admit... I left it vague on purpose. I was fairly sure I shouldn't give away the whole storyline here -that would make it far more than the maximum amount of sentences lol- but I wasn't 100% sure how much to put in either. All a part of learning! And learn I have! Thank you all so much! :)
Yes, Oryus and Veritha are both main characters who have struggles and problems of their own to overcome. I wrote out a full page of loglines in preparation for submission and had to write one more because it didn't include both of them. Their lives become intertwined and dependent on each other a great deal (especially after Petros dies), so to focus on just one and say they are the main character seemed to omit the whole other half of the story. One half doesn't make a whole... Or does it? lol ;)
Here are some of the single character loglines I had written out (if it is not okay to post them here, I apologize and give full permission to delete this message... I will save the above and repost if need be):
1) When Veritha's father forces her to flee her home in Tyre where her beloved mother is buried and then he dies at sea, she loses her sanity, returning to the island city in mind alone. Escaping isn't the problem; remaining free is. If she can't do that, she may get to witness Alexander's "Great"ness first hand.
2)Oryus, a pirate in the guise of a merchant, seeks a change in life and finds hope of it in Veritha and her father, Petros. When Petros dies in their escape from Tyre and Veritha's grief sinks her into madness, change seems impossible. He helps save her from the Tyre of her mind, but when she is kidnapped and en route for the doomed city, can he save her from the real one?
Are these any better? Is it possible to have a story that requires two loglines? Haha! I'm guessing not, so any advice on how to mesh the two together successfully or figure out which one is really the protagonist would be appreciated!
Any other questions, I would be happy to answer as well. :)
~Lauri
Lauri, the new ones you posted are definitely better, but still a bit convoluted.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could try combining the two. Something like: "Brought together to escape Tyre at the dawn of Alexander the Great's attack, Oryus, a pirate in the guise of a merchant, and Veritha, a beautiful(?) woman driven mad by the death of her father, are desperate to keep their freedom. When Veritha is kidnapped and returned to the doomed city, Oryus must rescue the woman he loves, even if it means risking his own freedom to do so." Or something like that.
Good luck.
My initial problem was Tyre. I thought that was a person. Consider starting with the people to clarify the POV characters.
ReplyDeleteK.Callard's example was very good.
I think K Callard's example was good. There is no reason why you can't combine the two characters into one logline.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Thanks everyone for the help, I will work on it a bit more! :)
ReplyDelete