TITLE: MY HERCULES
GENRE: YA contemporary
Congratulations! Your parents’ DNA fused and you have all the material you need to become a full human. Everything your parents have to contribute to your genetics is determined right now, from your sex to your hair and eye color.
You still have a journey to make down your mother’s fallopian tube where you will need to implant yourself onto the wall of her uterus. The trip should go just fine, but implantation might be a little difficult because your mother’s uterine wall is thinner than it would be if she weren’t taking birth control pills.
Oh, and one more thing. Your mother does not expect your arrival. Not only does she not expect it, but you won’t be an “unexpected surprise.”
Ten hours after the deed that created you, your father wrapped his arms around your mother’s waist as she switched books out of her locker. “I think I left my hat in your room last night,” he said, nuzzling his face into your mother’s neck under her red hair.
“I’ll look for it.” Charlotte Stacy readjusted her ponytail as her boyfriend, Tony Gallo, spun her around to face him.
“I was thinking I could look for it,” he said, pulling her against him, “say, tonight after your mom leaves for the casino. I’ll have to retrace every step to find it, so we’ll just have to replay the whole night.”
Charlotte put her arms around his neck. “If we must.”
You will be an inconvenience because Charlotte is only seventeen years old.
I don't see 2nd person used very often, so this piece really stood out to me with the unusual POV. The voice is great--it makes the 2nd person POV work really well--and I was sucked in right away and would definitely have kept reading. Love the immediate conflict you work into this. It's a great opening!
ReplyDeleteI'm really hoping the entire manuscript isn't written in 2nd person. While it definitely has a strong voice, I suspect it will be very hard to keep up the same momentum throughout. It comes across as too cutesy and gimmicky, and I would even say, as trying too hard to be edgy.
ReplyDeleteMore importantly, this does not feel like YA. The point of view is of an omniscient adult, not that of a teen. If the book totally shifts narration and voice after this
I like this approach, but there are a some distractions that threw me out of the story. The "Not only" line ends in a confusing way. Also, when it switches at "Ten hours" it seems like backstory. If the zygote is the MC, shouldn't it be listening and experiencing school in some way? (That seems like a very weird sentence in retrospect, but you see what I mean?)
ReplyDeleteThe originality of this opening grabbed me but stating her age at the end seemed too on-the-nose. A more subtle introduction to this character's age might work better.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but Heather made me laugh - "If the zygote is the MC". This almost feels like a prologue to me, but those aren't a good idea nowadays. It looks like you have the creativity to think outside the box. There's got to be a better way to start this off.
ReplyDeleteI have this strange image of a soul-type thing watching a pre-birth informational video.
ReplyDeleteI am wondering if 2nd person POV goes away after the actual birth.... Interesting.
I really liked this, very original, punchily-written and amusing. However I did immediately imagine any teenage reader getting squicked out at the thought of their parents having sex. I also wonder how it's going to continue and whether it's all going to be in 2nd person or if this is just a prologue. I would definitely read on to find out,though.
ReplyDelete