Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #34

TITLE: The Legend of Tairn Gire: A Prophesy Revisited
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Prince Agmund struggles with personal tragedy and his kingdom's racial unrest as the partnership between a mysterious sorcerer and evil spirit threatens his home, his throne, and his life.

14 comments:

  1. I like this. Can you be specific with the personal tragedy?

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  2. Like that this is already streamlined. Perhaps there is room for a tad bit more detail about how/why they are threatening him? (I also like the name of the Prince:)

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  3. You should show us his personal tragedy or his suffering ... you can fit that in nicely to what you've already got and it would be just about perfect for a captivating logline.

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  4. I like it too. I agree with others that you could specify the personal tragedy, but besides that, this is exactly what a logline should be.

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  5. Thanks everyone! I decided to give the specifics of the personal tragedy after the hook so I could keep the logline as tight as possible. It does seem like it's missing some spark though...

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  6. I wrote notes on a piece of paper as I read your logline. I did not read the previous critiques of your line and wrote down a question. What's the personal tragedy?

    Seems like there's a consensus :)!

    I liked the rest but did wonder if the partnership between the sorcerer and the evil spirit caused the racial unrest -did it?

    Thanks for sharing and good luck!

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  7. Mary,
    You got it.
    Sorcerer + evil spirit = problems in the kingdom, LOL!

    The prince (and eventually the king) deals with several tragedies brought on by the partnership, but I didn't want to mention all of them in the logline. I do bring up his mother's death (the only tragedy not caused by the sorcerer) in the second paragraph, but thought it might be overkill if mentioned twice. Hmm...I'm just not sure.

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  8. I agree that the logline needs more about the racial unrest. How does the evil spirit and the sorcerer threaten?

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  9. This is not telling us what he wants. These struggles must be direct obstacles to that.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  10. Well I did some reworking and came up with the following:

    Prince Agmund tries to hold his kingdom together as he struggles with personal tragedy and his kingdom’s racial unrest, while the partnership between a mysterious sorcerer and evil spirit threatens his home, his throne…and this life.

    I'm a bit nervous though. I went from a logline of 29 words to 36... What do you think?

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  11. Here's one that's 38 words-which do you like better?

    Prince Agmund tries to hold his kingdom together as he struggles with personal tragedy and his kingdom’s racial unrest, but the partnership between a mysterious sorcerer and evil spirit threatens to take his home, his throne…and this life.

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  12. I like Susan's version, although I pretty sure it's supposed to be "his" life.

    You've got up to 75-words, I think you can splurge go with the 38er!

    Good luck!

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  13. Ahh...typo-thanks DJ!

    Prince Agmund tries to hold his kingdom together as he struggles with personal tragedy and his kingdom’s racial unrest, but the partnership between a mysterious sorcerer and evil spirit threatens to take his home, his throne…and his life

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