Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #11

TITLE: Pandorious
GENRE: MG Fantasy

When lonely ten-year-old Haven Hitchcock opens an enchanted book, she unleashes a curse that makes her dreams of adventure come true, but when her new power backfires and awakens a field of pumpkins, their mischief soon turns to mayhem. The sinister gourds are destroying the town and turning people into Pumpkin-heads in a frantic search for Haven and her power!

Will Haven learn to trust her not-so-horrible friends in time to save Crabapple Valley?


  1. Sounds charming up till Crabapple Valley, which seems to come out of the blue - what or where is it? Need to know in order to understand the stakes.

  2. OK, this one made me giggle. The idea of the townspeople becoming pumpkin heads.

    The concept reads very young to me in this logline, more in the early reader category rather than MG.

    I would not use a question as part of your logline. I would change the question to a statement.

    Still giggling about pumpkin heads.

  3. I think there's too much going on here. One doesn't typically think of a curse as something that makes dreams come true so I'd change that. I'm a little unsure if it's clear who "their mischief" belongs to, the powers or the pumpkins. (I understand what you want it to refer to, I'm just not sure it's correct.)
    I do think it's clever though and would want to read it.

  4. This sounds cute and scary and pretty perfect for the 8-10 yr old group.
    Why are the pumpkins searching for Haven? Why do they need her? Maybe its okay to have those questions at this point. I was just a little confused about the stakes there.
    Best wishes. I like the sound of this.

  5. The first sentence here feels like a run-on to me; I'd suggest putting a period after 'come true'. The rest of that paragraph can probably be trimmed down into one sentence for a more concise summation.

    The third sentence, in my opinion, is throwaway and a little cliche, and I'd remove it entirely. I'd say avoid any hypothetical question that can be answered with, "Well the story would probably suck if they didn't, wouldn't it?"

  6. Your inciting incident is not inciting a goal (it's inciting another incident which sounds like a bad thing until you call the curse a power in the next line). I think your inciting incident may actually be the pumpkins but it's hard to tell. If her goal is to stop them, then that is your incident.

    The second line needs to be worded more like obstacles to your MC(you've written it like the pumpkins are now the main characters).

    FYI - Never use rhetorical questions in logline or queries.

    Good luck!

  7. Thanks so much for all the helpful ideas! I think I've used them all. Does this make better sense now?

    When lonely twelve-year-old Haven opens an enchanted book, she releashes a horrible curse. The curse gives her the power to bring animate objects to life. When she awakens a field of pumpkins their mischief turns to mayhem as they embark on a frantic search to steal her life-giving power and live forever. If Haven doesn't learn to trust her friends soon, the Pumpkins will turn everyone in town into Pumpkinheads!

  8. Uh,oh! I see I should have used (and) instead of a period after life:)

  9. The curse's power is much more clear, and the stakes are higher.

    Tiny typo (should be "releases"), and a bit of repetition that could be strung together to eliminate one "curse." (...horrible curse. The curse).

    Very unique and compelling!

  10. I think you mean "inanimate" objects.Agree about "releases."

    What about "she releases a curse that brings pumpkins to life and now that they're alive, they don't want to go back to being pumpkins again." Or something similar?

    I wouldn't use ! either at the end. Not sure you need the word, "lonely."

    It does sound like it's for a younger MG audience. I can just see the illustrations, human bodies with pumpkin heads walking around bumping into things. LOL.

  11. Really cute! I agree - cut the last line.

    Good luck!

  12. Way late to the party here but I have to say, I love the line

    "The sinister gourds are destroying the town and turning people into Pumpkin-heads in a frantic search for Haven and her power!"

    Made me laugh. I'd pick up this book in a heartbeat and hope for an equal dose of humor throughout.